We need to knock up Aldofest t-shirts y'know.
The Secret Diary of Aldo Aged 61 1/2
- Thread starter Yarrgh
- Start date
- Status
Yarrgh
Player Valuation: £80m
That reminds me what has Kenny got printed on the shirts?
No bootlegs you. Yer blocked! Nugget.
canuckblue
Player Valuation: £50m
Replete with Purple Aki and a strategically placed barometer.
tommye
Player Valuation: £120m
Sponsored by Special Brew
You can almost hear it echoing round the ground next Derby “you’re goin home in a st Jordan’s ambulance”
Yarrgh
Player Valuation: £80m
13/04/20
5:15am I'm wired. I looked in the mirror and saw the face of Andrew Robertson looking back at me. What was in that stuff Jurgen gave me? I feel terrible and crave that high.
7:00am can't face breakfast. Tell our Joan that after being at the Lisbon all night I can't face another sausage. She runs off crying. I look rough, maybe she thinks I caught the fru off Kenny.
9:00am Hit the streets trying to find Jurgen, but meet Sadio whose keeping fit by running ultra marathons because he can't stop moving after falling in Jurgen's magic potion as a child. Just like Obelix I shout! Who is Asterisk? He looks sad and says the league title. You quitter Sadio, bullets in the post for you lad.
10:00am Next up I find Barnsey in his tights. It's a bit early for those shenanigans lad - he's practicing for the Rushtlemania event so ironically it now turns out his transvestism has turned out uber macho. Which explains those lads last night at the Lisbon I suppose.
11:00am James Milner is absolutely catatonic in a bus stop. He looks rough. Since lockdown and no footy he's been going cold turkey on the old speziale brau because it's being sold off to Belarus runaway leaders FC TORPEDO-BELAZ ZHODINO.
He tells me to stay off this junk. I'm worried but I'm clucking like a pigeon.
2:00pm Jurgen gets in touch on the phone. Ja fun boy, of course I have more. But I have a tiny request. I need to get an ambulance to take my brau to the customer ja? When do you need it? Friday?! Ok. Just get it me. The relief when I glug it.
3:00pm Had a can of special brau and am back on top of the world. ALDOFEST!
4:00pm Think big? Who's a fit muscular man in their prime like me who is at a loose end at the moment and might be free for a game of football?
4:10pm tweet Prince Andrew and he says no sweat! Light the pyros redmen this is about to blow!
5:00pm Disaster! Bill Beaumont has twisted his ankle practising playing football in high heels. I guess he's only used to playing with a rugby ball. Recovery! He's going to do a Q&A with Sue Barker about Question of Sport. Actually sounds dull but I'm too high to care, say it sounds brilliant and tell him he's on between the wrestling and footie.
6:00pm Sir Elton is on the tv calling Andy Carroll a yellow bellied snake in the grass. Or it could be an old John Wayne movie as I'm too high to care.
7:00pm sick all over the carpet in the front room. Mop it up, but now it stinks of Sammy Lee's wee and my sick. Joan says she has had enough and is off to stay at her sister's for the week. As Purps said, it'd be hard all the time living with me.
8:00pm That actually was Sir Elton. Ant and Dec have waded in for Andy C. Jeremy Clarkson has rocked up for Sir Elton in probably the least surprising twist of day. Jeremies Hunt, Kyle and Corbyn have then jumped into form the 4 Jeremies of the Apocalypse.
9:00pm John Henry and sky have sorted it out as pay per view. More money for charity! Have we even sorted out an actual charity? John Henry assures me it will go to the greedy. I think he meant needy.
10:00pm I've not slept for nearly 2 days. I'm still buzzing on the speziale brau and wonder how it will mix with English special brew.
10:30pm The experiment works! I might go have another few tins of ale
11:00pm experiment over. Head in the big being ill.
4:00am Got training in 6 hours with Jurgen for the big match. I feel dreadful.
5:15am I'm wired. I looked in the mirror and saw the face of Andrew Robertson looking back at me. What was in that stuff Jurgen gave me? I feel terrible and crave that high.
7:00am can't face breakfast. Tell our Joan that after being at the Lisbon all night I can't face another sausage. She runs off crying. I look rough, maybe she thinks I caught the fru off Kenny.
9:00am Hit the streets trying to find Jurgen, but meet Sadio whose keeping fit by running ultra marathons because he can't stop moving after falling in Jurgen's magic potion as a child. Just like Obelix I shout! Who is Asterisk? He looks sad and says the league title. You quitter Sadio, bullets in the post for you lad.
10:00am Next up I find Barnsey in his tights. It's a bit early for those shenanigans lad - he's practicing for the Rushtlemania event so ironically it now turns out his transvestism has turned out uber macho. Which explains those lads last night at the Lisbon I suppose.
11:00am James Milner is absolutely catatonic in a bus stop. He looks rough. Since lockdown and no footy he's been going cold turkey on the old speziale brau because it's being sold off to Belarus runaway leaders FC TORPEDO-BELAZ ZHODINO.
He tells me to stay off this junk. I'm worried but I'm clucking like a pigeon.
2:00pm Jurgen gets in touch on the phone. Ja fun boy, of course I have more. But I have a tiny request. I need to get an ambulance to take my brau to the customer ja? When do you need it? Friday?! Ok. Just get it me. The relief when I glug it.
3:00pm Had a can of special brau and am back on top of the world. ALDOFEST!
4:00pm Think big? Who's a fit muscular man in their prime like me who is at a loose end at the moment and might be free for a game of football?
4:10pm tweet Prince Andrew and he says no sweat! Light the pyros redmen this is about to blow!
5:00pm Disaster! Bill Beaumont has twisted his ankle practising playing football in high heels. I guess he's only used to playing with a rugby ball. Recovery! He's going to do a Q&A with Sue Barker about Question of Sport. Actually sounds dull but I'm too high to care, say it sounds brilliant and tell him he's on between the wrestling and footie.
6:00pm Sir Elton is on the tv calling Andy Carroll a yellow bellied snake in the grass. Or it could be an old John Wayne movie as I'm too high to care.
7:00pm sick all over the carpet in the front room. Mop it up, but now it stinks of Sammy Lee's wee and my sick. Joan says she has had enough and is off to stay at her sister's for the week. As Purps said, it'd be hard all the time living with me.
8:00pm That actually was Sir Elton. Ant and Dec have waded in for Andy C. Jeremy Clarkson has rocked up for Sir Elton in probably the least surprising twist of day. Jeremies Hunt, Kyle and Corbyn have then jumped into form the 4 Jeremies of the Apocalypse.
9:00pm John Henry and sky have sorted it out as pay per view. More money for charity! Have we even sorted out an actual charity? John Henry assures me it will go to the greedy. I think he meant needy.
10:00pm I've not slept for nearly 2 days. I'm still buzzing on the speziale brau and wonder how it will mix with English special brew.
10:30pm The experiment works! I might go have another few tins of ale
11:00pm experiment over. Head in the big being ill.
4:00am Got training in 6 hours with Jurgen for the big match. I feel dreadful.
Diogenes the Cynic
Player Valuation: £40m
Love our ball boys to be calling Klopp fun boy next season.
helpimonfire
Player Valuation: £35m
Only found this thread this morning.
Pure class, cannot stop laughing.
Stick it in a book as it is brilliant.
Pure class, cannot stop laughing.
Stick it in a book as it is brilliant.
He tells me to stay off this junk. I'm worried but I'm clucking like a pigeon.
lol lol lol
lol lol lol
THE 4 JEREMIES OF THE APOCALYPSE lol lol lol
TGW89
Player Valuation: £35m
Looks like he's tried to draw a one over the zero. Either it's been moved to next year like the euros, or he's trying to cover his nought.... can't blame him after what "Purple Nathan" and the barometer did XD
Yarrgh
Player Valuation: £80m
14/04/20
9:45am Rock up to Melwood. Feel a wreck but at least I didn't have to change as I slept in my full kit. No Joan to tell me to change into my jimjams. I say slept, but all I was doing was tossing in the bed. Joan said I was always a tosser. Maybe she was right.
10:00am The players assembled would boggle your mind! Everyone a leg end.
GK: Spaghetti Legs.
RB: Jase the Ace McAteer
CB: Torben Picnic
CB: Big Razor Ruddock
LB: Flo Joe Flannagan (I thought he'd be in Rushtlemania but he won't lift his hands against anyone bigger than himself).
MF: Bad Boy Barnsey!
MF: Dan the man Murphy
MF: Chop Souey
MF: Djimi Traore (how hell did he get in?)
ST: SD, Silent but Deadly Sean Dundee!
ST: Super, super John, Super Super John, Super Johnny Aldridge! Get in!
We all get our speziale brau down our necks and Der Kaiser has us getting our ubergugenheimpress heavymetaller football going. I vant to see der energy in the manschaft ja!
What can I say? It's like magic. We're running around like a bunch of Sadio Manes.Neil Ruddock is like seeing an elephant in a ballerina skirt being shot out of a canon. Such grace and speed! To be fair, SD and me up front are solid gold. SD keeps laying the ball back to me off his shins - and blammo the Aldo scores! Everyone is doing well apart from Djimi - what a plank!
11:00am Raze is flagging now. He looks like a fountain with all the sweat pouring off him. If there was an old Chinese fella, I'd push him into Raze! Take that Chinese fru! Barnsey is also blowing out his ar5e - even Murphy is having a go at him. Danny Murphy spent his entire career at the highest level with us, he knows about standards - you can tell by his continuous insightful comments on tv that he's not a man to mess with.
12:00pm Lunch at Melwood! Raze is devouring the pizza and chips. Get stuck in lad. McAteer has got the staff in pieces with his gags. Keep something back for the game Jase! Even Picnic is getting back into the swing of things. We all have to keep 2 metres away. Jurgen shows us what this is by using Raze's belt. Oof!
12:30pm Vell done Fun boys! Wunderbah! Come back tomorrow fur skill practice. Ja? I think ve vill beat those scheisecelebs.
2:00pm I've really equalised on the speziale brau now. Feel good. I wonder who has turned up in the celeb team? Ring up John Henry. He says it's amazing. People are queuing up to get into the team. Can I guess? Who could possibly guess? What a line up we could have! It'll be top secret until the day of the match. Talk about suspense!
3:00pm Talked to our Joan on the phone whilst she's at her sister's house. Tell her to come back. I am in deep training and everything will be back like it was in the glory days. Back when our John John and Juan John were little. Brilliant she says. What about Nathan from Bournemouth. I say Jurgen is training me and I have no need for him now. What about the greased up sessions? I say Jurgen wants to get us pumped up competely dry. She says she has to think about it.
4:00pm Apparently Ian Rush and Prince Andrew are getting on like a house on fire. They have really similar interests! Probably bigger in the 80's and both not the prince of wales that they thought they should be.
6:00pm Slippy rings up to confirm am I still on for Friday evening. I guess. Can I have any details? No. But apparenly Emile Heskey will be there. Talk about bringing out the big guns there! What can he want.
7:00pm Kenny is still not showing any symptoms. Be brave in this time of torment my hero. They should have an ambulance outside on standby. Show some respecto NHS! Might try and organise everyone to come out at 7 (like his number) on Thursday to show their respect. Can you imagine if they did it 8 for Emile instead? Effing ingrates - bet dem bloo nuggets would think of perverting that. Maybe make it for Thursday before Aldofest.
9:00pm Tired, finally. I haven't really kipped for 2 or 3 days now? Time has no meaning for me now. I'm essentially full on milnered with that Speziale Brau. Time for a bit of twitter before crashing.
11:00pm Boy did it kick off! BigPurpsA was asking where was I, and had I foresaken him because i had the fru? No way, I'm just getting them muscles bigger Nathan! Sir Elton has been sewing sequins onto his swimming trunks to make a wrestling outfit. Sheree Murphee is looking for a voice coach urgently (what a perfectionist! Imagine being in Bananarama and still thinking you can improve). Other redmen have been getting involved too. Gary Barlow and Jacob Rees-Mogg are going to do a duet to put us in the mood at the start of the concert.
The only bad news is that the Premier League have still not said when the season will start. Maybe they will save it for Aldofest. Imagine - Aldofest finished and then they have the Merseyside Derby (moved to Anfield because that's only fair because we have been so hard done by with the Chinese fru). And some reds are pointing out that bitter bloo chippy tit mayor wouldn't let us have a parade! Get lost Ando, Aldofest and the parade will be the twin towers to build the good name of the redmen on for ever!
Midnight. Regular Special Brew and bed. Knackered. But happy! This really is going to be our year.
9:45am Rock up to Melwood. Feel a wreck but at least I didn't have to change as I slept in my full kit. No Joan to tell me to change into my jimjams. I say slept, but all I was doing was tossing in the bed. Joan said I was always a tosser. Maybe she was right.
10:00am The players assembled would boggle your mind! Everyone a leg end.
GK: Spaghetti Legs.
RB: Jase the Ace McAteer
CB: Torben Picnic
CB: Big Razor Ruddock
LB: Flo Joe Flannagan (I thought he'd be in Rushtlemania but he won't lift his hands against anyone bigger than himself).
MF: Bad Boy Barnsey!
MF: Dan the man Murphy
MF: Chop Souey
MF: Djimi Traore (how hell did he get in?)
ST: SD, Silent but Deadly Sean Dundee!
ST: Super, super John, Super Super John, Super Johnny Aldridge! Get in!
We all get our speziale brau down our necks and Der Kaiser has us getting our ubergugenheimpress heavymetaller football going. I vant to see der energy in the manschaft ja!
What can I say? It's like magic. We're running around like a bunch of Sadio Manes.Neil Ruddock is like seeing an elephant in a ballerina skirt being shot out of a canon. Such grace and speed! To be fair, SD and me up front are solid gold. SD keeps laying the ball back to me off his shins - and blammo the Aldo scores! Everyone is doing well apart from Djimi - what a plank!
11:00am Raze is flagging now. He looks like a fountain with all the sweat pouring off him. If there was an old Chinese fella, I'd push him into Raze! Take that Chinese fru! Barnsey is also blowing out his ar5e - even Murphy is having a go at him. Danny Murphy spent his entire career at the highest level with us, he knows about standards - you can tell by his continuous insightful comments on tv that he's not a man to mess with.
12:00pm Lunch at Melwood! Raze is devouring the pizza and chips. Get stuck in lad. McAteer has got the staff in pieces with his gags. Keep something back for the game Jase! Even Picnic is getting back into the swing of things. We all have to keep 2 metres away. Jurgen shows us what this is by using Raze's belt. Oof!
12:30pm Vell done Fun boys! Wunderbah! Come back tomorrow fur skill practice. Ja? I think ve vill beat those scheisecelebs.
2:00pm I've really equalised on the speziale brau now. Feel good. I wonder who has turned up in the celeb team? Ring up John Henry. He says it's amazing. People are queuing up to get into the team. Can I guess? Who could possibly guess? What a line up we could have! It'll be top secret until the day of the match. Talk about suspense!
3:00pm Talked to our Joan on the phone whilst she's at her sister's house. Tell her to come back. I am in deep training and everything will be back like it was in the glory days. Back when our John John and Juan John were little. Brilliant she says. What about Nathan from Bournemouth. I say Jurgen is training me and I have no need for him now. What about the greased up sessions? I say Jurgen wants to get us pumped up competely dry. She says she has to think about it.
4:00pm Apparently Ian Rush and Prince Andrew are getting on like a house on fire. They have really similar interests! Probably bigger in the 80's and both not the prince of wales that they thought they should be.
6:00pm Slippy rings up to confirm am I still on for Friday evening. I guess. Can I have any details? No. But apparenly Emile Heskey will be there. Talk about bringing out the big guns there! What can he want.
7:00pm Kenny is still not showing any symptoms. Be brave in this time of torment my hero. They should have an ambulance outside on standby. Show some respecto NHS! Might try and organise everyone to come out at 7 (like his number) on Thursday to show their respect. Can you imagine if they did it 8 for Emile instead? Effing ingrates - bet dem bloo nuggets would think of perverting that. Maybe make it for Thursday before Aldofest.
9:00pm Tired, finally. I haven't really kipped for 2 or 3 days now? Time has no meaning for me now. I'm essentially full on milnered with that Speziale Brau. Time for a bit of twitter before crashing.
11:00pm Boy did it kick off! BigPurpsA was asking where was I, and had I foresaken him because i had the fru? No way, I'm just getting them muscles bigger Nathan! Sir Elton has been sewing sequins onto his swimming trunks to make a wrestling outfit. Sheree Murphee is looking for a voice coach urgently (what a perfectionist! Imagine being in Bananarama and still thinking you can improve). Other redmen have been getting involved too. Gary Barlow and Jacob Rees-Mogg are going to do a duet to put us in the mood at the start of the concert.
The only bad news is that the Premier League have still not said when the season will start. Maybe they will save it for Aldofest. Imagine - Aldofest finished and then they have the Merseyside Derby (moved to Anfield because that's only fair because we have been so hard done by with the Chinese fru). And some reds are pointing out that bitter bloo chippy tit mayor wouldn't let us have a parade! Get lost Ando, Aldofest and the parade will be the twin towers to build the good name of the redmen on for ever!
Midnight. Regular Special Brew and bed. Knackered. But happy! This really is going to be our year.
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