Jokes Thread

[Seathestars]

A kid walks in to his parents bedroom and see's his mum bouncing up and down on his dad.

she's blushing as she says 'oh sorry son, I was just flattening down your dad's big belly'.

Kid reply's, 'your wasting your time mum, as soon as you go shopping Mary from next door comes in and blows it straight back up again'.

 

[DownOnTheUpside]

How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black

 

[DownOnTheUpside]

Heard about them new viagra eyedrops? They make you look hard

 

[tim gabbott]

Everton's Transfer performance this summer

Don't give up your day job mate

 

[KaiserEFC]

Ever had sex whilst camping?

It's intents.

 

[AndyC]

Many years ago during my married days, just prior to my divorce.....I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay, what's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John”, she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles.
Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on now" Elizabeth insisted.

She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak.
"Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it."

After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth.
"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset.
So I'd best go now."

"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly.
"She won't know anything.
By the way, where is she?"



"Still under the cart, I guess."

 

[orly]

Many years ago during my married days, just prior to my divorce.....I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay, what's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John”, she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles.
Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on now" Elizabeth insisted.

She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak.
"Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it."

After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth.
"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset.
So I'd best go now."

"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly.
"She won't know anything.
By the way, where is she?"



"Still under the cart, I guess."

Sorry to hear about the divorce mate

 

[No Alla Violenza]

Husband takes his wife to a disco. There's a guy on the dancefloor giving it loads - break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to the husband and says 'see that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down'.

Husband says 'looks like he's still f#####g celebrating'

 

[ijjysmith]

Perry the penguin was hitching a lift.

Got picked up by a bloke 'North or south mate?'

'Doesn't matter. I'm bi-polar'

 

[Ashtonian]

Going to work the other day i seen a friend of mine who was a little on the short side. He was only 4 foot tall standing straight. He was waiting for the bus so i thought i would be nice and i stop and offered him a lift.

'want a lift mate?'
F off'

I was shocked at that response! I just zipped up my backpack and carried on walking.

 

[Seathestars]

A man gets pulled over on suspicion of drink driving, Copper tells him he needs to breathalyse him.

He pulls out a NHS card that states 'this man is asthmatic, do not breathalyse him'.

Copper tells him 'OK but I need a blood sample instead; he pulls out another NHS card that states, 'this man is Anaemic, do not ask for blood'.

Copper asks him for a urine sample, he pulls out another NHS card that states, 'this man is a LFC season ticket holder, do not take the piss !!!!

 

[Jamo Martinez]

How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black

How many police officers does it take to throw a suspect down a flight of stairs?

''None, the accused slipped and fell your honour''

 

[Durham Toffee]

What cheese lures bears out of woods?


Camembert.

 

[Durham Toffee]

What cheese can disguise a horse?


Marscapone

 

[DownOnTheUpside]

I woke up this morning and saw my wife sitting on the edge of the bed with two black eyes."

"What the [Poor language removed] happened to you?" I asked.

"This is what happens when you drink 9 pints of lager," she replied.

"That's nonsense," I said, looking in the mirror, "I drank 9 pints of lager last night and my face is fine.