Jokes Thread

[bigbadjeff]

In the great days of the British Empire, a new Commanding Officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring Colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring Colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the Regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."

Here the Colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind all that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f*** off."[/QUOT

my false teeth almost fell out laughing at this

 

[bigbadjeff]

My false teeth almost fell out laughing at this

 

[anton66]

What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?
One's a 2 ton beast.
The other's a little lighter.

 

[Ashtonian]

Two irish men walking through town at 4am drunk as hell.

One turns to the other and says Is that the sun mick?

the other replies, no idea, i don't live round here!

 

[Eggs]

....I don't know what's the best thing about Switzerland but the flag is a big plus.

 

[LEONARD]

My Father keep's pestering me to become an organ donor.

He's a man after my own heart.

 

[bitter-no-better]

A baldy cat gets on the bus. The driver asks "where's your fare!"

 

[ijjysmith]

Did you hear about the conductor who was sacked for renting out the roof at Waterloo to Swedish furniture shops?

That'll teach him to have IKEAs above his station.

 

[AndyC]

A man boarded an aircraft at London Heathrow Airport's Terminal 5 for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

'Hello', he blurted out, 'Business trip or vacation?'

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, 'Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the
United States.'

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?'

'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are those?'

'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in
fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.'

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said 'I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!'

'Tonto,' the man said. 'Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.'

 

[summerisle]

 

[AndyC]

A friend with a lisp has passed away.

He will be miffed.

 

[COYB]

id tell a joke about my nob
but it's to long everyone would get bored

 

[Joey66]

id tell a joke about my nob
but it's to long everyone would get bored

Does it have a LUDO tattoo on it?
As the nurse was told by the patient that his nob was a big one!
When she seen LUDO she stated that's not that big!
He then told her it spelt LLANDUDNO when erect!

 

[AndyC]

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way to get out of the house and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives and there they are on the golf course.

The first guy says, "Boy this game has cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have all lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I gave my wife a kiss on the cheek and said, "Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for sex or golf" and she said, "You'll be needing a warm sweater then..."

 

[LEONARD]

I always try and accentuate the positive in life.

But working in an HIV clinic, this can be tricky at times.