Great post mate and as you say you can only post from your own experience. I wouldn't disagree that you are likely to see a vairent of service provision and different businesses models either private or public.The process of entering long term care can be a multifaceted one, based on the financial process, care need, availability, emotional transition and availability - all contribute often to the world wind you describe that really only scratches the service. Your experience will be guided about how any one of those those facets personally incapacitated and it can be subjective.
I do live and practice in Ireland but i attended University, trained and lived in the UK and worked under the NHS and local health care provision in different areas in different parts of the Uk, so would be very familiar with the NHS model, ive worked abroad to - in the States, Australia and NZ. So i take an active interest as being familiar with local health care services and have many friends and colleagues still in these places.
Im currently practicing in a specific specialist area of medicine now, but attached to the acute Unit i work in, is 120 bed residential care unit for the long term care of older people. The average prognosis in that setting would be higher then 12-18 months on average and their is a huge richness to be achieved in that time frame in my opinion if you can work with people within the limits of their comorbidity's - that is not to say people dont have EOL needs and care there, but it would be nothing like the stats you mention, in my experience currently or historically in the Uk - maybe its changed it has been a number of years. Im not correcting you, perhaps there is a piece of research that needs to be done in regard to economics and health care outcomes in residential care for older people and measured against equity of service provision - if that is the case that is horrid, but perhaps that is the variable as opposed t the universality of all out comes.
Its an exciting time and liberating time for older people, their is growing awareness of the rights of older a people, abuse and legislation around preserving the rights of older people even in limited capacity. Perhaps your experience was a number of years ago on the DNR, it does sound like iffy practice that i would be concerned about, as would threatening around acute intervention if you did not comply and sign - very worrying. Hopefully things have moved on from then. When i was training in the UK - they were significantly ahead of the game in the care of older people, medicine and rights. Its sad to hear that maybe they haven't progressed beyond that appex in your experience - it was very inspirational at the time.
Sounds like you and your wife have had and have lots going on, the very best to your wife sounds like a tough station for you both at the moment and really hope you both come through as best you can, both from a personal health point of view and learning how to live with grief. Hope you both stay safe and well mate.