What does a Scottish epileptic get for christmas?
A wii fit.
A wii fit.
Joke thread
- Thread starter monty
- Start date
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B
best little spaniard
Guest
A blonde walks into a bar.
Ouch
Ouch
Reidy's Bottle Of Grecian
The Unobstructed View
2 scousers and a spaniard are walking by the mersey
1 scouser says, " this seasons just about building"
2nd scouser says, " we'll walk the prem next season, we are a team to be feared"
the spaniard says, "thats right lads, if it weren't for all our injuries we'd have had this years title sown up by now"
1 scouser says, " this seasons just about building"
2nd scouser says, " we'll walk the prem next season, we are a team to be feared"
the spaniard says, "thats right lads, if it weren't for all our injuries we'd have had this years title sown up by now"
A man walked into a pet shop, placed a bomb on the counter, Said " You've got a 60 seconds to get out" , and legged it .
" You ba*&ard " , yelled a tortoise from the back of the store
" You ba*&ard " , yelled a tortoise from the back of the store
monty
Sack Sky and donate to GOT...donations are needed
Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally???
Ever wonder why?
It's because she smells like a new golf bag
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally???
Ever wonder why?
It's because she smells like a new golf bag
monty
Sack Sky and donate to GOT...donations are needed
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'
monty
Sack Sky and donate to GOT...donations are needed
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?
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The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.
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The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
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The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..
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That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
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The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
We can't tell you because you're not a monk.
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The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
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The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.
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The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for.. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
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The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk .
We shall now show you the way to the sound.
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The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
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The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?
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The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
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Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.
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The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...
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>...silver, topaz, and amethyst.
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Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door .
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The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight
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.. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
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DON'T SWEAR AT ME;
I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO STARTED THIS !
But I bet you send it on
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The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.
>
>
>
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
>
>
>
>
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..
>
>
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
>
>
>
>
>
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
We can't tell you because you're not a monk.
>
>
>
>
The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
>
The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.
>
> >
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for.. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
>
>
>
The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk .
We shall now show you the way to the sound.
>
>
>
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
>
>
>
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?
>
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
>
>
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.
>
>
>
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...
>
>
>
>...silver, topaz, and amethyst.
>
>
>
Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door .
>
>
>
>
>
The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
.. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
>
>
DON'T SWEAR AT ME;
I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO STARTED THIS !
But I bet you send it on
monty
Sack Sky and donate to GOT...donations are needed
Needs a bit of thinking about....
A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him, but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for £44."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for £44. How did you get to £58.50?"
He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is £11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50."
A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him, but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for £44."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for £44. How did you get to £58.50?"
He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is £11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50."
Two Irish blokes are out hunting in the woods when paddy says- 'Im busting for a poo but havent got anything to wipe my arse with'
Murphy says 'you've got a fiver, use that'
So paddy goes off for five minutes and comes back with s.hit all over his hands, clothes and on his trousers- Murphy says 'WHAT THE FUNK HAPPENED TO YOU?!'
Paddy says have you ever tried wiping your arse with 3 £1 coins, five 20ps and two 50p pieces?!!
Murphy says 'you've got a fiver, use that'
So paddy goes off for five minutes and comes back with s.hit all over his hands, clothes and on his trousers- Murphy says 'WHAT THE FUNK HAPPENED TO YOU?!'
Paddy says have you ever tried wiping your arse with 3 £1 coins, five 20ps and two 50p pieces?!!
monty
Sack Sky and donate to GOT...donations are needed
"Morning Sex"
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
Softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming
Or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then
Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen, table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
Her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
Softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming
Or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then
Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen, table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
Her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."
Mutzo Nutzo
Player Valuation: £70m
Monty...I remember this joke...it was first told to me by a mate back in 82....so I reckon he is the source....Oh and we gave him a good kickin after he told it, just for wasting our time....
Brought back some memories though
A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "You won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and we had sex over and over again. All the positions; everything!"
His friend replies, "That's great! Did you get a blowjob?"
"No, I couldn't find her head."
His friend replies, "That's great! Did you get a blowjob?"
"No, I couldn't find her head."
TX Bill
Player Valuation: £80m
monty
Sack Sky and donate to GOT...donations are needed
Mutzo, goes to show us old ones are the best mate
I cracked it at a weekend dinner party, extra long version, I was asked to leave
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