Joke thread

[monty]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"



The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've

ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"



The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

 

[monty]

A long time ago there was this little Italian boy in the fields with his dad. Looking at his dad's hands, the boy say's, "papa, you do many many things with your hands, tell me about your fingers."



"Well Tony," Papa said, "You see this first finger? You usea thisa one to pointata what evea you wanta. You see youa thumb? You usea thisa for turna pages in a book, and your ringa finger, you will use whena you get a married, and your little finga, you use to picka you nose. And the middle finga, well, I'lla tella you about thata one when you getta married."



Well, Tony was satisfied with that and time past. It was now Tony's wedding day. It was a beautiful wedding, just before the bride and groom left, Tony went to have a talk with Papa. Tony said, "Papa, many a year I use this finger to point at what I want, and I turna many a pages with my thumb, I've picked my nose with this little one, now I have a beautiful ring on my finger from the love of my life, but Papa, what is it I do with this middle finger?"



Papa drew close to Tony and said, "Tony tonight you will make mad hot love to your woman many times and you may become tired, when that happens and your woman turns to you again wanting to makea the love againa, that's when you takea your middle finga and you poka on her head and say, 'Go back to sleep you silly woman!'

 

[monty]

An Irish woman came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was VERY upset.



You're a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!



And Paddy (for it was he) replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened.



Fine, go ahead, she sobbed, but they'll be the last words you'll say to me !



And Paddy began:



Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.



She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.



So, out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.



Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.



Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.



I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.



I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at



the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them..."



Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued:



She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said



Please......... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?".......................................................

 

[monty]

Subject: Council House problem



We have a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run

by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs.


Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate,

but the police still do nothing.


Her bad tempered old man is always upsetting foreigners with racist
comments.


All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone

thought was gay.


Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in
nightclubs.


A shopkeeper blames the old man for the murder of his son and his

son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet.


The family's odd antics are always in the papers.


They are totally out of control.


Honestly - who'd live near Windsor Castle?

 

[monty]

When love dies..........

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became
aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her
back.
He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his
hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her
waist.
He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the
other.

His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.
His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped
and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to
better position herself.
The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.


'Why are you stopping darling?' she whispered.



He whispered back, 'I found the remote!'

 

[Ct jr.]

a bit of a change of subject:

What is the difference between a saloon and an elephant fart?

One is a barroom and the other is a BARROOM!

You hear about those lumber thieves down in British Columbia (part of canada), they snuk onto a farmers land and chopped down all of his trees. It is now 3 months later and police are STUMPED.

You hear about the goat who robbed the bank?
His name is Billy the Kid and he has a reputation as one baaaaaaaad goat!

 

[TX Bill]

a bit of a change of subject:

What is the difference between a saloon and an elephant fart?

One is a barroom and the other is a BARROOM!

You hear about those lumber thieves down in British Columbia (part of canada), they snuk onto a farmers land and chopped down all of his trees. It is now 3 months later and police are STUMPED.

You hear about the goat who robbed the bank?
His name is Billy the Kid and he has a reputation as one baaaaaaaad goat!

Danny or Dylan,

Take away 1,000,000 points for the above please.

Those were really bad.

 

[CanadaToffee]

Danny or Dylan,

Take away 1,000,000 points for the above please.

Those were really bad.

Agreed - and give them to me instead.



Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who sat in front of the fire?



...he melted.

*runs for cover from rotten tomato barrage

 

[Ct jr.]

Agreed - and give them to me instead.



Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who sat in front of the fire?



...he melted.

*runs for cover from rotten tomato barrage

You already said that one in this thread. tsk tsk tsk.

 

[monty]

Set traps its in the family

 

[Ct jr.]

all my vpoints as of now (as in like 21)
to whoever correctly answers this:
Johnny's father has three sons: Snap, Crackle, what is the third sons's name?

 

[zero]

Johnny!

 

[Piijt]

johnny..!

 

[Ct jr.]

Zero answered first but Pijt wins because employees are disqualified from all competitions!

 

[Piijt]

Johnny!

Excellent use of the edit button there Zero.