Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
artetas sock
Player Valuation 10p
My mate saw the 'Wendy' tattoo on my nob and asked was it named after my wife?
I said no, when extended it says WelcomE to Barbados have a Nice DaY !!!
Religious joke alert!!!
No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.
The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: Hire a strapping young man.
While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you.
That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.' They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice.
They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi. 'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed.
Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them'. Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the same strapping young man.
The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel.
The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, 'You see that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!!'
No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.
The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: Hire a strapping young man.
While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you.
That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.' They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice.
They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi. 'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed.
Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them'. Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the same strapping young man.
The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel.
The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, 'You see that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!!'
orly
Please check with me for Blammo criteria
Expelliwowramus
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Two sister, one a blonde and one a brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It’s just 99 cents a word."
Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'”
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?" The brunette explains, "My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it slow."
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It’s just 99 cents a word."
Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'”
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?" The brunette explains, "My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it slow."
Fidel Castro dies and because he thinks he is so great he goes to heaven. Once past the gates though, Saint Peter stops him and throws him out being the the watchful eye he is. In hell, the devil meets castro and gives him a warm welcome and tells his demons to get Castro's bags and bring them to his room. Castro however forgot them in heaven and the demons promptly go to retrieve the bags. They get to heaven but the gates have already shut and the demons have to start climbing the fence to get the bags. 2 Angels see this occurring and one remarks "Man, Castro isn't in hell for 5 minutes and we're already getting refugees"
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
A male and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.
The male whale recognised it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to capsize and sink.
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
However, the whales realised the crew had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.
The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and swallow them up before they reach the shore."
At this point, he realised the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
‘Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow seamen."
The male whale recognised it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to capsize and sink.
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
However, the whales realised the crew had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.
The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and swallow them up before they reach the shore."
At this point, he realised the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
‘Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow seamen."
A man returns from the tropics feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, who immediately rushes
the man to the hospital to undergo tests. After the tests are completed, the man wakes up to the ringing
of a telephone in his private room at the hospital.
On the other end of the line, the doctor explains,
“We’ve received the results back from your tests. We’ve found that you have an extremely nasty STD
called G.A.S.H.E, which is a combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, herpes and Ebola.”
“Oh my god,” cries the man. “Doc! What am I going to do?”
“Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread.”
“Will that cure me?” asks the man curiously.
“Well no, but it’s the only food we can get under the door.”
the man to the hospital to undergo tests. After the tests are completed, the man wakes up to the ringing
of a telephone in his private room at the hospital.
On the other end of the line, the doctor explains,
“We’ve received the results back from your tests. We’ve found that you have an extremely nasty STD
called G.A.S.H.E, which is a combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, herpes and Ebola.”
“Oh my god,” cries the man. “Doc! What am I going to do?”
“Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread.”
“Will that cure me?” asks the man curiously.
“Well no, but it’s the only food we can get under the door.”
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
What do you call someone with no body and a nose ?
Nobody knows.
Nobody knows.
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
Just seen a French footballer playing on a Nintendo.
It was Thierry on Wii
It was Thierry on Wii
...this might be a bit unsavoury but a lad in the pub said Glen Campbell must have Alzheimer's because he gets 'cards and letters from people he doesn't even know'.
No offence to anybody who has that dreadful ailment.
No offence to anybody who has that dreadful ailment.
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