The Secret Diary of Aldo Aged 61 1/2

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12/04/20

10:00am wake up and feeling fine. After my naked greased up session with big purple, I feel well stretched out relaxed. Like Ake says, I'm a virile muscular man in my prime. My only problem is I'm a bit blocked up from gobbling all that sausage yesterday. I wonder in Souey can give me one of his bowel blasting madrases.

11:00am Souey hasn't got any left. What did he do with them? No way would that tight minge bag throw out 6 months worth of ready meals. He said have I read the paper? I hope it's about Aldofest! Or good news from the hospital about our Kenny.

Noon Off to the newsagents. Might get a can of vimto and a KitKat to enjoy whilst I read about the praise for Aldofest.

12:30pm what the f@#k! Are they taking the p@#$?!? They're saying I play for the other team. And I don't mean dem bloos. Saying that I'm having regular seshes with notorious Purple Aki. How can they have got it so wrong? I see Bournemouth have put out an official response that Nathan has been in lockdown in Bournemouth for 3 weeks. This nonsense could harm the lad's career! What could it do to Aldofest? Bloody Hell, I'm in pieces here.

1:00pm I'm off to complain to the Echo but luckily they have sent that Emilia Bona so I can tell her straight. She's standing under some loose guttering and my barometer said there's going to be strong gusts of wind. I move her 10 metres away so she's safe but she is in tears because her human rights haven't been so violated since she was moved by Spanish police 10 metres to pre-empt any trouble (from Chelsea fans I guess). Bloody hell, it's not like I pushed her in a fountain. Eventually she understands that I'm a man's man and am as straight as they come. Like Tom Cruise out of Top Gun.

2:00pm Rushie popped in with his child bride and asks if she can stay with me as I'm the only guy he knows who won't make a move on her. Now that's respecto! Rush is off to see Kenny in hospital. Fortunately he is showing no symptoms but asked Rushie if he'll take his KitKat jimjams in because he doesn't like the robes they have there.

I ask if they have regular thermometers again. Rushie is laughing. Says I've always looked after everybody's ass and that's why they all love and respecto me. Hard to stay mad with you Ian, even if you did rob my place on the team after flopping in Italy.

3:00pm Gotta say Rushie's missus is a corker. I mean she's from cork. She's too young to remember me in the emerald green of course but she says her grandad reckoned me as being up there with that Tony Cascarino. She has a blinding plan to make hand sanitizer after the fru has finished. She's got a brilliant mind. I hope the schools open back up so she can finish her GCSEs.

4:00pm Rushie just left. They wouldn't let him in. Don't they know that the reds have saved the NHS? Bet the miserable nuggets won't even vote St Jordan for sports personality of the year.

5:00pm Only effing Jurgen came over!

Hello fun boy. I saw your picders in der news ja! We have der fun boys like you in Germany wid der leider pants and der techno. Always pounding ja?

Listen now Aldo time fur fun ist over ja? Drink zis speziale brau ja. You'll be running like James Milner on Saturday fun boy. Auf wiedersehen herr Aldi!

Lovely fella but no way do I know what he's talking about.

6:00pm Feeling a bit tingly. Stick on Twitter and there's a rumble going on between Sir Elton and Andy Carroll!

7:00pm Turns out the Geordie hit man was scamming me the nugget. Sir Elton has an idea. Him and Furno against Andy and Beardso. Winner gets to sign candle in the wind. Both are wonderful singers so we will all be winners. Proper buzzing now.

8:00pm all the colours are so vivid. I feel so full of energy. Jurgen's motivational visit is having an effect (or affect? Who cares I feel like I could outsprint James Milner!).

11:00pm I'm down to me undercrackers and sweating my knackers off. Me eyes are out on stalks and the special brew isn't touching the sides.

2:00am I'm on top of a podium in the Lisbon. Damn right I live the techno. I'm covered in fluorescent paint and glitter. I am a fun boy Jurgen!

5:00am on the sofa. My body aches. I need some more of that speziale brau.
 
Yarrgh said:
12/04/20

10:00am wake up and feeling fine. After my naked greased up session with big purple, I feel well stretched out relaxed. Like Ake says, I'm a virile muscular man in my prime. My only problem is I'm a bit blocked up from gobbling all that sausage yesterday. I wonder in Souey can give me one of his bowel blasting madrases.

11:00am Souey hasn't got any left. What did he do with them? No way would that tight minge bag throw out 6 months worth of ready meals. He said have I read the paper? I hope it's about Aldofest! Or good news from the hospital about our Kenny.

Noon Off to the newsagents. Might get a can of vimto and a KitKat to enjoy whilst I read about the praise for Aldofest.

12:30pm what the f@#k! Are they taking the p@#$?!? They're saying I play for the other team. And I don't mean dem bloos. Saying that I'm having regular seshes with notorious Purple Aki. How can they have got it so wrong? I see Bournemouth have put out an official response that Nathan has been in lockdown in Bournemouth for 3 weeks. This nonsense could harm the lad's career! What could it do to Aldofest? Bloody Hell, I'm in pieces here.

1:00pm I'm off to complain to the Echo but luckily they have sent that Emilia Bona so I can tell her straight. She's standing under some loose guttering and my barometer said there's going to be strong gusts of wind. I move her 10 metres away so she's safe but she is in tears because her human rights haven't been so violated since she was moved by Spanish police 10 metres to pre-empt any trouble (from Chelsea fans I guess). Bloody hell, it's not like I pushed her in a fountain. Eventually she understands that I'm a man's man and am as straight as they come. Like Tom Cruise out of Top Gun.

2:00pm Rushie popped in with his child bride and asks if she can stay with me as I'm the only guy he knows who won't make a move on her. Now that's respecto! Rush is off to see Kenny in hospital. Fortunately he is showing no symptoms but asked Rushie if he'll take his KitKat jimjams in because he doesn't like the robes they have there.

I ask if they have regular thermometers again. Rushie is laughing. Says I've always looked after everybody's ass and that's why they all love and respecto me. Hard to stay mad with you Ian, even if you did rob my place on the team after flopping in Italy.

3:00pm Gotta say Rushie's missus is a corker. I mean she's from cork. She's too young to remember me in the emerald green of course but she says her grandad reckoned me as being up there with that Tony Cascarino. She has a blinding plan to make hand sanitizer after the fru has finished. She's got a brilliant mind. I hope the schools open back up so she can finish her GCSEs.

4:00pm Rushie just left. They wouldn't let him in. Don't they know that the reds have saved the NHS? Bet the miserable nuggets won't even vote St Jordan for sports personality of the year.

5:00pm Only effing Jurgen came over!

Hello fun boy. I saw your picders in der news ja! We have der fun boys like you in Germany wid der leider pants and der techno. Always pounding ja?

Listen now Aldo time fur fun ist over ja? Drink zis speziale brau ja. You'll be running like James Milner on Saturday fun boy. Auf wiedersehen herr Aldi!

Lovely fella but no way do I know what he's talking about.

6:00pm Feeling a bit tingly. Stick on Twitter and there's a rumble going on between Sir Elton and Andy Carroll!

7:00pm Turns out the Geordie hit man was scamming me the nugget. Sir Elton has an idea. Him and Furno against Andy and Beardso. Winner gets to sign candle in the wind. Both are wonderful singers so we will all be winners. Proper buzzing now.

8:00pm all the colours are so vivid. I feel so full of energy. Jurgen's motivational visit is having an effect (or affect? Who cares I feel like I could outsprint James Milner!).

11:00pm I'm down to me undercrackers and sweating my knackers off. Me eyes are out on stalks and the special brew isn't touching the sides.

2:00am I'm on top of a podium in the Lisbon. Damn right I live the techno. I'm covered in fluorescent paint and glitter. I am a fun boy Jurgen!

5:00am on the sofa. My body aches. I need some more of that speziale brau.
Click to expand...
You're wasted on here Yarrgh!!!
 
Back in the late sixties, my parents rented a holiday cottage on the island of Anglesey. The landowner, a retired military man, employed a local villager - an elderly man in his mid to late sixties - a Mr. Jones, to tend this rural idyll and its vegetable patch.

Everything about Mr, Jones was agricultural. Without a tooth to his name, hair like a bleached haystack, unshaven and furrowed brow, his face was agricultural. Sporting moth-eaten trousers and waistcoat adorned with chain, collarless shirt, turned down wellies and topped off with flat cap, his fetid appearance was agricultural. Eternally leant forward on a spade in the vegetable patch, with one foot resting on its blade, raised arm supporting cap whilst concurrently scratching head, his apportment was agricultural.

Oh, and he had a big nose too.

Why the trivia?

Well, following Aldo’s latest instalment, I Googled Ian Rush and wife.

Remarkable.
 
Jonte said:
Back in the late sixties, my parents rented a holiday cottage on the island of Anglesey. The landowner, a retired military man, employed a local villager - an elderly man in his mid to late sixties - a Mr. Jones, to tend this rural idyll and its vegetable patch.

Everything about Mr, Jones was agricultural. Without a tooth to his name, hair like a bleached haystack, unshaven and furrowed brow, his face was agricultural. Sporting moth-eaten trousers and waistcoat adorned with chain, collarless shirt, turned down wellies and topped off with flat cap, his fetid appearance was agricultural. Eternally leant forward on a spade in the vegetable patch, with one foot resting on its blade, raised arm supporting cap whilst concurrently scratching head, his apportment was agricultural.

Oh, and he had a big nose too.

Why the trivia?

Well, following Aldo’s latest instalment, I Googled Ian Rush and wife.

Remarkable.
Click to expand...
I believe it was Hemingway who wrote the old man and his ho. An often overlooked agricultural reworking of an old man and the sea.

Anyway. Nugget! Yer blocked!
 
Yarrgh said:
I believe it was Hemingway who wrote the old man and his ho. An often overlooked agricultural reworking of an old man and the sea.

Anyway. Nugget! Yer blocked!
Click to expand...

Your great knowledge of the written word and rhetorical devices are much apparent in your satire, my friend.
It comes as no surprise to discover that you are familiar with works of Hemingway.
I’m afraid it’s wasted on the likes of me, however.

And I deserve to be blocked.

P.S. Anyone else beginning to feel sorry for Aldo?
 
Jonte said:
Back in the late sixties, my parents rented a holiday cottage on the island of Anglesey. The landowner, a retired military man, employed a local villager - an elderly man in his mid to late sixties - a Mr. Jones, to tend this rural idyll and its vegetable patch.

Everything about Mr, Jones was agricultural. Without a tooth to his name, hair like a bleached haystack, unshaven and furrowed brow, his face was agricultural. Sporting moth-eaten trousers and waistcoat adorned with chain, collarless shirt, turned down wellies and topped off with flat cap, his fetid appearance was agricultural. Eternally leant forward on a spade in the vegetable patch, with one foot resting on its blade, raised arm supporting cap whilst concurrently scratching head, his apportment was agricultural.

Oh, and he had a big nose too.

Why the trivia?

Well, following Aldo’s latest instalment, I Googled Ian Rush and wife.

Remarkable.
Click to expand...

 
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