raithrovers94
Player Valuation: £1m
I!m always confusing Americans and Canadians, I use big words
Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
Professor Toffee
On and on, over the hill and the craic is good
A day without sunshine is like, night.
Professor Toffee
On and on, over the hill and the craic is good
Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
Professor Toffee
On and on, over the hill and the craic is good
I think it’s pretty cool how
the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
A foursome of guys is waiting at the men’s tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee.
The ladies are taking their time.
When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it about 10 feet, then goes over and whiffs it completely.
Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says, apologetically, "I guess all those" F-----G lessons" I took over the winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken "golf lessons” instead!”
He never even had a chance to duck.
The ladies are taking their time.
When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it about 10 feet, then goes over and whiffs it completely.
Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says, apologetically, "I guess all those" F-----G lessons" I took over the winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken "golf lessons” instead!”
He never even had a chance to duck.
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
A guy walked into a bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a 45 calibre Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."
A voice from the back of the room called out,
"You need more ammo!”
A voice from the back of the room called out,
"You need more ammo!”
DownOnTheUpside
Player Valuation: £30m
I asked my mate how life is in north korea these days
He said he can't complain
He said he can't complain
monty
Sack Sky and donate to GOT...donations are needed
Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart. Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay, what's your name?" "It's John, and I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart. "John, she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later." "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on now " Elizabeth insisted. She was so pretty, very sexy and persuasive. I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it." After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now." "Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still under the cart, I guess", I said.
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!" Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!" -
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!" Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!" -
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
In the great days of the British Empire, a new Commanding Officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring Colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring Colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the Regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
Here the Colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind all that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f*** off."
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring Colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the Regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
Here the Colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind all that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f*** off."
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
Ashtonian
Banned on request
Paddy and mickey save up over a number of years and buy themselves a pub in the middle of dublin. 6 months pass and they are struggling for custom and the bills are becoming unaffordable. They gather round a pint one day and try to come up with ideas on how to save their business.
Paddy says 'you know, we could always reopen it as a brothel?'
Mickey replies back ' don't be stupid paddy, if we can't sell Guinness in the middle of Dublin, how the hell are we going to sell soup?'
Paddy says 'you know, we could always reopen it as a brothel?'
Mickey replies back ' don't be stupid paddy, if we can't sell Guinness in the middle of Dublin, how the hell are we going to sell soup?'
monty
Sack Sky and donate to GOT...donations are needed
...........glad someones read them alllolWelcome
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