Joke thread

[heatmeiser]

An apple is walking down the street having just moved into a new neighbourhood.

He meets an orange on his way, "Hi, I just moved in round here, pleased to meet you."

"Hi," says the orange "Where abouts do you live?"

"Cross street." replies the apple. "How about you?"

"I'm not telling you," says the orange "You'll nick me f*cking washing!"

 

[TX Bill]

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."

 

[Dylan]

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, 'What are you doing?'
She answers, 'I'm moving to New York . I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you for free.'
A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he is going, he replies,
I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.

 

[Rich316]

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes." The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."
With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.
The man says, "I want two more of these."

 

[Rich316]

Q. What do you call an Ethiopian with a swollen toe?
A. A golf club

 

[Reidy's Bottle Of Grecian]

Q. what do you call a prostitute with a runny nose
A. full

 

[Rich316]

I hear they are getting rid of Mike Atherton as England cricket captain and appointing Paula Yates in his place?
Well who else has had such experience of [Poor language removed] the Aussies and bringing back the ashes.

 

[Walter Ego]

Two Dyslexic skiers on a mountain having a chat. All of a sudden a man whizzes past expertly flying down the slope.
"Jesus" says one, "Did you see that bloke zag zigging down then?"
"Dont you mean zig zagging?" replies his mate.
"No its zag zigging you tit!" says the first.
"Look" says his mate, "go and ask that bloke over there" and with that his friend skies over to ask the chap in question.
"excuse me mate" he says, " you know that bloke who came flying past a minute ago, was he zag zigging, or zig zagging?"
"Dont ask me mate" he replies "Im just a tobogonist"
" oh right" says the dyslexic skier, " I'll have 20 B&H then please!"

 

[Walter Ego]

horse goes into a bar
barman says, "So why the long face?"

 

[Walter Ego]

Gorilla goes into a bar and orders a pint of guiness. Barmans pouring his pint and while he's waiting for it to settle, he thinks to himself "Aye aye, I can make a few quid here." Once he finishes the pint he hands it the gorilla and says "That'll be five pounds please"
"£5 for the guiness?" replies the gorrilla
"Thats right" says the barman " A fiver"
"Ok" replies the gorilla and promptly pays up. Half an hour later he goes back and this time orders a pint of lager.
"Thats £5 please" says the barman again.
"A fiver for the lager too?" asks the gorilla.
"yup" replies the barman. The gorilla then takes a big swig of his pint and puts it back on the bar.
"Im not being funny" says the barman, "But you dont get many gorrillas in here"
"Im not suprised, Five pound a pint!" replies the gorilla in a gruff gorilla type fashion." have you got any crisps?"

 

[Walter Ego]

i made the bit about the crisps up myself, does it work?

 

[fozzy]

if you are an american when you walk in to the toilet and an american when you walk out what are you while you are in the toilet?






















youre a pee'in

 

[Welton Toffee]

What kind of bees make milk?




Boobies





YE MAR

 

[TX Bill]

Still loved the "Duck walks into a bar" joke.

 

[Dylan]

Man joke:

Q: A man runs over his wife. Whose fault is it?
A: The man, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.