Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

[Woolverhampton_Blue]

How are you feeling now, mate?

Just to chip in with something i wish I'd been told, and mates say the same: along with innate positive feelings you'll likely have with a new baby, it's perfectly fine to not enjoy it, question life choices, be bored, feel strain on yourself and your relationship. We're bombarded with narratives of perfect fathers and how much they like raising kids, and some of that may actually be true, but the unspoken stuff is that it's perfectly fine and normal to feel negative emotions about raising kids while at the same time being a good, attentive, supportive dad.

I never liked kids and never wanted kids. Due to my Mrs being an ultra persuasive super-genius ("let's have lots of sex!") I now have two. I think I'm a decentish dad and the kids are happy but I can honestly say 7 years after having first kid that I love my kids, they're my priority in life, but I don't particularly like kids.

Good luck - hope you love it. If not, just know we're not robots and negative feelings are normal. Look after y'sen, m8.

I’m feeling better at the moment.

I read something years ago about studies on regrets re having children, apparently it is much more common than people realise but is such a taboo subject (especially for women) that it’s never really discussed openly. I never wanted children for many years but I am looking forward to it.

Thanks, mate. Does help having somewhere like this to get things off your chest when things are getting bad, and I appreciate you and everyone else who has offered advice and support.

 

[coollino]

I’m feeling better at the moment.

I read something years ago about studies on regrets re having children, apparently it is much more common than people realise but is such a taboo subject (especially for women) that it’s never really discussed openly. I never wanted children for many years but I am looking forward to it.

Thanks, mate. Does help having somewhere like this to get things off your chest when things are getting bad, and I appreciate you and everyone else who has offered advice and support.

We were in the fence for years about having a second kid, we thought we'd try think it would take a while or never happen, as 35 is seen as oldish biologically to have a kid for a woman, but it happened pretty fast so we were definitely apprehensive about it for a long time

Our daughter was very much a mums girl, I did every I can but ultimately she put her to bed every night, got her ready for school etc. obviously I an very much able to do all of that, but with her being 5 she is very good at saying no and both times are stressful so it carried on that way

Since our 2nd kid was born, last month, she lets me do everything for her now and all of that seemed impossible a few months ago

In a long winded way, the point I am trying to make is that everything changes when they are born and a lot of the worries you think you may have, might not actually be there. Obviously that will work the other way around too, but micro stresses you have etc may completely disappear and it could benefit your health a lot more positively than you think

 

[Jokerdan]

It's ok not to particularly like other people's kids (unless they are your grandchildren) but once you have your own they become the centre of your universe and you will do anything for them. Just don't let them grow up feeling entitled...there are enough of those around nowadays

 

[Gwladysover]

I’m feeling better at the moment.

I read something years ago about studies on regrets re having children, apparently it is much more common than people realise but is such a taboo subject (especially for women) that it’s never really discussed openly. I never wanted children for many years but I am looking forward to it.

Thanks, mate. Does help having somewhere like this to get things off your chest when things are getting bad, and I appreciate you and everyone else who has offered advice and support.

My husband really wanted children whereas I wasn’t particularly bothered about having a family but it didn’t seem fair to deny him so we went ahead. Our son was born after a particularly difficult birth so my husband left the decision to have another entirely up to me. After a couple of years our daughter was born. We are now grandparents to four. Am I glad I went ahead and had a family most certainly, it hasn’t always been easy but the good times far outweigh the bad.
Having a newborn can be overwhelming at times so take any offers of advice and support and discuss any worries you may have. Sending best wishes.

 

[BluePaul86]

Hi everyone, just after a bit of advice really. My partner lost her father unexpectedly and I don't know how best to deal with it. I want to be there for her, but she unfortunately doesn't live close and I don't drive and can't get to her without lifts, her nearest station is 15 miles away. I feel completely useless. I'm also in a state of shock myself as I got to get quite close with the family even though it's a fairly recent relationship, I've never heard her cry before until she told me the dreadful news and I didn't know what to say to her other than how sorry I was and I'm always a call away. I suppose I'm just reaching out for someone who might be able to help me work out the best way I can reach out to her and the family.

 

[COYBL25]

Hi everyone, just after a bit of advice really. My partner lost her father unexpectedly and I don't know how best to deal with it. I want to be there for her, but she unfortunately doesn't live close and I don't drive and can't get to her without lifts, her nearest station is 15 miles away. I feel completely useless. I'm also in a state of shock myself as I got to get quite close with the family even though it's a fairly recent relationship, I've never heard her cry before until she told me the dreadful news and I didn't know what to say to her other than how sorry I was and I'm always a call away. I suppose I'm just reaching out for someone who might be able to help me work out the best way I can reach out to her and the family.

Could you not take a bit of time off and go and stay with her mate ?

 

[SJB]

Hi everyone, just after a bit of advice really. My partner lost her father unexpectedly and I don't know how best to deal with it. I want to be there for her, but she unfortunately doesn't live close and I don't drive and can't get to her without lifts, her nearest station is 15 miles away. I feel completely useless. I'm also in a state of shock myself as I got to get quite close with the family even though it's a fairly recent relationship, I've never heard her cry before until she told me the dreadful news and I didn't know what to say to her other than how sorry I was and I'm always a call away. I suppose I'm just reaching out for someone who might be able to help me work out the best way I can reach out to her and the family.

Sorry for your loss, mate.

First of all, don’t be too hard on yourself. Feeling helpless in situations like this is completely normal. It’s especially difficult when physical distance makes it harder to read the situation and respond to your partner’s needs.

Have you sent flowers or a card yet? A physical gesture can mean a lot and gives her something tangible that shows how much you’re thinking of her. Alongside that, checking in regularly with messages and perhaps scheduling a phone or video call each evening can help give her something to focus on during the day and look forward to. These first few days are incredibly tough, and she’ll likely be struggling to get through them.

It may also help to tell her how fond you’d become of her dad, even in a short space of time. Hearing that can reinforce what a good man he was and may bring small comfort or a smile when she’s finding it hard to do so. Asking about her wider family, how they’re coping and supporting one another, can also show care without putting pressure on her.

Ultimately, the best approach is to let her lead. Try to sense when she needs space and when she needs support, but make sure she knows you’re there for her at any time and in whatever way she needs.

 

[BluePaul86]

Could you not take a bit of time off and go and stay with her mate ?

Yeah I'm going to suggest that when we next speak. She's staying with her mum for a bit so might not be possible.

 

[BluePaul86]

Sorry for your loss, mate.

First of all, don’t be too hard on yourself. Feeling helpless in situations like this is completely normal. It’s especially difficult when physical distance makes it harder to read the situation and respond to your partner’s needs.

Have you sent flowers or a card yet? A physical gesture can mean a lot and gives her something tangible that shows how much you’re thinking of her. Alongside that, checking in regularly with messages and perhaps scheduling a phone or video call each evening can help give her something to focus on during the day and look forward to. These first few days are incredibly tough, and she’ll likely be struggling to get through them.

It may also help to tell her how fond you’d become of her dad, even in a short space of time. Hearing that can reinforce what a good man he was and may bring small comfort or a smile when she’s finding it hard to do so. Asking about her wider family, how they’re coping and supporting one another, can also show care without putting pressure on her.

Ultimately, the best approach is to let her lead. Try to sense when she needs space and when she needs support, but make sure she knows you’re there for her at any time and in whatever way she needs.

Thank you for this wonderful advice, I really appreciate it.

 

[dachshund]

Thank you for this wonderful advice, I really appreciate it.

How have you been the last couple of days, Paul?

 

[GrandOldTeam]

Called The Samaritians earlier (sic) nea. Just felt beat. I am not ill, nor compromised, just wtf. 3 years, and counting of caring kinda does your nut. And no one gives a fig. Except Jane at the Sams. Bless her. I recommend their service to anyone. Take care.

Anniversary to this post and I regret not making more of an effort Jan. Monday will be the 2nd anniversary to losing roydo.

January is an absolute arse of a time. If your heads battered, talk to us, me, Samaritans. Better days are always ahead. Just get to tomorrow.

 

[TyphooToffee]

My mental health has been worsening the last few weeks. Struggling with work, not enjoying life generally, and my first child is due in January which makes this a bad time for an episode of depression.

Feeling a lot of guilt because I really can’t be bothered with life yet I’ve got a child on the way. I’m just a dark cloud over my partner’s life atm, she should be excited and enjoying this time, not worrying because I’m unwell.

It's so difficult to assuage feelings of guilt in a relationship as it is, without the handicap of depression. Hopefully your partner understands that you can't help how you feel, and that you don't want to feel like you do. Maybe a child is exactly what will lift you out of your gloom. Believe me, even as someone suffering (undiagnosed at the time) ADHD - where I craved new stuff all the time - there was nothing like being a father that would ever compete.

My first child, my son, was also born in January. He was 50 years old yesterday but I will never forget him toddling in the back garden, trying not to trip over the curled-up corners of the recently laid rolls of turf as the relentless sun of the 1976 summer made the garden look like a massive tray of British Rail sandwiches.

I may have already missed a subsequent post of yours about the birth. If not I hope to read one soon.

Keep your chin up. My thoughts are with you.

 

[Bryan+]

My various illnesses are starting to get between my daughter and myself, half banter half serious “I’m tired of this sh!t, dad”. I’m aware I’m not a great dad and I haven’t been for a very long time. I’ve been working for 30 years none stop and I’m about to take some significant sick time off.

The issue between my daughter and me is made worse by the fact we are very similar, she’s a grown up now and I spend a lot of time in bed feeling sorry for myself and the rest out walking the dogs, i have tried to encourage her to join me in various things but i get it - i am not much fun, and that really hurts.

I know how to be a good dad and i would say a lot of people who know me would say im a great dad, but i have lost the ability to do lots of things and being a good dad seemingly is the most painful one.

 

[Rita_Poon]

My various illnesses are starting to get between my daughter and myself, half banter half serious “I’m tired of this sh!t, dad”. I’m aware I’m not a great dad and I haven’t been for a very long time. I’ve been working for 30 years none stop and I’m about to take some significant sick time off.

The issue between my daughter and me is made worse by the fact we are very similar, she’s a grown up now and I spend a lot of time in bed feeling sorry for myself and the rest out walking the dogs, i have tried to encourage her to join me in various things but i get it - i am not much fun, and that really hurts.

I know how to be a good dad and i would say a lot of people who know me would say i'm a great dad, but i have lost the ability to do lots of things and being a good dad seemingly is the most painful one.

She could be frustrated for you, it is very difficult carrying long term illness and reduced ability, and someone that cares that has to watch you suffer seemingly without resolve becomes quite painful. Accepting the problem as the new normal can be hard because of the unwillingness to consign the good times in the past to the past and never again. There must be common ground, something you both enjoy or enjoyed, shared cooking duty or an afternoon out to the cinema? A bit of time spent without any stress or specified expectation?
If you are beating yourself up over limitations to your capabilities, then is there a way back or do you need to find pastures new that you can share?

Having no light at the end of the tunnel can be crushing. Dark days made darker. I hope you can find something Bryan.

 

[Spotty]

She could be frustrated for you, it is very difficult carrying long term illness and reduced ability, and someone that cares that has to watch you suffer seemingly without resolve becomes quite painful. Accepting the problem as the new normal can be hard because of the unwillingness to consign the good times in the past to the past and never again. There must be common ground, something you both enjoy or enjoyed, shared cooking duty or an afternoon out to the cinema? A bit of time spent without any stress or specified expectation?
If you are beating yourself up over limitations to your capabilities, then is there a way back or do you need to find pastures new that you can share?

Having no light at the end of the tunnel can be crushing. Dark days made darker. I hope you can find something Bryan.

She could be frustrated for you, it is very difficult carrying long term illness and reduced ability, and someone that cares that has to watch you suffer seemingly without resolve becomes quite painful. Accepting the problem as the new normal can be hard because of the unwillingness to consign the good times in the past to the past and never again. There must be common ground, something you both enjoy or enjoyed, shared cooking duty or an afternoon out to the cinema? A bit of time spent without any stress or specified expectation?
If you are beating yourself up over limitations to your capabilities, then is there a way back or do you need to find pastures new that you can share?

Having no light at the end of the tunnel can be crushing. Dark days made darker. I hope you can find something Bryan.

Bryan sleeping a lot is a real red flag for your mental health. Choosing to sleep as a coping mechanism - because that's what it is - is a temporary " solution " and you are already insightful enough to know this. Please seek professional advice. Might I suggest when your well enough, to start volunteering, helping people less fortunate than yourself is wonderful for self esteem. Being told thank you and people appreciating you is a fantastic pick me up. Makes you feel good about yourself bud. Just a suggestion I would hope you consider. As for the relationship with your daughter. I'm so be honest. Perhaps " I love you, want to have a good father daughter relationship with you but I'm struggling. Can you suggest anything because I'm struggling myself ". It tells her it bothers you, you care and want to make things right. Try not to put too pressure on yourself, none of us are perfect but I feel being open and honest with people does help.