Joke thread

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Manchester City ahead after 3 minutes already. :@

(can't be arsed to go to World Football)

still time for an upset.
 
Lisa said:
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Awesome Lisa I knew we were getting dumped on now I know.(y):lol:
 
This may have been posted before:

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:


1)Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the [Poor language removed] out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for this is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God
 
I was driving along earlier when some **** smashed into the back of me at 60mph.

I got out of the car and saw that my rear end was smashed to pieces. The smug git got out of his 4X4 and shouted, "What the hell did you brake for?"

So I fell to my knees, pointed at the boot and screamed, "My girlfriend was in the boot, you killed her!"

He look shocked and started trembling. I felt like I'd really wiped the smile off his face, but then he started screaming and crying hysterically. I started to feel a bit bad, so I went to comfort him. I opened the boot and said, "Look mate, I was only joking. You can clearly see, she's been dead weeks, you didn't kill her.
 
A Catholic Priest feels like he is need of a holiday, but there's no priest availlable to replace him during his desired break. So he asks the gray if he prepared to take over his duties while he's away.

The gray answers that he doesn't know what to do and feels he isn't qualified to replace the Priest. The Priest answers: "Don't worry about a thing, you've been my right hand for a long time now, so I'm sure you will do just fine."

The gray tries to counter and says: "But what if I have to take a confession, I won't know what to do do?" The Priest answers that there is a list with all punishments for every sin committed.

So the first day in replacing the priest, a man comes into the church and wants to make a confession. He admits to have wanked while watching porn on the television. The gray looks on the list, but can't find the correct punishment and decides to see the acolytes. When he finds them he asks the question: "what do you get from the Priest for wanking?" The acolytes reply: "Normally a Mars or a Snickers."
 
paddy arrives for his first day at work at the building site.

Some time later, The foreman asks him to make the tea.

'Paddy' he says, can you drive a fork lift ?

'Why' asks Paddy, 'how big's the farking tea pot' ?
 
The woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One evening, he came to and motioned her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You’ve been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you stood by me. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you were there. When my health started failing, you never left me. You know what?”

“What, dear?” she gently asked, her heart filled with warmth.

“You’re really bad luck.”
 
Joe, Bill, Tom, and Sam had a standing tee time every Saturday morning. They were all good friends and had been doing this for years. Unfortunately, Joe had this bad habit, that after hearing a bad story, would always say, "Well it could have been worse."

This irritated Bill, Tom, & Sam to no end. So much so that they decided to get back at him. They decided that they'd concoct a story so bad that there would be no way that Joe could say, "Well, it could have been worse."

So the next Saturday, they all meet for a bit of breakfast before heading to the tee box. As they await their turn on the tee, Bill nods to Sam.

Sam says, "Hey, did you hear about Frank?" "No" they said. "Yeah, well apparently he came home early from work yesterday and caught his wife in bed with another man."

"That's terrible" Bill said.

"That isn't even the half of it," said Sam. "He ended up pulling a gun and whacked them both before turning the gun on himself." Tom and Sam, almost in unison chimed "That's awful."

Well Joe finally pipes up and says, "Yeah, that is awful....but you know it could have been worse."

Sam almost explodes with rage and says, "How in the heck could that have been worse ?!?!"

Joe replies, "Well if that had happened last week, I'd be dead right now."
 
Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar. He didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one. 'I sure do,' he replied while he reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12-inch Bic lighter.

'Wow!' said his friend, 'Where did you get that monster lighter?'

'I got it from my genie.'

'You have a genie?'

'Yes, right here in my golf bag.'

'Could I see him?'

He opens his golf bag and out pops a genie. The friend asks the genie, 'Since, I'm a good friend of your master, will you grant me one wish?'

'Yes I will'' the genie replies.

The friend asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there, waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.

The friend tells his golfing partner, 'I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

He answers,'I forgot to tell you that the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?'
 
Joe was teeing off from the back tees. On his downswing, he noticed his wife, Mary, was teeing up her ball at the red tees, directly in his path. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed his tee shot, hit Mary right in the temple, killing her instantly.

A few days later, he recieved a call from the coroner concerning her autopsy.

"Joe, your wife died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit her in the temple with a golf ball, correct?"

"Yes sir, thats correct" Joe replied.

"Well Joe, I found a large bruise on her left hip too. Do you know anything about that?"

"Yes sir", Joe replied. "That would have been my mulligan."
 
Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they strike up a conversation

The black Lab turns to the chocolate Lab and says , 'So why are you here?'

The brown Lab replies, 'I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed.'

The black Lab says , 'So what is the vet going to do?'

'Gonna cut my nuts off,' comes the reply from the chocolate Lab. 'They reckon it'll calm me down.'

The black Lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks , Why are you here?'

The yellow Lab says , 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.

But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners couch.'

'So what a re they going to do to you?' the black Lab inquires .

'Looks like I'm losing my nuts too', the dejected yellow Lab says

The yellow Lab then turns to the black Lab and asks ,'Why are you here?'

'I'm a humper,' the black Lab says. 'I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see.

Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away'

The yellow and chocolate Labs exchange a sad glance and say, 'So, nuts off for you too, huh?'

The black Lab says ....'No, I'm here to get my nails clipped.
 
I saw on the news the other day that there had been a fire at the homeless shelter and it burned down.

I thought: "What are they NOW... homelesser?!"

I'm joking! ...They were trapped inside, they're all dead.
 
Kid starts work in a record shop in London . Merseysider comes in and asks ,
" Have you got anything by The Doors ??? "
Worker says , " Yes . Two fukn security guards , so don't even think about it , you thieving Scouse get !!! "

I than' yo' .
 
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