Joke thread

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Scroll down and see Santa's cock!



























Act your [Poor language removed] age, 'THERE IS NO SANTA'

& why do you want to see his cock?



Wierdo!!!!!!!!!
 

36 inch DD breasts.
Covered in warm belgian chocolate.


1 inch erect nipples.
Pierced with gold nipple rings.
Topped with whipped cream.


Clean shaven minge.
Framed by an open crotch leather thong.


Moist salty clit.
Smothered in Blackberry jam.


This is not ordinary porn.





This is M & S porn
 
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a police officer pulls a man over on the motorway

policeman - ''sir, did you know your wife fell out of the car a mile back?''






.











.













.










driver - ''thank god for that, i thought i'd gone deaf"
 
While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You've gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."
 
A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was Churchill
>> famous for?'
>>
>> A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be
>> called Winston!'
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> --------------------------------------------------------------------------
>>
>>
>>
>> What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
>>
>>
>>
>> About 2.3 pounds including the urn.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> --------------------------------------------------------------------------
>>
>>
>>
>> What had 3 legs and lived on a farm?
>>
>> The McCartneys
>>
>> But really we shouldn't make fun of macca.. After all will he
>> ever find another woman to fill her shoe?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> --------------------------------------------------------------------------
>>
>>
>>
>> Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.
>> Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .
>> Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I
>> could fly a plane......
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> --------------------------------------------------------------------------
>>
>>
>>
>> A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says 'Show
>> me it's true what they say about black men'... So he stabbed her and
>> nicked her purse.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> --------------------------------------------------------------------------
>>
>>
>>
>> I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted
>> to me...
>>
>> 'Oi, what's your disability?'
>>
>> I said 'Tourettes! Now f--- off you ................
>>
>>
>>
>> --------------------------------------------------------------------------
>>
>>
>>
>> A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring
>> at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts
>> waving.
>>
>>
>> 'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks. 'Yes I think you are the
>> father of one of my kids' she says.
>>
>> The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and
>> says '[Poor language removed] hell are you the bird I shagged on me stag do, whilst
>> your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?'
>>
>> 'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> --------------------------------------------------------------------------
>>
>>
>>
>> I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of
>> bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' '
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> --------------------------------------------------------------------------
>>
>>
>>
>> What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?
>>
>> Shipman actually did something about NHS >> --------------------------------------------------------------------------
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees sister rose
>> washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her
>> onto the ground. As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.
>>
>>
>> 'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect. Arch your back
>> girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!'
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> --------------------------------------------------------------------------
>>
>>
>>
>> A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me
>> happy and sad at the same time'.
>>
>>
>> His wife replies 'You've got a bigger **** than your brother'
>>
>>

>>>> --------------------------------------------------------------------------
>>
>> Derry : )
>> >
>> >
>> > An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk,
>> when he comes
>> > upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
>> >
>> > He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps
>> into the
>> preacher.
>> >
>> > The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell
>> of alcohol,
>> > whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
>> >
>> > The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."
>> >
>> > So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
>> >
>> > He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found
>> Jesus?"
>> >
>> > The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus."
>> >
>> > The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water
>> again for a
>> > little longer.
>> >
>> > He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you
>> found Jesus
>> > me brother?"
>> >
>> > The drunk again answers, "No, oi I haven't found Jesus."
>> >
>> > By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the
>> drunk in the
>> > water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30
>> seconds and
>> when
>> > he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The
>> preacher again
>> asks
>> > the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to
>> the preacher,
>> > "Are you sure dis is where he fell in?"
>> >
>>
 

DO MEN REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?
>
>
>
> A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their
> bed.
>
>
> She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
>
>
> She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in
> front
> of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
>
>
>
> She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
>
>
> "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why
> are you down here at this time of night?"
>
>
>
> The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first
> met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember
> back
> then?" he says solemnly.
>
>
>
> The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so
> sensitive.
>
>
> "Yes, I do" she replies.
>
>
> The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
>
>
> "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
>
>
> "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
> him.
>
>
> The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
> face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail
> for
> 20 years?"
>
>
>
> "I remember that too" she replies softly.
>
>
> He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
>
>
>
> "I would have been released today."
 
The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified,
well-dressed, good-looking man in his late 40s or early 50's.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie", he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged
$5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars
and gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man
calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see
Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a
row -- too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still
$5,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went
upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded
that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they
went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been
with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "Boston."
"Really" she said. "I have family in Boston."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's
attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death

2 Taxes ....... and

3. Getting screwed by a lawyer
 
How do you know you are getting old

HOW TO KNOW WHEN YOU ARE GETTING OLD!.

Everything hurts! What doesn't hurt doesn't work,
The gleam in your eye is the sun shining on your bi-focals.
You feel like the morning after, but you haven't been anywhere.
Your children begin to look middleaged.

You join a health club, but you don't go.
A dripping tap causes an uncomfortable urge.
You have all the answeres, but nobody asks you the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You need glasses to find your glasses.

You turn out the light for economy instead of romance.
You are in a rocking chair, but you can't make it go.
Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
Your back goes out more than you do.

Your house is too big, your medicine box is not big enough.
You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of your candles.
 
For you French lovers

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings
from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole
the paintings and made it safely to his van. However,
he was captured only two blocks away when his van
ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime
and the make such an obvious error, he replied,

'Monsieur that is the reason I stole the paintings.



I had no Monet



to buy Degas



to make the Van Gogh



See if you have De Gaulle to send
this on to someone else.



I posted it for you because I figured I had
nothing Toulouse.
 
I love golf jokes and this is one of my favorites:


One morning, a man approached the first tee, only to find another guy approaching from the other side. They began talking and decided to play 9 holes together.
After teeing off, they sat off down the fairway, continuing their chat.

"What do you do?" the first man asked.

"I'm a salesman. What about you?"

"I'm a hitman for the mob," replied the second man.

The hitman noticed that the 1st guy started getting a little nervous and continued. "Yeah. I'm the highest paid guy in the business. I'm the best." He stopped, sat down his bag of clubs, and pulled out a fancy, high powered rifle that was loaded with all types of scopes and sights. He than asked the man where he lived.

Still nervous the man replied, "In a subdivision just west of here."

The hitman placed the gun against his shoulder, faced west, peered into a scope and asked "What color roof ya' got?"

"Gray."

Then he asked "What color siding?"

"Yellow."

"You got a silver Toyota?"

"Yeah," replied the first man who was now completely amazed by the accuracy of the hitman's equipment. "That's my wife's car."

"That your red pickup next to it?"

Looking baffled the man asked if he could look through the scope.

Looking through the sights, he said "Hell. That's my buddy Jeff's truck. What the hell is he doing there if I'm..?"

The hitman looked through the scope once more. "Your wife a blond?"

"Yeah."

"Your buddy got black hair?"

"Yeah!"

"Well, I don't know how to tell you, but I think you've got a problem. They're going at it like a couple of teenagers in there." said the hitman.

"Problem??! THEY'VE got the problem! I want you to shoot both of them! Right now!"

The hitman paused and said, "Sure. But it'll cost you. Like I said, I'm the best. I get paid $5,000 per shot."

"I don't care! Just do it! I want you to shoot her right in the head, then shoot him right in the groin!"

The hitman agreed, turned, and took firing position. He carefully stared into the sights, taking careful aim. He then said, "You know what buddy. This is your lucky day. I think I can save you $5,000!"
 

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the
first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign
attached that said:

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'



The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs
and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

They walked to the second pen which had a sign
attached that said:

''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'




The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said,
'That's more than twice a week! You could learn a
lot from him.'

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign
attached that said, in capital letters:

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'




The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke
her husband's ribs, said, 'That's once a day. You
could REALLY learn something from this one.'

The husband looked at her and said, 'Go over and
ask him if it was with the same old cow.'


The husband's condition has been upgraded from
critical to stable and he should eventually make a
full recovery.
 
Who wants tea? Daddy does!

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge.
I was maybe 1 and a half years old. Someone had
given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one
of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room
engrossed in the evening news and my brother was
playing nearby in the living room when I brought
Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for
such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her
wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup
of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!' My
Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the
hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him
drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you
that the only place that baby can reach to get water
is the toilet??'
 
40 THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK

40 THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying

10. Ahhhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a crap
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connections between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!?!

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your crybaby whiny opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person to you?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & I still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. Oh I get it...like humor...but different.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume...Must you really marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, and disorder...my work here is finally done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

40. Wait a minute --- I'm trying to imagine you with a personality
 
How to Handle a Husband

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.

People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple"

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona , and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."

"We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again.
Again my wife quietly said, "That's twice."

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you *%&#@$ crazy!?"

She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once."

And from that moment..... we have lived happily every after."
 
The story of Uncle Bob

The story of Uncle Bob

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't [Poor language removed] with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."
 

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