Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
I worked out that on average I sleep with a little over three people every week. You could say I'm Pi-sexual.
Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church.
The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all.
The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in B & Q either."
The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all.
The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in B & Q either."
Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella.
Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella..??"
Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round, I was ****ing skint."
... Barman says, "12 pints of anything in here costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's My Dog."
Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella..??"
Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round, I was ****ing skint."
... Barman says, "12 pints of anything in here costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's My Dog."
BEST CLEANEST JOKE FOR YEARS!
>> Getting Married Jack, age 92, and Gill, age 89, are all excited about
>> their decision to get married.
>> They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass
>> a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in.
>> Jack addresses the man behind the counter:
>> "Are you the owner?"
>> The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
>> Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
>> Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
>> Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?"
>> Pharmacist: "All kinds"
>> Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
>> Pharmacist: "Definitely."
>> Jack: "How about suppositories?"
>> Pharmacist: "Yes"
>> Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"
>> Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
>> Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's
>> disease?"
>> Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
>> Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
>> Pharmacist: "We do..."
>> Jack: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and walking sticks?"
>> Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
>> Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?"
>> Pharmacist: "Yes."
>> JACK: "THEN WE'D LIKE TO USE THIS STORE FOR OUR WEDDING PRESENTS
>> LIST..."
>> Getting Married Jack, age 92, and Gill, age 89, are all excited about
>> their decision to get married.
>> They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass
>> a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in.
>> Jack addresses the man behind the counter:
>> "Are you the owner?"
>> The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
>> Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
>> Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
>> Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?"
>> Pharmacist: "All kinds"
>> Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
>> Pharmacist: "Definitely."
>> Jack: "How about suppositories?"
>> Pharmacist: "Yes"
>> Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"
>> Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
>> Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's
>> disease?"
>> Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
>> Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
>> Pharmacist: "We do..."
>> Jack: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and walking sticks?"
>> Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
>> Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?"
>> Pharmacist: "Yes."
>> JACK: "THEN WE'D LIKE TO USE THIS STORE FOR OUR WEDDING PRESENTS
>> LIST..."
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
A teacher was reminding her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class dissolved laughing.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said...
"Well, I would fully expect you to comolete the exam using your other hand".
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class dissolved laughing.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said...
"Well, I would fully expect you to comolete the exam using your other hand".
Yorkie
Player Valuation: £35m
My mates in a band called nine hundred and ninety nine megabytes.
They haven't got a Gig yet.
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
A kopite is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Hey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s been flickering for weeks now.”
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a Manweb logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so."
"Well, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Hotpoint written on my forehead? I don’t think so."
“Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They’re about to break."
"l’m not a damn carpenter and I don’t want to fix the steps," he yells. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough of you, I'm off down the ale house!"
So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours while he watches the match.
He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.
As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are fixed and the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey, how’d this all get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young Bluenose walked by asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake."
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Mary Berry written on my forehead?"
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a Manweb logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so."
"Well, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Hotpoint written on my forehead? I don’t think so."
“Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They’re about to break."
"l’m not a damn carpenter and I don’t want to fix the steps," he yells. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough of you, I'm off down the ale house!"
So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours while he watches the match.
He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.
As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are fixed and the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey, how’d this all get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young Bluenose walked by asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake."
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Mary Berry written on my forehead?"
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