The Secret Diary of Aldo Aged 61 1/2

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Baines' left foot said:
Carlsberg Special Brew brings back some memories.

Back when I was 16 I used to drink in the parks around Wallasey/New Brighton with a big gang of mates (the good old days) where a night out cost no more than £5, I used to go between the likes of a 3L bottle of White Lightening/8 cans of Fosters for £5. I tried Special Brew one time and it was awful stuff, it tasted like treacle and I had to hold my nose with every swig. Still, it was cheap and did the job at the time. I hadn't even finished my third can before I was staggering around hammered talking utter guff. I think it was 9% at the time.

This was in the days where your street cred was measured by how much you could drink. People would ask how much you've drank and lads would lie and say "I've had half a bottle of voddy, 3 cans of Fosters, 1L of White Lightening etc."

On my Special Brew night I distinctly remember being asked by a group of lads how much I'd drank.

"I've had 3 cans of..." and before I could utter the words Special Brew they all erupted with laugher.

"HAHAHHAHAHA, he's an effin lightweight this one, WHHHEEEEEEYYYYYYY HAHHAHAHAHHAHAH!!!!!!!"

Cans went flying, everyone in bulk doubled over pissing themselves laughing. My street cred was in absolute tatters.

Great site lads. All the best.
Click to expand...

Yeah but you redeemed yourself all these years later by being right about Tom Davies being CRAP. WHO'S LAUGHING NOW ANDY AND BAZZO????
 
Yarrgh said:
02/04/20

1:00pm I feel really ill today. I woke up in a pile of vomit with me kit all ruined. I’ve lost a shinpad, but at least my captain’s armband is still intact. Something is really wrong with that Special Brew from the corner shop – can’t get past the 18th can without voiding the contents of my stomach.

2:00pm Bad head.

3:00pm Must have drifted off, but there’s a voice message on my phone. It’s from Kenny I think because it’s in Scottish. I can’t understand exactly what he said but I bet he wants to meet up at the park after 4.

4:00pm Showered, shaven and fresh. Put on my cleanest pants and everything. Off to the park where Kenny hangs out. Still feel rough, but when I get there I won’t be walking alone. Love hanging out with Kenny me. Mrs A wants to know when I get back, tell her I might be out all night with the lads. She told me to stop behaving like a prat and sit down and have my tea and that I can be back before 8 or I’ll be getting a kick up the ar5e. Women hey?

5:00pm Sausage beans and chips. Brilliant. But I’m late. I hope Kenny is still at the park.

5:15pm [Poor language removed].

5:45pm It was that big bully Duncan from the other side of the park. Wanted to know who’d been throwing special brew cans at his pigeon loft. I told him it would be that binman from Page Moss, but he battered me anyway.

6:00pm That soft shi*e, Blue Bill came over and helped me up. Wouldn’t believe it that his Duncan would do this to me. Said that I looked like someone had pushed a wall on me. Haha, think yer big and clever, you won’t be when we’re champions and you suck. He gave me a couple of quid so I bought a pack of rolos and the Echo.

7:00pm Couple of special brews and starting to feel fine. I look at the Echo to see what they’re saying. Big news is that Jurgs is saying them Madrid fans were wrong to come and infect us and he was worried. Big heart, lovely teeth, a real class act even if he is a German from Germany. Lovely piece from lickle Micky Owen saying that Liverpool should get the title and that there’s an agenda from everyone in the league. Dead right lad, I’ve been shouting that for years at anyone within ear shot.

8:00pm Mrs A comes in and tells me Kenny called round while I was out. Kenny was in his full kit too and wanted to know if I wanted to play striker on the astro. Instead I was getting my head panned by that bully. What a nugget that Duncan is.

9:00pm Chatting online to Martin Samuels. He tells me football could continue soon or else he’s getting booted off Sunday Supplement on Sky. They’ve already stopped giving them Tesco Extra Special croissants and nespresso and they haven’t changed the jazz mags in the green room for weeks now. I’m really worried.

11:00pm Do you know when them lazy NHS sh*thouses robbed our song and got an 8 o’clock clap. Just tweeted that we should reclaim the song and have our own clap at 7pm (19:00 Get it? Dead clever), but some bitter bloo said we could have it at a quarter to 7 or 18:45 as he tweeted. What a brain-dead nugget. Blocked and reported. Ran out of ale so went to bed.
Click to expand...

This is the tonic we need in these troubled times.

More Aldo than Aldo.

Can someone he hasn't blocked on twitter link him to this and then warn all pigeons in the district to be on their guard?
 
03/04/20

9:00 am Brilliant news just in today. Belgium have just announced that the team in number one position are champions. Well done lads! That’s only fair. Love the Belgians me. They’re always breaking down barriers over there. Perhaps them misery guts in Juventus should pay attention and they could be champions if they keep quiet.

10:00am Some Belgian no mark at City is saying we should void the league and cancel it all. Utter rubbish. Hate the Belgians me. Highs and Lows. Was saving my last rolo for Kenny, but scoff it myself to feel better.

1:00pm We need to lift the nation’s spirits. Who better to do that der mighty red men? Can you imagine a big festival of celebrity football at Anfield? It’s just what we need! I’ve been working on name for it. So far I’ve come up with Aldobury, Aldofest and Aldostock.

2:00pm Tarby in goal, John Bishop centre mid with Kenny and me up front. You’ll be laughing and yet still in thrall of the skill levels. I’m on fire here.

3:00pm Souey rang up to tell me he’s got bog roll finally. He’s been eating microwave curries since he had to isolate, and he’s had the runs for 2 weeks and he’s had to use his collection of footie shirts torn up into strips. No wonder he’s such a nark. He loved the idea about Aldofest and as long as his guts hold up will be doing an exhibition of his latin and ballroom dancing for half time entertainment. Classic Souey!

4:00pm I just rang Crown Paint. They’d be my number one in the queue to sponsor it. The woman on the phone said that it sounded interesting and she’d pass the message on to the commercial department. Getting Serious now!

5:00pm I wouldn’t be surprised if I got a medal from the Queen.

5:02pm Just as I am thinking about what I’d say to the Queen, Lawro rings up. He’s apparently predicting the future on the BBC. Who would have thought that he was a mentalist? So that’s Tarby, Bisho, Souey and Lawro the mentalist. Looks like I might get an OBE.

5:10pm When this comes off, it’ll show them nuggets at the FA that football is safe. Der redmen will win the title and the nation will demand I get an honour. Is an MBE more or less than an OBE?

5:20pm Dinner was egg and chips. I made them into a butty. I’ve not been out today. Better get out or else them lazy bu99ers in the NHS will think they’ve won. Can hardly eat though - Waldofest is that exciting!

5:40pm stroll around the block with Rafael the poodle. He’s past his prime but I bet they’d still take him in China. Am I a big racist for that? Perhaps I should invite some of them poor infected people from that there Wuhan over to Waldofest. Charge £1 a hug of them and break down the barriers of ignorance. Starting to think that a knighthood is in the offing.

7:00pm Nothing from Kenny. I wanted to ask him if I could wear my best suit to receive my knighthood or would I be ok in some smart jeans? Who else could help me? I know, well known Liverpool fan Sir Jimmy Saville!

7:30pm Why didn’t anyone tell me, Sir Jimmy is dead. I’m heart broken, he touched me in a very special way when I was a kid. He represented everything good about the club. I had him down for playing the music.

8:00pm Just mentioned Aldofest on twitter and that gobs*te Paul McCartney said he’d do a virtual link with loads of classic songs or even do a benefit concert for the NHS when the virus had passed. I told him no thanks, he was old news and that he’s not been relevant for 30 years or something. Typical bloo tring to horn in on my work. Blocked the nugget. Cheeky sod, mind you I could have asked him about jeans being ok to see the Queen.

9:00pm my online mate Fants said it will be brilliant and has tweeted it all over the show. It’s kicking off now. A dozen offers of being stewards came in. I never thought about that. Most of them are bloos and work at united. A bit of a coincidence but most of them have employment agencies and have loads of contacts and don’t think the league should be voided. I think they might really be redmen in disguise trying to get in for free. Top bantz!

10:00pm Steaming now. The special brew is flowing like wine now. I’ve made a crown out of a pot noodle pot and have my jeans on and ’86 shirt (Championeeeeeeeeeeeeee) and have just stuck on half a can of Lynx Africa. Looking at myself in the mirror, I reckon that it’s the Queen who will be receiving the honour if you know what I mean!

11:00pm It’s been a brilliant day. Apart from Sir Jimmy. Why does it always happen to the good ones.

11:30pm Sir John. Beat that spaghetti legs you nugget.
 
Yarrgh said:
03/04/20

9:00 am Brilliant news just in today. Belgium have just announced that the team in number one position are champions. Well done lads! That’s only fair. Love the Belgians me. They’re always breaking down barriers over there. Perhaps them misery guts in Juventus should pay attention and they could be champions if they keep quiet.

10:00am Some Belgian no mark at City is saying we should void the league and cancel it all. Utter rubbish. Hate the Belgians me. Highs and Lows. Was saving my last rolo for Kenny, but scoff it myself to feel better.

1:00pm We need to lift the nation’s spirits. Who better to do that der mighty red men? Can you imagine a big festival of celebrity football at Anfield? It’s just what we need! I’ve been working on name for it. So far I’ve come up with Aldobury, Aldofest and Aldostock.

2:00pm Tarby in goal, John Bishop centre mid with Kenny and me up front. You’ll be laughing and yet still in thrall of the skill levels. I’m on fire here.

3:00pm Souey rang up to tell me he’s got bog roll finally. He’s been eating microwave curries since he had to isolate, and he’s had the runs for 2 weeks and he’s had to use his collection of footie shirts torn up into strips. No wonder he’s such a nark. He loved the idea about Aldofest and as long as his guts hold up will be doing an exhibition of his latin and ballroom dancing for half time entertainment. Classic Souey!

4:00pm I just rang Crown Paint. They’d be my number one in the queue to sponsor it. The woman on the phone said that it sounded interesting and she’d pass the message on to the commercial department. Getting Serious now!

5:00pm I wouldn’t be surprised if I got a medal from the Queen.

5:02pm Just as I am thinking about what I’d say to the Queen, Lawro rings up. He’s apparently predicting the future on the BBC. Who would have thought that he was a mentalist? So that’s Tarby, Bisho, Souey and Lawro the mentalist. Looks like I might get an OBE.

5:10pm When this comes off, it’ll show them nuggets at the FA that football is safe. Der redmen will win the title and the nation will demand I get an honour. Is an MBE more or less than an OBE?

5:20pm Dinner was egg and chips. I made them into a butty. I’ve not been out today. Better get out or else them lazy bu99ers in the NHS will think they’ve won. Can hardly eat though - Waldofest is that exciting!

5:40pm stroll around the block with Rafael the poodle. He’s past his prime but I bet they’d still take him in China. Am I a big racist for that? Perhaps I should invite some of them poor infected people from that there Wuhan over to Waldofest. Charge £1 a hug of them and break down the barriers of ignorance. Starting to think that a knighthood is in the offing.

7:00pm Nothing from Kenny. I wanted to ask him if I could wear my best suit to receive my knighthood or would I be ok in some smart jeans? Who else could help me? I know, well known Liverpool fan Sir Jimmy Saville!

7:30pm Why didn’t anyone tell me, Sir Jimmy is dead. I’m heart broken, he touched me in a very special way when I was a kid. He represented everything good about the club. I had him down for playing the music.

8:00pm Just mentioned Aldofest on twitter and that gobs*te Paul McCartney said he’d do a virtual link with loads of classic songs or even do a benefit concert for the NHS when the virus had passed. I told him no thanks, he was old news and that he’s not been relevant for 30 years or something. Typical bloo tring to horn in on my work. Blocked the nugget. Cheeky sod, mind you I could have asked him about jeans being ok to see the Queen.

9:00pm my online mate Fants said it will be brilliant and has tweeted it all over the show. It’s kicking off now. A dozen offers of being stewards came in. I never thought about that. Most of them are bloos and work at united. A bit of a coincidence but most of them have employment agencies and have loads of contacts and don’t think the league should be voided. I think they might really be redmen in disguise trying to get in for free. Top bantz!

10:00pm Steaming now. The special brew is flowing like wine now. I’ve made a crown out of a pot noodle pot and have my jeans on and ’86 shirt (Championeeeeeeeeeeeeee) and have just stuck on half a can of Lynx Africa. Looking at myself in the mirror, I reckon that it’s the Queen who will be receiving the honour if you know what I mean!

11:00pm It’s been a brilliant day. Apart from Sir Jimmy. Why does it always happen to the good ones.

11:30pm Sir John. Beat that spaghetti legs you nugget.
Click to expand...

" Most of them are bloos and work at United " lol
 
Yarrgh said:
03/04/20

9:00 am Brilliant news just in today. Belgium have just announced that the team in number one position are champions. Well done lads! That’s only fair. Love the Belgians me. They’re always breaking down barriers over there. Perhaps them misery guts in Juventus should pay attention and they could be champions if they keep quiet.

10:00am Some Belgian no mark at City is saying we should void the league and cancel it all. Utter rubbish. Hate the Belgians me. Highs and Lows. Was saving my last rolo for Kenny, but scoff it myself to feel better.

1:00pm We need to lift the nation’s spirits. Who better to do that der mighty red men? Can you imagine a big festival of celebrity football at Anfield? It’s just what we need! I’ve been working on name for it. So far I’ve come up with Aldobury, Aldofest and Aldostock.

2:00pm Tarby in goal, John Bishop centre mid with Kenny and me up front. You’ll be laughing and yet still in thrall of the skill levels. I’m on fire here.

3:00pm Souey rang up to tell me he’s got bog roll finally. He’s been eating microwave curries since he had to isolate, and he’s had the runs for 2 weeks and he’s had to use his collection of footie shirts torn up into strips. No wonder he’s such a nark. He loved the idea about Aldofest and as long as his guts hold up will be doing an exhibition of his latin and ballroom dancing for half time entertainment. Classic Souey!

4:00pm I just rang Crown Paint. They’d be my number one in the queue to sponsor it. The woman on the phone said that it sounded interesting and she’d pass the message on to the commercial department. Getting Serious now!

5:00pm I wouldn’t be surprised if I got a medal from the Queen.

5:02pm Just as I am thinking about what I’d say to the Queen, Lawro rings up. He’s apparently predicting the future on the BBC. Who would have thought that he was a mentalist? So that’s Tarby, Bisho, Souey and Lawro the mentalist. Looks like I might get an OBE.

5:10pm When this comes off, it’ll show them nuggets at the FA that football is safe. Der redmen will win the title and the nation will demand I get an honour. Is an MBE more or less than an OBE?

5:20pm Dinner was egg and chips. I made them into a butty. I’ve not been out today. Better get out or else them lazy bu99ers in the NHS will think they’ve won. Can hardly eat though - Waldofest is that exciting!

5:40pm stroll around the block with Rafael the poodle. He’s past his prime but I bet they’d still take him in China. Am I a big racist for that? Perhaps I should invite some of them poor infected people from that there Wuhan over to Waldofest. Charge £1 a hug of them and break down the barriers of ignorance. Starting to think that a knighthood is in the offing.

7:00pm Nothing from Kenny. I wanted to ask him if I could wear my best suit to receive my knighthood or would I be ok in some smart jeans? Who else could help me? I know, well known Liverpool fan Sir Jimmy Saville!

7:30pm Why didn’t anyone tell me, Sir Jimmy is dead. I’m heart broken, he touched me in a very special way when I was a kid. He represented everything good about the club. I had him down for playing the music.

8:00pm Just mentioned Aldofest on twitter and that gobs*te Paul McCartney said he’d do a virtual link with loads of classic songs or even do a benefit concert for the NHS when the virus had passed. I told him no thanks, he was old news and that he’s not been relevant for 30 years or something. Typical bloo tring to horn in on my work. Blocked the nugget. Cheeky sod, mind you I could have asked him about jeans being ok to see the Queen.

9:00pm my online mate Fants said it will be brilliant and has tweeted it all over the show. It’s kicking off now. A dozen offers of being stewards came in. I never thought about that. Most of them are bloos and work at united. A bit of a coincidence but most of them have employment agencies and have loads of contacts and don’t think the league should be voided. I think they might really be redmen in disguise trying to get in for free. Top bantz!

10:00pm Steaming now. The special brew is flowing like wine now. I’ve made a crown out of a pot noodle pot and have my jeans on and ’86 shirt (Championeeeeeeeeeeeeee) and have just stuck on half a can of Lynx Africa. Looking at myself in the mirror, I reckon that it’s the Queen who will be receiving the honour if you know what I mean!

11:00pm It’s been a brilliant day. Apart from Sir Jimmy. Why does it always happen to the good ones.

11:30pm Sir John. Beat that spaghetti legs you nugget.
Click to expand...

Top stuff. It's got the lot from Jimmy Saville, accusations of casual Aldo racism, mystic Lawro, and @Keiran

Keep it up!

Off to buy some rolos...
 
As I’ve mentioned before, my son’s a red (n), and a school friend of his, also a red, composed a similar parody about Lucas and his day to day trivia which he published on social media (like @yarggh diary it was well composed).

Lucas was it’s fondest reader.
 
Yarrgh said:
03/04/20

9:00 am Brilliant news just in today. Belgium have just announced that the team in number one position are champions. Well done lads! That’s only fair. Love the Belgians me. They’re always breaking down barriers over there. Perhaps them misery guts in Juventus should pay attention and they could be champions if they keep quiet.

10:00am Some Belgian no mark at City is saying we should void the league and cancel it all. Utter rubbish. Hate the Belgians me. Highs and Lows. Was saving my last rolo for Kenny, but scoff it myself to feel better.

1:00pm We need to lift the nation’s spirits. Who better to do that der mighty red men? Can you imagine a big festival of celebrity football at Anfield? It’s just what we need! I’ve been working on name for it. So far I’ve come up with Aldobury, Aldofest and Aldostock.

2:00pm Tarby in goal, John Bishop centre mid with Kenny and me up front. You’ll be laughing and yet still in thrall of the skill levels. I’m on fire here.

3:00pm Souey rang up to tell me he’s got bog roll finally. He’s been eating microwave curries since he had to isolate, and he’s had the runs for 2 weeks and he’s had to use his collection of footie shirts torn up into strips. No wonder he’s such a nark. He loved the idea about Aldofest and as long as his guts hold up will be doing an exhibition of his latin and ballroom dancing for half time entertainment. Classic Souey!

4:00pm I just rang Crown Paint. They’d be my number one in the queue to sponsor it. The woman on the phone said that it sounded interesting and she’d pass the message on to the commercial department. Getting Serious now!

5:00pm I wouldn’t be surprised if I got a medal from the Queen.

5:02pm Just as I am thinking about what I’d say to the Queen, Lawro rings up. He’s apparently predicting the future on the BBC. Who would have thought that he was a mentalist? So that’s Tarby, Bisho, Souey and Lawro the mentalist. Looks like I might get an OBE.

5:10pm When this comes off, it’ll show them nuggets at the FA that football is safe. Der redmen will win the title and the nation will demand I get an honour. Is an MBE more or less than an OBE?

5:20pm Dinner was egg and chips. I made them into a butty. I’ve not been out today. Better get out or else them lazy bu99ers in the NHS will think they’ve won. Can hardly eat though - Waldofest is that exciting!

5:40pm stroll around the block with Rafael the poodle. He’s past his prime but I bet they’d still take him in China. Am I a big racist for that? Perhaps I should invite some of them poor infected people from that there Wuhan over to Waldofest. Charge £1 a hug of them and break down the barriers of ignorance. Starting to think that a knighthood is in the offing.

7:00pm Nothing from Kenny. I wanted to ask him if I could wear my best suit to receive my knighthood or would I be ok in some smart jeans? Who else could help me? I know, well known Liverpool fan Sir Jimmy Saville!

7:30pm Why didn’t anyone tell me, Sir Jimmy is dead. I’m heart broken, he touched me in a very special way when I was a kid. He represented everything good about the club. I had him down for playing the music.

8:00pm Just mentioned Aldofest on twitter and that gobs*te Paul McCartney said he’d do a virtual link with loads of classic songs or even do a benefit concert for the NHS when the virus had passed. I told him no thanks, he was old news and that he’s not been relevant for 30 years or something. Typical bloo tring to horn in on my work. Blocked the nugget. Cheeky sod, mind you I could have asked him about jeans being ok to see the Queen.

9:00pm my online mate Fants said it will be brilliant and has tweeted it all over the show. It’s kicking off now. A dozen offers of being stewards came in. I never thought about that. Most of them are bloos and work at united. A bit of a coincidence but most of them have employment agencies and have loads of contacts and don’t think the league should be voided. I think they might really be redmen in disguise trying to get in for free. Top bantz!

10:00pm Steaming now. The special brew is flowing like wine now. I’ve made a crown out of a pot noodle pot and have my jeans on and ’86 shirt (Championeeeeeeeeeeeeee) and have just stuck on half a can of Lynx Africa. Looking at myself in the mirror, I reckon that it’s the Queen who will be receiving the honour if you know what I mean!

11:00pm It’s been a brilliant day. Apart from Sir Jimmy. Why does it always happen to the good ones.

11:30pm Sir John. Beat that spaghetti legs you nugget.
Click to expand...
Great work mete!!!Sad to say in these times, but I'm looking forward to these updates on the leg-end Aldo lol lol
 
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