A bit like my Secret Diary of Kevin Mirallas aged 31 and a quarter.. available in back copies of Black WatchAs I’ve mentioned before, my son’s a red, and a school friend of his, also a red, composed a similar parody about Lucas and his day to day trivia which he published on social media (like @yarggh diary it was well composed).
Lucas was it’s fondest reader.
The Secret Diary of Aldo Aged 61 1/2
- Thread starter Yarrgh
- Start date
- Status
Yarrgh
Player Valuation: £80m
7/4/20
6:30am The coughs back and my lungs are aching. I'm burning up. I looked online and I think it's that Chinese flu. Now I'm not a racist so I guess they meant fru. What the £&¥% is fru? I'm scared.
7:40am Got through to the doctor. He is sending an ambulance. I'm worried. Those things get rocked by people. Feel a bit better.
7:50am Barsney is on the radio talking to one of the TalkSport lads. Apparently der mighty redz have decided to pay their staff out of the money they've got in the bank instead of taking it from the NHS or something after listening to the fans. I love dat club. If it wasn't for them I'd be walking alone to the hospital and not getting an ambulance. God bless the redmen, the tories and their following of the socialist philosophies of Shanks.
8:30am Where's that ambulance? I bet they're using the key worker hour at the Asda to do their shopping the layabouts. Don't they know there's an emergency? Aldo is sick. I'm burning up. Can't even think of Aldofest. Quick tweet out to let all my fellow reds that I'm in trouble.
8:40am Lovely tweets from my followers
MPJakeReMo: Pray for Boris, Pray for Aldo.
BigPurpA: You're a fit muscular man, you'll get through this
MonotoneDannyM: YoU aRe An InSpIrAtIoN. not even VAR could rule you out
9:00am They're here. The ambulance guys are in masks and stuff. Leave it out, I'm not contagious! I've got the Fru I tell them. Apparently if you have the fru, you have to lie down on your front to help clear your lungs. So I'm lying down and the ambulance is driving along and they have to take my temperature. So I figure they're going to do it down there. Anyway I drop my 1988 home shorts to bare my backside and just as they're about to insert it, they go over a speed bump and the thermometer gets stuck in there. Fortunately due to the NHS cutbacks that the furloughing of scab clubs Spurs, Bournemouth and Newcastle, it's not one of those puny little thermometers they normally use, but a big old antique barometer so they can easily read the temperature.
The paramedic looks really worried when he is looking at the barometer. Is it that high? It's not that Aldo lad, it's just that it says there's a high chance of rain and I've left me washing out.
9:30am BBC camera crew outside the E&R, I'm on camera and all over the nation as they stretcher me out with my big bare arse with a barometer sticking out of it. I'm dead embarrassed.
11:30 am It's like a war zone in here, bodies all over the place. It's like Stevie G had met a group of DJs and all of them hated Chris de Burgh. I've had an X-ray, and am really worried.
1:00pm A doctor finally comes to see me. Apparently it's not the fru, but effing pigeon lung. Is he having a giraffe? I effing hate pigeons. He tells me that the easiest way to prevent this from happening is to stay away from pigeons. What the actual eff? I tell him that someone has to keep the feathered sods at bay. I should be getting a medal. Bloody NHS. What about this bloody big barometer stuck in my bum? Apparently they can't void it because they're worried it will harm the integrity of the damn thing until about August maybe but they can't predict exactly when. Why can't you predict anything I shout - because the buildings's barometer is up my arse. Everyone's an effing comedian. There's only 25% of it stuck in there, it's virtually out, just get it out already. No one listens to my protests. Steal our song you lousy sods and do this? They're always the victims ey? Rotten bunch of rotters.
3:00pm Back at home, I'm walking around like John Wayne with this thing stuck up me backside, and it's on the tv and internet that I had to go into hospital for a sex game gone wrong. What's wrong with this world. Text message from Bill Beaumont featuring an aubergine and a winking face. What's he like? Probably some laxative effect of vegetables. Lovely guy that Bill.
4:00pm I need the toilet. An unforeseen consequence of this whole day is that I have a bit of backlog if you will. I have an idea. If I have Souey bring me round some of his diarrhea inducing beef madras I might be able to do a self propelled removal.
4:15pm Result, just off the blower with Souey. He has enough beef madras ready meals to last 6 months. He's bringing over half a dozen once he can free himself from his toilet.
5:15pm Souey is in the front room. He asks why there is a smell of wee. I tell him about Sammy Lee dropping his glass yesterday. Always the same with that Sammy. Yeah typical Sammy. He's been practicing his foxtrot and Argentinian Tango for Aldofest, but I'm not too interested as I have more urgent concerns. The microwave is pinging away and I'm scoffing the madras as fast as I can.
6:30pm My guts are churning. I ask our Joan how it looks. She takes a peep down below. Apparently there's a storm a brewing. Tell me about it. No the barometer says there's a storm coming. Another one more worried about the washing on the line ey?
7:00pm Whilst she's out getting the washing in, I'm doing a Karius. Walking alone in a storm of my own creation. Came flying out and through my legs like a Gareth Bale shot. OOOOF. Walk on, walk onnnnn! Like John Wayne obviously, but I feel great.
8:00pm Tickly cough still. Be that Duncan sending his pigeons over to sh*t on my car. If anyone deserves a can or 10 of Special Brew, it's me! What a day. Off to twitter to correct a few misrepresentations of the truth.
9:00pm Gotta laugh, the lads for the bantz have got a big picture of me from lunch at hospital with the words Aldofest written over it and they're using the barometer to show how much cash it will raise. Smashing. Lawro the Mentalist has tweeted that we'll bottom this problem out together and he predicts we'll win. Great stuff.
11:00pm Was Sheree Murphy in Bewitched?
Midnight Time to sleep for ol' Aldo. It's really been a funny old day. Hopefully tomorrow my bum crack will have contracted by the remaining 25% now it doesn't need voiding.
6:30am The coughs back and my lungs are aching. I'm burning up. I looked online and I think it's that Chinese flu. Now I'm not a racist so I guess they meant fru. What the £&¥% is fru? I'm scared.
7:40am Got through to the doctor. He is sending an ambulance. I'm worried. Those things get rocked by people. Feel a bit better.
7:50am Barsney is on the radio talking to one of the TalkSport lads. Apparently der mighty redz have decided to pay their staff out of the money they've got in the bank instead of taking it from the NHS or something after listening to the fans. I love dat club. If it wasn't for them I'd be walking alone to the hospital and not getting an ambulance. God bless the redmen, the tories and their following of the socialist philosophies of Shanks.
8:30am Where's that ambulance? I bet they're using the key worker hour at the Asda to do their shopping the layabouts. Don't they know there's an emergency? Aldo is sick. I'm burning up. Can't even think of Aldofest. Quick tweet out to let all my fellow reds that I'm in trouble.
8:40am Lovely tweets from my followers
MPJakeReMo: Pray for Boris, Pray for Aldo.
BigPurpA: You're a fit muscular man, you'll get through this
MonotoneDannyM: YoU aRe An InSpIrAtIoN. not even VAR could rule you out
9:00am They're here. The ambulance guys are in masks and stuff. Leave it out, I'm not contagious! I've got the Fru I tell them. Apparently if you have the fru, you have to lie down on your front to help clear your lungs. So I'm lying down and the ambulance is driving along and they have to take my temperature. So I figure they're going to do it down there. Anyway I drop my 1988 home shorts to bare my backside and just as they're about to insert it, they go over a speed bump and the thermometer gets stuck in there. Fortunately due to the NHS cutbacks that the furloughing of scab clubs Spurs, Bournemouth and Newcastle, it's not one of those puny little thermometers they normally use, but a big old antique barometer so they can easily read the temperature.
The paramedic looks really worried when he is looking at the barometer. Is it that high? It's not that Aldo lad, it's just that it says there's a high chance of rain and I've left me washing out.
9:30am BBC camera crew outside the E&R, I'm on camera and all over the nation as they stretcher me out with my big bare arse with a barometer sticking out of it. I'm dead embarrassed.
11:30 am It's like a war zone in here, bodies all over the place. It's like Stevie G had met a group of DJs and all of them hated Chris de Burgh. I've had an X-ray, and am really worried.
1:00pm A doctor finally comes to see me. Apparently it's not the fru, but effing pigeon lung. Is he having a giraffe? I effing hate pigeons. He tells me that the easiest way to prevent this from happening is to stay away from pigeons. What the actual eff? I tell him that someone has to keep the feathered sods at bay. I should be getting a medal. Bloody NHS. What about this bloody big barometer stuck in my bum? Apparently they can't void it because they're worried it will harm the integrity of the damn thing until about August maybe but they can't predict exactly when. Why can't you predict anything I shout - because the buildings's barometer is up my arse. Everyone's an effing comedian. There's only 25% of it stuck in there, it's virtually out, just get it out already. No one listens to my protests. Steal our song you lousy sods and do this? They're always the victims ey? Rotten bunch of rotters.
3:00pm Back at home, I'm walking around like John Wayne with this thing stuck up me backside, and it's on the tv and internet that I had to go into hospital for a sex game gone wrong. What's wrong with this world. Text message from Bill Beaumont featuring an aubergine and a winking face. What's he like? Probably some laxative effect of vegetables. Lovely guy that Bill.
4:00pm I need the toilet. An unforeseen consequence of this whole day is that I have a bit of backlog if you will. I have an idea. If I have Souey bring me round some of his diarrhea inducing beef madras I might be able to do a self propelled removal.
4:15pm Result, just off the blower with Souey. He has enough beef madras ready meals to last 6 months. He's bringing over half a dozen once he can free himself from his toilet.
5:15pm Souey is in the front room. He asks why there is a smell of wee. I tell him about Sammy Lee dropping his glass yesterday. Always the same with that Sammy. Yeah typical Sammy. He's been practicing his foxtrot and Argentinian Tango for Aldofest, but I'm not too interested as I have more urgent concerns. The microwave is pinging away and I'm scoffing the madras as fast as I can.
6:30pm My guts are churning. I ask our Joan how it looks. She takes a peep down below. Apparently there's a storm a brewing. Tell me about it. No the barometer says there's a storm coming. Another one more worried about the washing on the line ey?
7:00pm Whilst she's out getting the washing in, I'm doing a Karius. Walking alone in a storm of my own creation. Came flying out and through my legs like a Gareth Bale shot. OOOOF. Walk on, walk onnnnn! Like John Wayne obviously, but I feel great.
8:00pm Tickly cough still. Be that Duncan sending his pigeons over to sh*t on my car. If anyone deserves a can or 10 of Special Brew, it's me! What a day. Off to twitter to correct a few misrepresentations of the truth.
9:00pm Gotta laugh, the lads for the bantz have got a big picture of me from lunch at hospital with the words Aldofest written over it and they're using the barometer to show how much cash it will raise. Smashing. Lawro the Mentalist has tweeted that we'll bottom this problem out together and he predicts we'll win. Great stuff.
11:00pm Was Sheree Murphy in Bewitched?
Midnight Time to sleep for ol' Aldo. It's really been a funny old day. Hopefully tomorrow my bum crack will have contracted by the remaining 25% now it doesn't need voiding.
What will tomorrow bring for that cheeky scamp Aldo!!
tommye
Player Valuation: £120m
canuckblue
Player Valuation: £50m
I am truly in tears after reading that. If there was only some way for Aldo to read these....
Still crying at - " 11.00 pm Was Sheree Murphy in Bewitched ? "
lol lol lol
lol lol lol
Dario Terracotta
Player Valuation: £70m
Phenomenol mate!!
“BigPurpA: You're a fit muscular man, you'll get through this”
Thats done me in lol
Thats done me in lol
Dario Terracotta
Player Valuation: £70m
He probably lurks lol
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