The Secret Diary of Aldo Aged 61 1/2

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04/04/20

10:00am Oh what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day, I’ve got a wonderful feeling that everything is going Aldo’s way. I’m high on life. Aldofest is going to be sound. I might stroll down to the ground to see where they’ll put my statue. Not to close to the away team coach. Don’t want anyone climbing up me statue to throw owt at them (unless it’s them robbing oil club ba*****ds from City). Or could you imagine that traffic light guy going up there and being caught on camera. My big shiny face smiling away with someone tossing off – not happening!

12:00 Had to wash the car. Covered in pigeon mess. Bet that big bully Duncan training them that. What a tw*t.

2:00pm Got dressed up in my second kit today. Look quite tidy. Use the missus’s sudoku book as a makeshift shinny after losing one the other night. Can’t believe the club shop isn’t open. How am I gonna get my champions gear? Can see it all in the window in the shop with cobwebs on it. Give it 10 minutes then down to the old boozer to watch the game.

3:05pm Feel a right nugget. I forgot the pubs are shut and there’s no game. Who should drive past whilst I’m banging on the door, but that bleedin’ John Parrott. He’s there with his own snooker cue trying to get some practice in. I tell him it’s not open mate. He says cheers. He’s alright for a bloo. We first made friends on Question of Sport when we robbed Bill Beaumont’s shoes and exchanged them with Sue Barker’s stilettos. It was dead funny when that big galoot came teetering out on them, everyone was on the floor laughing – the 80’s were great and in may ways it was the best period in the history of mankind.

3:30 Tarby on the phone. He’s up for it, but his legs have gone. Can he just come on for 15 minutes and show a bit of the old magic. Strangely enough I think Bill Beaumont in high heels might make a good replacement – Perhaps Parro can be on the opposing team as captain so them bitter bloos can’t moan about it.

4:15pm I am now fuming. Went to the shop to get some rolos. Not a one in the shop. The shop keeper said it’s the shortages. What am I going to do? That big nose Thommo said Ian Rush had been in and got the last 3 packets. He said that Ian was off to the beach with Kenny and they were going to have a picnic. Always steeling my thunder that Rush.

5:00pm Calming down now. Talked to Bill Beaumont. Talk about a list of demands! He wants his own changing room, gourmet meal, and gave me a link to ladies shoes in a bigger size. Wants sequins on his shorts. Wild one our Bill! He said the last time he was in Liverpool he went to the Lisbon and was it open. I said I’d check tomorrow.

6:00pm Bit of a cough. Hope I’m not catching owt. I reckon that Polish baccy that Jerzy gets us is a bit rough so it’s probably that.

7:00pm Kenny called!!!! Get in!!! Said that he went to the beach with Ian Rush but it was rubbish. It was cold, sand got into his ham butty and Ian Rush kept offering him rolos when all he wanted was a kit kat. I’ve got a multipack in from Asda so I’ll not touch them until I see him next which will be Monday when he comes round to tell me about the daft idea that Rushie had. Apparently Rushie thinks it’s such a good idea that he’ll get a knighthood. He’s such a mug that Rush.

9:00pm I think I might have a crafty special brew. I’ve even forgot all about the league! Aldofest, and Kenny coming over in a couple of days is just so time consuming. Only suspended indefinitely! What does that mean? That we can start in April? Some bitter bloo said it meant that the league was over, so I blocked him the nugget.

10:00pm JordanRed from Bournemouth on twitter says that he loves the idea and that Bournemouth will do absolutely everything they can to help out us reds make the league complete and save the day. BBFACEeddie also from Bournemouth said it's a great idea and is sure that their cub will write a stupidly big cheque if it's for the redmen. I reckon they’ll send Nathan Ake to play in Aldofest. He’s alright him. Hope they don’t send that Ibe back.

11:00pm Copiously sick. Bit wheezy. That can’t be good. Better put the Special Brew down the night and get a good kip in. Big day tomorrow. Gotta scout out stuff for Big Bill Beaumont and try and arrange some more stars for Aldofest and then prepare for our Kenny coming around.

11:02pm Siraldofest?
 
Yarrgh said:
04/04/20

10:00am Oh what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day, I’ve got a wonderful feeling that everything is going Aldo’s way. I’m high on life. Aldofest is going to be sound. I might stroll down to the ground to see where they’ll put my statue. Not to close to the away team coach. Don’t want anyone climbing up me statue to throw owt at them (unless it’s them robbing oil club ba*****ds from City). Or could you imagine that traffic light guy going up there and being caught on camera. My big shiny face smiling away with someone tossing off – not happening!

12:00 Had to wash the car. Covered in pigeon mess. Bet that big bully Duncan training them that. What a tw*t.

2:00pm Got dressed up in my second kit today. Look quite tidy. Use the missus’s sudoku book as a makeshift shinny after losing one the other night. Can’t believe the club shop isn’t open. How am I gonna get my champions gear? Can see it all in the window in the shop with cobwebs on it. Give it 10 minutes then down to the old boozer to watch the game.

3:05pm Feel a right nugget. I forgot the pubs are shut and there’s no game. Who should drive past whilst I’m banging on the door, but that bleedin’ John Parrott. He’s there with his own snooker cue trying to get some practice in. I tell him it’s not open mate. He says cheers. He’s alright for a bloo. We first made friends on Question of Sport when we robbed Bill Beaumont’s shoes and exchanged them with Sue Barker’s stilettos. It was dead funny when that big galoot came teetering out on them, everyone was on the floor laughing – the 80’s were great and in may ways it was the best period in the history of mankind.

3:30 Tarby on the phone. He’s up for it, but his legs have gone. Can he just come on for 15 minutes and show a bit of the old magic. Strangely enough I think Bill Beaumont in high heels might make a good replacement – Perhaps Parro can be on the opposing team as captain so them bitter bloos can’t moan about it.

4:15pm I am now fuming. Went to the shop to get some rolos. Not a one in the shop. The shop keeper said it’s the shortages. What am I going to do? That big nose Thommo said Ian Rush had been in and got the last 3 packets. He said that Ian was off to the beach with Kenny and they were going to have a picnic. Always steeling my thunder that Rush.

5:00pm Calming down now. Talked to Bill Beaumont. Talk about a list of demands! He wants his own changing room, gourmet meal, and gave me a link to ladies shoes in a bigger size. Wants sequins on his shorts. Wild one our Bill! He said the last time he was in Liverpool he went to the Lisbon and was it open. I said I’d check tomorrow.

6:00pm Bit of a cough. Hope I’m not catching owt. I reckon that Polish baccy that Jerzy gets us is a bit rough so it’s probably that.

7:00pm Kenny called!!!! Get in!!! Said that he went to the beach with Ian Rush but it was rubbish. It was cold, sand got into his ham butty and Ian Rush kept offering him rolos when all he wanted was a kit kat. I’ve got a multipack in from Asda so I’ll not touch them until I see him next which will be Monday when he comes round to tell me about the daft idea that Rushie had. Apparently Rushie thinks it’s such a good idea that he’ll get a knighthood. He’s such a mug that Rush.

9:00pm I think I might have a crafty special brew. I’ve even forgot all about the league! Aldofest, and Kenny coming over in a couple of days is just so time consuming. Only suspended indefinitely! What does that mean? That we can start in April? Some bitter bloo said it meant that the league was over, so I blocked him the nugget.

10:00pm JordanRed from Bournemouth on twitter says that he loves the idea and that Bournemouth will do absolutely everything they can to help out us reds make the league complete and save the day. BBFACEeddie also from Bournemouth said it's a great idea and is sure that their cub will write a stupidly big cheque if it's for the redmen. I reckon they’ll send Nathan Ake to play in Aldofest. He’s alright him. Hope they don’t send that Ibe back.

11:00pm Copiously sick. Bit wheezy. That can’t be good. Better put the Special Brew down the night and get a good kip in. Big day tomorrow. Gotta scout out stuff for Big Bill Beaumont and try and arrange some more stars for Aldofest and then prepare for our Kenny coming around.

11:02pm Siraldofest?
Click to expand...
Should be subscription only this!! Quality mate!!
 
04/04/2020

Today's been a proper ball-ache. None of the pubs are open and all the off-licenses are bare, can't find any cases of Stella anywhere.

When is the footie coming back? This is crap, why can't they just play the matches behind closed doors? All you need is a ball, the ref and the players. When I was playing we didn't have any of these paramedics or fitness coaches on the bench, if you got a whack you got on with it and just iced it afterwards before heading out to town.

I'm fewmin' about all these corrupt, Fergie-puppets at the FA for talking about cancelling the league. We've won it but they hate us and will try everything to stop Jurgen surpassin' their boss. All the rats on twitter are lovin' it but none of them would dare give me their address, horrible little cowards. Clearly their dads didn't bring them up properly.

Saw that Patrice Evra do a video where he was talking about this coronavirus. He probably accused it of being racist because we know he's got form. I'm disgusted Jamie apologised to him on the telly a few months ago there, the lying b***ard should have been sued by the club for slandering us. All Fergie's doing again to keep us down, he knew Liverpool with Luis Suarez was going to surpass them.

The missus' sister is comin' 'round later on, her husband's not long died so she needs the company. I'll say hello to her like but then go upstairs to watch the '89 final again. If we could have Hillsborough happen to us then still go onto win the cup a few weeks later then the rest of the world can get a grip over this Chinese flu or whatever it is.

If Joe Anderson dares try to cancel the victory parade then me and millions of fellow Liverpool supporters will be straight down the Town Hall demanding he resign, let's see the fat blue git try to stop us then whilst we belt out You'll Never Walk Alone and even the police join in with us.

Off out now, got to pop down to Asda to see if they've got any lager and Walker's multibags for when I'm watching the match later. Will need some wine as well for the girls but if one kidda takes a photo of me and puts it on social media I'll make him regret he was born.

See you later, come on the Red Men!
 
Last edited:
5/4/2020

1pm Woke up feeling rough as. Probably coming down with something. I'll nick down to the quacks.

1:30pm Rang the NHS and they told me not to go to ER. Never walk alone? Robbing greedy scpundrels living off the taxpayer. What kind of scumbag organisation wpuld do that? Finished off the couple of cans from last night and feel better. Text messages from Bill Beaumont and Eddie from Bournemouth. Must be Aldofest business.

2:00pm Score from that Eddie. Gonna send some players up to play in the big game. Aldofest is gonna be boss. Beaumont is getting Sue Barker to drive him up but asks how is the Lisbon. I dunno but I'll have to check it out for the big lummox.

3:00pm Spaghetti Legs hanging outside the shop with a mask on. What a nugget. Tells me that Thommo can't get a mask to fit and it looks like his nose is wearing a bra. Nice one Bruce, I bet Kenny'll laugh his big fat backside off at that.

4:00pm Bit of a cough so another few tins. What with the sun out, I'm starting to feel a bit tipsy. Beaumont asking again the grasping git. OK I'm off.

5:00pm Souey rang up and told me there's news from the club. Disappointingly we've not been given the trophy but the nation will be honoured to pay the staff. Brilliant that. The net spend will be superb and we wont be disgracing football like City or Chelsea.

6:00pm Off to the Lisbon. It looked shut but luckily that mentalist Lawro is there. There's a secret knock and he knows it! Gotta hide away from the dibbles what with social isolation. I promised him i can keep it secret with a big wink. Lawro can predict anything and said he knew one day I'd turn up there. Daft sod.

7:00pm There's some really dodgy birds in here. Look a bit like fellas. Having a laugh mind, just took my shirt off and doing the YMCA with a couple of other lads. Everyone is dead friendly. Can see why Billy Beaumont asked about the place.

7:30 Eddie from Bournemouth must have sent up that Ake to find out about the Aldofest game. I guess it's him but he seems a bit heavier than on Sky but he says Ake is his name . Am I racist for not being able to recognise him? No way! I once had Barnesy around for a barbie. Ask him if he is a red or a blue and he answers purple! Dem wools can go either way. But he's a very friendly lad.

9:00pm Ake is a bit clingy, but he recognises a fellow athlete and wants to feel my muscles. That's what the kids are like today with their Instagram and Facebook.

10:00pm Absolutely smashed. Gonna crash at Ake's pad around the corner. Lovely lad.

11:00pm Ake is gonna oil up me muscles and show me some exercises to get in shape for Aldofest. I Instagram it and stick it on my Twitter. Blows up immediately. Half are saying I'm so brave for coming out - it's difficult getting a drinking session with the isolation thing but I'm no hero. The other half is vile from bitter bloos saying stuff that'd make Sammy Lee gag and he can drink a pint of warm "Chang".

11:05pm Lawro calling and telling me he'll come collect me and that he didn't predict this. He knows exactly where I am.

11:10 Big fight between Lawro and Ake. Apparently it's not Nathan Ake but someone else. Taking advantage of ol' Aldo. I don't get it but half of Merseyside thinks I'm gay.

11:15 how will this effect Aldofest? Good job Kenny is coming around tomorrow. He'll know what to do.

Midnight Someone has scoffed the kitkats that I was going to give Kenny. Bill Beaumont said that after my Twitter thing with purple Nathan or whoever it was that he knows what I'm going through and I can count on him.

Mixed day or what! Nothing about the league or the mighty Redman and I ain't done much for Aldofest. Kenny is coming over tomorrow and even without KitKat that'll be great. Hope this hacking cough goes soon.
 
Yarrgh said:
5/4/2020

1pm Woke up feeling rough as. Probably coming down with something. I'll nick down to the quacks.

1:30pm Rang the NHS and they told me not to go to ER. Never walk alone? Robbing greedy scpundrels living off the taxpayer. What kind of scumbag organisation wpuld do that? Finished off the couple of cans from last night and feel better. Text messages from Bill Beaumont and Eddie from Bournemouth. Must be Aldofest business.

2:00pm Score from that Eddie. Gonna send some players up to play in the big game. Aldofest is gonna be boss. Beaumont is getting Sue Barker to drive him up but asks how is the Lisbon. I dunno but I'll have to check it out for the big lummox.

3:00pm Spaghetti Legs hanging outside the shop with a mask on. What a nugget. Tells me that Thommo can't get a mask to fit and it looks like his nose is wearing a bra. Nice one Bruce, I bet Kenny'll laugh his big fat backside off at that.

4:00pm Bit of a cough so another few tins. What with the sun out, I'm starting to feel a bit tipsy. Beaumont asking again the grasping git. OK I'm off.

5:00pm Souey rang up and told me there's news from the club. Disappointingly we've not been given the trophy but the nation will be honoured to pay the staff. Brilliant that. The net spend will be superb and we wont be disgracing football like City or Chelsea.

6:00pm Off to the Lisbon. It looked shut but luckily that mentalist Lawro is there. There's a secret knock and he knows it! Gotta hide away from the dibbles what with social isolation. I promised him i can keep it secret with a big wink. Lawro can predict anything and said he knew one day I'd turn up there. Daft sod.

7:00pm There's some really dodgy birds in here. Look a bit like fellas. Having a laugh mind, just took my shirt off and doing the YMCA with a couple of other lads. Everyone is dead friendly. Can see why Billy Beaumont asked about the place.

7:30 Eddie from Bournemouth must have sent up that Ake to find out about the Aldofest game. I guess it's him but he seems a bit heavier than on Sky but he says Ake is his name . Am I racist for not being able to recognise him? No way! I once had Barnesy around for a barbie. Ask him if he is a red or a blue and he answers purple! Dem wools can go either way. But he's a very friendly lad.

9:00pm Ake is a bit clingy, but he recognises a fellow athlete and wants to feel my muscles. That's what the kids are like today with their Instagram and Facebook.

10:00pm Absolutely smashed. Gonna crash at Ake's pad around the corner. Lovely lad.

11:00pm Ake is gonna oil up me muscles and show me some exercises to get in shape for Aldofest. I Instagram it and stick it on my Twitter. Blows up immediately. Half are saying I'm so brave for coming out - it's difficult getting a drinking session with the isolation thing but I'm no hero. The other half is vile from bitter bloos saying stuff that'd make Sammy Lee gag and he can drink a pint of warm "Chang".

11:05pm Lawro calling and telling me he'll come collect me and that he didn't predict this. He knows exactly where I am.

11:10 Big fight between Lawro and Ake. Apparently it's not Nathan Ake but someone else. Taking advantage of ol' Aldo. I don't get it but half of Merseyside thinks I'm gay.

11:15 how will this effect Aldofest? Good job Kenny is coming around tomorrow. He'll know what to do.

Midnight Someone has scoffed the kitkats that I was going to give Kenny. Bill Beaumont said that after my Twitter thing with purple Nathan or whoever it was that he knows what I'm going through and I can count on him.

Mixed day or what! Nothing about the league or the mighty Redman and I ain't done much for Aldofest. Kenny is coming over tomorrow and even without KitKat that'll be great. Hope this hacking cough goes soon.
Click to expand...
Outstanding as buck Rodgers used to say mate!!
 
Yarrgh said:
5/4/2020

1pm Woke up feeling rough as. Probably coming down with something. I'll nick down to the quacks.

1:30pm Rang the NHS and they told me not to go to ER. Never walk alone? Robbing greedy scpundrels living off the taxpayer. What kind of scumbag organisation wpuld do that? Finished off the couple of cans from last night and feel better. Text messages from Bill Beaumont and Eddie from Bournemouth. Must be Aldofest business.

2:00pm Score from that Eddie. Gonna send some players up to play in the big game. Aldofest is gonna be boss. Beaumont is getting Sue Barker to drive him up but asks how is the Lisbon. I dunno but I'll have to check it out for the big lummox.

3:00pm Spaghetti Legs hanging outside the shop with a mask on. What a nugget. Tells me that Thommo can't get a mask to fit and it looks like his nose is wearing a bra. Nice one Bruce, I bet Kenny'll laugh his big fat backside off at that.

4:00pm Bit of a cough so another few tins. What with the sun out, I'm starting to feel a bit tipsy. Beaumont asking again the grasping git. OK I'm off.

5:00pm Souey rang up and told me there's news from the club. Disappointingly we've not been given the trophy but the nation will be honoured to pay the staff. Brilliant that. The net spend will be superb and we wont be disgracing football like City or Chelsea.

6:00pm Off to the Lisbon. It looked shut but luckily that mentalist Lawro is there. There's a secret knock and he knows it! Gotta hide away from the dibbles what with social isolation. I promised him i can keep it secret with a big wink. Lawro can predict anything and said he knew one day I'd turn up there. Daft sod.

7:00pm There's some really dodgy birds in here. Look a bit like fellas. Having a laugh mind, just took my shirt off and doing the YMCA with a couple of other lads. Everyone is dead friendly. Can see why Billy Beaumont asked about the place.

7:30 Eddie from Bournemouth must have sent up that Ake to find out about the Aldofest game. I guess it's him but he seems a bit heavier than on Sky but he says Ake is his name . Am I racist for not being able to recognise him? No way! I once had Barnesy around for a barbie. Ask him if he is a red or a blue and he answers purple! Dem wools can go either way. But he's a very friendly lad.

9:00pm Ake is a bit clingy, but he recognises a fellow athlete and wants to feel my muscles. That's what the kids are like today with their Instagram and Facebook.

10:00pm Absolutely smashed. Gonna crash at Ake's pad around the corner. Lovely lad.

11:00pm Ake is gonna oil up me muscles and show me some exercises to get in shape for Aldofest. I Instagram it and stick it on my Twitter. Blows up immediately. Half are saying I'm so brave for coming out - it's difficult getting a drinking session with the isolation thing but I'm no hero. The other half is vile from bitter bloos saying stuff that'd make Sammy Lee gag and he can drink a pint of warm "Chang".

11:05pm Lawro calling and telling me he'll come collect me and that he didn't predict this. He knows exactly where I am.

11:10 Big fight between Lawro and Ake. Apparently it's not Nathan Ake but someone else. Taking advantage of ol' Aldo. I don't get it but half of Merseyside thinks I'm gay.

11:15 how will this effect Aldofest? Good job Kenny is coming around tomorrow. He'll know what to do.

Midnight Someone has scoffed the kitkats that I was going to give Kenny. Bill Beaumont said that after my Twitter thing with purple Nathan or whoever it was that he knows what I'm going through and I can count on him.

Mixed day or what! Nothing about the league or the mighty Redman and I ain't done much for Aldofest. Kenny is coming over tomorrow and even without KitKat that'll be great. Hope this hacking cough goes soon.
Click to expand...

Best one so far.
 
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