Everton v Luton Town Preview

Well I wasn’t expecting that, was you?

I’m going to attempt a preview with minimal caveats as when good things happen to Everton, and fuck that’s a rarity, it’s a surefire harbinger of absolute ruin unless you pay your dues to the Gods Of Spite by every time you say something nice about Everton caveating it with how much it’s all gonna go to shit now. It’s just hugely more beneficial, healthier to live in the moment. And if that moment is shit then ignore the moment. Not quite a meditation principle but quite frankly dear reader I’d back Everton to turn the Dalai Lama into a foul mouthed bucket of dar fume within half a season of his attempting to support us.

Brentford was unexpected and pleasant as Everton showed something they’ve been lacking will need to somehow fend off relegation for a third time this season, character. The Bees (nickname alert) equalised and then had a spell before half time where I was expecting Everton to just collapse and take the feeble exit. Then Everton brushed themselves down at half time and came out confidently on the front foot second half to collect their three points in a nonchalant manner. So surely it couldn’t come to pass that two consecutive away performances could happen, most wrote off away at Villa as superfluous to put all eyes on Goodison v Luton.

How wrong we were. Everton turned up against the Villains where left off against the Bees and just casually swatted the opposition off through controlled, assured football. I can’t even fucking believe I’m using those terms about Everton right now, but it defo happened. For a moment I felt like Brooks being let out of the oppressive gates that had held him hostage for too long and feeling confused about the notions of joy and freedom. What were these emotions? I promised not to caveat so we won’t talk about how that ended for Brooks but fucking hell if you can’t enjoy Everton wins then what’s the point? The packed away end, in both games didn’t need a second invitation to embrace Everton doing good shit. How nice is it when someone else is fuming and we’re not? Go and study that Emery you creepy Hammer Horror fuck, our gravel voice scotch egg just out witted you using Michael Keane as a fucking libero.

All attention then on the next two games before the international break, two kinder home games that Everton have to really go for if they want to amass enough points to at least survive another season. Not quite six pointer territory but seemingly those who run Everton have went for a 33 game season this year so the margins of error and opportunity are narrowing already.

It’s a welcome return to the top flight for Luton Town. A club we have enjoyed some tussles with during times of pleasant Evertons and another club representative of their community with parochial support that we do enjoy in this foul, fan exploiting sportswashing fuck of a league. If you’re a Hatters (!!!) fan unfortunate enough to be reading this then we’re sorry it happened on our watch but nearly everyone else in the league turned into self serving hysteria ridden banter bellends. You’ve got a clean sheet so do us a favour and try not to ruin that by singing cringy songs about poverty and shell suits as 1) no one’s arsed and 2) just watch the game lads.

As a sign of goodwill I’m gonna give them the benefit of the doubt in this preview. Usually this is the place I’d go into a satirical diatribe about their club, fans, absent local culture, try hard nature and complete absence of personal hygiene or relevance. And trust me the temptation was really high when somehow you produced Tommy Robinson out of your gathering, but then we’ve produced Nadine Dorries and that fat tit who does the shit impressions for a bet company.

There’s always a worry with that gaping chasm between London and Birmingham producing who towns of identity-less over-compensators. Coming from somewhere not particularly well known shouldn’t mean you have to leave some form of impact so you feel seen. Personally I feel its loads better to invisible than visible as you can just get on with your shit and live a frictionless life. If you haven’t worked that out yet then good luck with your adult journey so you do reach that place. Instead, all them satellite towns and cities between the largest two cities on this island can produce places of same haircuts and clothes and words and behaviours, with requisite overcompensation, trying way way too hard to be noticed, seen, feared, respected, lusted, in an uncomfortable yearning of tribe. Sneering at others because they feel all insecure inside. Give yourself permission to be your innate imperfect self. Just be you, mate. Wonder how they will feel about me writing that when they come to Liverpool and find Montirex, 110s and being called lad every sentence. Don’t worry yours will all be doing it in ten years, lad.

Despite all of this I have faith in Luton fans to be alright. They’re likely to be competing with us this season to be marginally less shit than the three shittest clubs in the league, but that doesn’t mean they have to force a rivalry. Welcome to Goodison again.

We’re in the curious position of not knowing what set-up Sean Dyche will opt for, his tactical agility is such. If you forced me to guess I would say he will revert to four at the back for this. Which would means probably Beto up front (as he only played 30 mins midweek) and McNeil, Doucoure and Danjuma behind and around him. Or Garner on the right just for the 2pm fume. Garner belongs in the middle though as does Onana next to him, but Gana Gueye will play probably.

At the back it will be Tarkowski and Branthwaite in the centre. Does anyone know why Mykolenko went off at half time? Maybe him, Young at full back. Patterson played alright in the cup which gives some promise and hopefully will give some food for thought on rushing to jump to a definite conclusion about a footballer being good enough or not after five games, even more so if it’s a young player. Pickford in goal. He hasn’t fucked up for a while has he? side glance from Gods Of Spite

Both teams will be earmarking this game as a potential win and both desperate for it after poor starts to the season. Everton having home advantage and with a little bit of momentum hopefully giving a marginal gain. I won’t get too carried away by two wins just as I don’t get carried away by two defeats. And yet despite Everton I’m still optimistic about Everton.

A cursory glance at the fixtures ahead show the need to grab maximum points so when the wolves (the pack animal, not the shit team who have already beaten us at Goodison this season) come to the door, and they always come to the door, that Everton have enough self belief to fend them off and enable an Everton Manager to stay at the club for more than 11 months. Sure our benchmarking bar may be low but every great journey starts with a small step.

When I’m writing shite that you’d find on your auntie’s fridge like that last bit there then it’s time to end the preview. I was made up to see Evertonians really enjoy themselves twice this week already, make it a fucking third.

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