Do one Everton. Go head and just do one. This is a one-way relationship, this thing of ours. I want more. You’re holding me back from my weekends, and cold December Wednesday evenings. Do you even care?

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Only a defeat to the tigers (for that read: scruffs) of Hull can invoke a such depth of emotion in us that our partners could ever dream of.

But hang on it wasn’t even a defeat was it?

Felt like one and certainly sounded like one as the ethernet of Everton buzzed with indignation and some sheer anger. It also spawned the first ‘should Roberto be fired poll’ on our forum, although pipe down those at the back as it was satire of the ones who usually do it but for real. Although some did vote yes, sadly.

So a mere six nights after beating Wolfsburg on their own turf and winning our European group with a game left we found ourselves at probably the season’s lowest moment. How did that happen? How did we arrive to that point?

Read on to not find any insight to how whatsoever, but to at least to feel superior to our next opposition.

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Or just call them the meffiest earring wearing hanks this side of the Arctic.

Because that means Man City (SITTAH!) are up against our better shade of blue. And won’t you just look at them sat there all dandy with their ace soccerballers del mundo! Big YAYS as Youre Toure slaloms forward feeding David Silva. DAVID MOTHEREFFING SILVA EVERYONE. In da house! Oh hang on the little bi-sexual Ewok has just beat two men and fed Sergio Aguero. SERGIO F’ING AGUERO PLAYS FOR MY TEAM F THE WORLD AND EVERY ONE ONE OF YOUR NANNAS HE IS ALL OURS.

But are they really all yours? Or just there because you’re paying them more than a human should ever be paid for kicking a football? Sure, the same applies to those we payroll but we have a different level of melt. And does it feel good? Really good? Do you feel the kinship between player and club? Can you name them one to eleven with your heart thumping thirty years later knowing that they we’re so so proud of Man City?

Or will you reserve such misty eyed sentiment for Goater and Kinkladze? I know where my money is behind.

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Words of folly for many defo. I mean it’s success at all costs isn’t it? Want to see Everton lift a league title again in your lifetime boy? Girl? Superstar DJ? Then you best hope we get bought out by someone pure minted and they bankroll us to super glory. Then you can wear your replica shirt on holiday and tacky oversized EVERTON CHAMPIONZ tattoo. Then you’ll feel morally superior. Feel the admiring and envious eyes of Newcastle. Villa fans glaring. But you the man. Everton fans?

Not for me like. But nice one for beating us at Goodison and denying the kopites the league title. We owe you for that.

So we will start repaying that debt by pointing out how much you need to pay a little more attention to what you’re wearing. And that you should listen a bit more before you speak. You’re too eager to engage in “the banter” and to be honest it just marks you out as a tit. There’s some of you that we like, the ones who have suffered and are enjoying it in a sound manner. Good on you like, but there’s a too large majority of you that do Man City a disservice.

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A hint of Neymar and there was Poznans. Seriously? Then we noticed a load of you started becoming overly obnoxious. For what like? Because you won a league title? The same bellend behaviour that you criticised United for? So sort it out. You’re missing out a great opportunity to be a working-class-hero-come-rich-here, but in a plucky manner. Soz abar us getting rich there. But you know, it’s still us. And would you rather it was United, or Arsenal, or Chelsea? Or Liverpool?

So onto that calibre of clothing thing. Listen it’s bad enough having to leave Liverpool to commute forty miles down the road to your industrial city. As soon as we hit the bridge by St Helen’s we can notice things deteriorate. Kids with shaven heads but a fringe at the front. Trackie bottoms and checked shirts. Then up Wigan hits us next and it’s a whole level of Great Universal gone wrong. Then it’s way downhill before we hit the epicentre of meff in Manchester.

So imagine we have to tolerate that and go the game then we hear your accent, it’s a drawl. It’s two tone only. And words with only two syllables maximum. It’s assault on our senses. So can you do us a favour and tell your folk not to engage with us, even eye contact isn’t welcomed either. And get a wash. And shave that muzzy off, although it must be stated that the hipster movement of late allows you to camouflage back into modern days with your attire and facial hair.

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Salford is way ahead of you. Same as you’ll always find better trabs in North Liverpool than South. The south end is too dependent on Nike. But Manchester’s into LA Gear.

So onto the players. You know them all because the media works themselves into a frenzy most weekends over them. Placade after placade. And justified for some too. Silva – who I think is out for this – is a beautiful player. A good as you can wish for in that position. Kompany (who also may be out) doesn’t get the credit he deserves as one of the finest centre halves you’re likely to see, and one of the rare ones that evidentially cares about the club.

Toure is boss but his all round bellwhiffness prevents me from getting too happy over him. Take your pick really, what can I tell you about them? Exactly, so we won’t be studying their players or potential formations. They’ll put a really talented team out. How much do you want it Everton? Having this?

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Pellegrini tokes more than a terraced house in Birkenhead. His skin is finished as an organ. It’s just dripping off his bones, Those eyes have seen some bad things too. Is he any good? He’s meant to be like but are any of them around as good at Mourinho? So you’re playing for best of the rest ultimately. There’s some things money can’t buy. Well, unless you’re offering Mourinho pure space beak (bursts through house wall) mined from Mars. If such a thing exists. And if Mourinho likes beak.

Do you even want me to cover Everton either? Not much enthusiasm there but in time you’ll learn to love them again. Or at the least build up a passable intolerance to them.

Lukaku’s game isn’t tight really but he scores. Him up front on his own isn’t the long term, or defo not the short term, answer so we need to find a way around it. He isn’t a target man as he can’t hold up the ball well. I don’t think that’s gonna change overnight despite Duncan Ferguson’s best coaching. He often looks isolated and without support so we need to either tell whoever is playing in the role behind him to push on a lot higher or put someone up front alongside him, especially against teams who are gonna sit deep against us. Which is 85% of the Premier League. At one stage in the second half Barkley was making neat passes in the centre circle while Hull just happily let him sit in front of them where he can’t cause them damage.

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Is Naismith ready yet? Periods of adversity tend to elevate missing players as saviours. Barkley was desperately missed at the beginning of the season for example, just what we needed to kick on. Then he returned. Well in Naismith at making his absence noticeable by the way. Or maybe Martinez will start Eto’o? Will it even matter?

Barry came back for the past two games and has been largely turd. Hope he picks it up. It’s evident that Besic is a player learning the Premier League but I’ve seen enough to know that when he nails it he is going to be one ace player for us, just hope it happens dead soon. Or McCarthy finds an arl Oriental guy with a steaming potion and magic hands. Darron Gibson? No I don’t know either.

Our defence has been replaced by an actual dog this season, and it hurts. Jagielka and Distin just aint as tight as it once was, and understandable with age. Our full backs have been really reserved in the last few games too, not causing the carnage of which they’re so capable of.

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I just pressed enter for a new paragraph and dearly don’t want to dedicate one alone to Tim Howard, but I probably could. He’s been a comfortable consistence for us for a number of years and that shouldn’t be forgotten. Sure he doesn’t really have the oft match winning qualities of a top keeper that wins you points alone and is prone to letting a thirty yard shot fly over his head but on the whole he’s kept a sound enough net. For a team in our position it’s been a decent enough fit. Like a relationship where you’d like more ready filth in the morning out of the blue but overall it’s not so bad, the suzzies get lashed on (her not you) after a bottle and a half of wine. Those moments sustain. Where am I going with this? Typing 200 words to say Howard has been crap lately and he needs to either buck up or that Spanish lad with too many teeth be given a go. Or buy someone else as we really need a boss keeper.

So that concludes this years preview of Manchester City away, unless we draw them in the FA Cup which always does your head in as you’d rather a smelly little town down south to rip.

Can’t see anything good coming from this fixture but that very non-expectation coupled with the players knowing they’re in our bad books could create a potent recipe. Go head Everton.

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They say it’s the hope don’t they?

Right into these Everton, we’ll always be understanding if you at least give us that.