Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
Professor Toffee
On and on, over the hill and the craic is good
Rob Auton -"I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."
Professor Toffee
On and on, over the hill and the craic is good
Stewart Francis -"You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."
Professor Toffee
On and on, over the hill and the craic is good
Nick Helm -"I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."
Professor Toffee
On and on, over the hill and the craic is good
Tim Vine -"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again
monty
Sack Sky and donate to GOT...donations are needed
I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm, bless him.
I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"
He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said, "That's gonna be a bit awkward, init?"
"Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive [Poor language removed]."
I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"
He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said, "That's gonna be a bit awkward, init?"
"Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive [Poor language removed]."
Professor Toffee
On and on, over the hill and the craic is good
Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'.
He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'.
'Is it common?'I asked.
'It's not unusual' he replied.
He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'.
'Is it common?'I asked.
'It's not unusual' he replied.
Whistlin' Dixie
Player Valuation: £50m
Man goes to the doctor's, feeling particularly poorly
'Bad news, I'm afraid - you've got a nasty case of G.A.S.H.'
'WTF's G.A.S.H?' begged the man
'Gonorrhea, Aids, Syphilis and Herpes' replied the doctor, sternly. 'But don't worry, I think I have the solution; I'm going to lock you in this room for six whole months, and put you on a strict diet of cheese & crackers'
'Cheese & crackers...why?' pleaded the man.
'It won't cure you, but it's all that'll fit under the door'
'Bad news, I'm afraid - you've got a nasty case of G.A.S.H.'
'WTF's G.A.S.H?' begged the man
'Gonorrhea, Aids, Syphilis and Herpes' replied the doctor, sternly. 'But don't worry, I think I have the solution; I'm going to lock you in this room for six whole months, and put you on a strict diet of cheese & crackers'
'Cheese & crackers...why?' pleaded the man.
'It won't cure you, but it's all that'll fit under the door'
tommytowne
Player Valuation: £50m
Went to a fancy dress do at the weekend.
I had a red cable hanging out of one ear and a black one out of the other.
Guy at the party asked what I was supposed to be.
A battery charger I said.
He said we'll don't be starting anything here.
I had a red cable hanging out of one ear and a black one out of the other.
Guy at the party asked what I was supposed to be.
A battery charger I said.
He said we'll don't be starting anything here.
Rugby Toffee
Player Valuation: £60m
Everton's Transfer performance this summer
deipnosophist
Player Valuation: £80m
Newly married couple, bit hard up so staying at parents/in laws. To be discreet they come up with the word 'washing' as code for sex.
One day, at dinner table, the bloke whispers to wife "feel like a bit of washing, baby?"
Nah she replies...can't be arsed
Later in bed though, she turns to hubby and whispers seductively " how about that washing you mentioned earlier?"
Fella replies "nah, you're alright... it was only a small load
... and I did it by hand
One day, at dinner table, the bloke whispers to wife "feel like a bit of washing, baby?"
Nah she replies...can't be arsed
Later in bed though, she turns to hubby and whispers seductively " how about that washing you mentioned earlier?"
Fella replies "nah, you're alright... it was only a small load
... and I did it by hand
monty
Sack Sky and donate to GOT...donations are needed
Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time? 'Of course', the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please - just one more time before I die ?' She says, 'Of course, dear.' And they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey , I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could....?'
At this point the wife rolls over and says, 'Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning... you don't...
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time? 'Of course', the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please - just one more time before I die ?' She says, 'Of course, dear.' And they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey , I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could....?'
At this point the wife rolls over and says, 'Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning... you don't...
Welcome
Join Grand Old Team to get involved in the Everton discussion. Signing up is quick, easy, and completely free.
Shop
