Joke thread

[monty]

STORY OF THE CHRISTMAS TREE


While eating at the dinner table the son asks his father, 'Dad, how many
kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three
Phases.
In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.
In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.

Onions??’
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how
many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through
three phases also.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.'


This was written by a sexist cow

 

[Whitebootman]

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet £10,000 on a single roll of the dice. And she adds, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I m completely nude."
With that she takes off everything but her necklace and rolls the dice while yelling, "Mama needs new clothes." Then she yells, "YES, YES, YES!! I WON, I WON, I WON."
She begins jumping up and down and hugging both of the dealers. Then she picks up her money and her clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll, anyway?"
The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching."

 

[heatmeiser]

We call my grandad 'Spiderman'.

He doesn't have any superpowers or anything, he just finds it difficult getting out of the bathtub.

 

[Enzo]

WARNING - Global Pandemic Threat!

The WHO (World Health Organisation) has today issued an urgent warning affecting anyone with non-essential travel plans to the North West of England. Travellers are advised to stay home for fear of the spread of a new virus which is quickly emerging as a global pandemic threat.

H1N20 (Heroes Once but Nothing in 20 years) Influenza, otherwise known as Scouse Flu has become the latest super bug to threaten civilisation as we know it.

Symptoms include irrational behaviour, rash (purchases), hallucinations (delusions of grandeur), and choking.

The first case was discovered when a panicked Spanish man was admitted to Liverpool’s Aintree Hospital complaining of ‘injuries’ which seemed to be related to having given his fortune away to a crippled Italian. It later transpired that he had also been suffering from watery eyes and a mistaken belief that he was the manager of a top 4 football club. At this point doctors became concerned and following a series of tests it was established that the man was inflicted with a new and deadly strain of influenza.

Since that first hospital admission, officials were placed on high alert and it was hoped that the disease may be restricted to a one-off case. But alas, further cases have since been discovered.

One of those inflicted, a Mr S Gerrard, said that he believes the virus may have been present in his system for some time before he realised something was wrong. “I have been feeling quite normal.” Mr Gerrard said. “But I started to suspect something was up when I began experiencing chronic choking. This became more frequent over time and then I started to realise some of things I had been taking for granted were simply figments of my imagination. For instance it occurred to me that if my football club has not won the league in 20 years, perhaps we are just a bunch of nobodies…”

Health officials in Europe have been warned to be on the look out for possible cases as it is feared that some Merseyside residents have been spotted suffering from severe choking episodes in Florence and Lyon. Residents in those cities are asked to remain vigilant and seek medical advice if they feel any signs of disillusionment.

Dr Scarlett Proboscis, medical expert at the University of Liverpool said today that “we think the virus is airborne and is spread through the eyes. We are hopeful that this may assist with its containment, given that most Scousers are pretty one eyed.” It is understood that a container load of eye patches are being freighted to the infected zone immediately to assist efforts to control the spread of the infection.

In the meantime, people inside the containment area are advised to stay in their homes and watch as much Serie A as they can until a cure is found.

From: dub dub dub dot in-the-back-of-the dot net

 

[monty]

THE UNDERTAKER'S BLACK EYE




Chico, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.




"What happened to you?" asked his girl.



"I had a terrible day." replied Chico. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I went up and sure enough there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."




"I see" said his partner, "but how did you get the black eye?"











Chico replied: "Wrong room.."

​

 

[Lisa]

STORY OF THE CHRISTMAS TREE


While eating at the dinner table the son asks his father, 'Dad, how many
kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three
Phases.
In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.
In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.

Onions??’
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how
many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through
three phases also.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.'


This was written by a sexist cow

 

[Lisa]

On their wedding night,

the young bride approached her new husband

and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.



This scenario was repeated each time they made love,


for more than 30 years, with him thinking

that it was a cute way for her to afford


new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.


Arriving home around noon one day,

she was surprised to find
her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes,


he explained that his employer was

going through a process of corporate downsizing,


and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59,

he'd be able to find another position

that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning,

and therefore, they were financially ruined.



Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book

which showed more than thirty years

of steady deposits and interest

totaling nearly $1 million.

Then she showed him

certificates of deposits


issued by the bank

which were worth over $2 million,
and informed him that they were

one of the largest depositors in the bank..


She explained that for the more than


three decades she had "charged" him for sex,

these holdings had multiplied
and these were the results

of her savings and investments.


Faced with evidence of cash and investments

worth over $3 million,

her husband was so astounded


he could barely speak, but
finally he found his voice and blurted out,

"If I'd had any idea what you were doing,

I would have given you all my business!"



That's when she shot him.


You know, sometimes,


men just don't know when

 

[monty]

On their wedding night,

the young bride approached her new husband

and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.



This scenario was repeated each time they made love,


for more than 30 years, with him thinking

that it was a cute way for her to afford


new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.


Arriving home around noon one day,

she was surprised to find
her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes,


he explained that his employer was

going through a process of corporate downsizing,


and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59,

he'd be able to find another position

that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning,

and therefore, they were financially ruined.



Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book

which showed more than thirty years

of steady deposits and interest

totaling nearly $1 million.

Then she showed him

certificates of deposits


issued by the bank

which were worth over $2 million,
and informed him that they were

one of the largest depositors in the bank..


She explained that for the more than


three decades she had "charged" him for sex,

these holdings had multiplied
and these were the results

of her savings and investments.


Faced with evidence of cash and investments

worth over $3 million,

her husband was so astounded


he could barely speak, but
finally he found his voice and blurted out,

"If I'd had any idea what you were doing,

I would have given you all my business!"



That's when she shot him.


You know, sometimes,


men just don't know when

Still got your UK sense of humour Lisa

 

[monty]

It was entertainment night at the Navy Centre.
Chico the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience.'


The excitement was almost electric as Chico withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat 'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations'.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the
watch...'

The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

'S**T!' exclaimed the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Navy Centre.

 

[NeoNaoNeo]

Liverpool FC

 

[monty]

Liverpool FC

ROTFL

 

[Lisa]

 

[Lisa]

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intraveno...us feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The pretty young nurse, just out of training, was rather astounded. She asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

 

[monty]

Some Rafael jokes to help the afternoon

Rafael Benitez is queuing in his local bank, when suddenly a gunman bursts in. Rafael attempts to tackle him but gets knocked over and he bangs his head knocking him out. The robber escapes and the cashier attempts to revive him. After a few minutes Rafael comes around and looks bewildered. His first words are "where am I". The cashier replies "don't worry, you're in the Nationwide". Rafael replies "**** me is it May already?"

Rafael is walking his dog down the road when suddenly a Genie jumps out in from of him and grants him one wish. Rafael says "I wish my dog Nando, could win Crufts". The genie looks down at the dog, noticing just three legs, one eye, no ears and half a tail. The Genie replies "I am not a miracle worker, make another wish". To which Rafael replies " Ok, make Liverpool win the Premiership". The Genie shook his head and said " Giz another look at that ******* dog"

Rafael has an appointment at The Vatican to meet The Pope. After an hours patient waiting it is Rafas' turn to be summoned to the pontiff. He duly beckons Rafael and says " Come forth". To which Rafael replied "Come fourth, we'll be lucky to finish in the top six"

 

[monty]

In a survey conducted earlier this week, 1,000 American blondes were asked if they would sleep with Tiger Woods.










89 per cent said: "never again".