Yarrgh
Player Valuation: £80m
Sounds like you have the Chinese fru! Yer blocked. Nugget.
The Secret Diary of Aldo Aged 61 1/2
- Thread starter Yarrgh
- Start date
- Status
Yarrgh
Player Valuation: £80m
16/04/20
8:00am Our Joan is back. And she's brought her flaming sister. Two of them. They're only here for Sir Elton. Her sister is well frosty to me. Both of them have to admit that I look rather fetching in my 2019-2020 replica kit that I have for training. They've been reading about Rushie's May to December romance in their gossip mags. I suppose they mean the end of this season, the daft pair of gits.
9:00am Full English! Spot on. I tell our Joan, that no matter what sausage I try she always stuffs me the best. She seems nervous and says there's special strap on equipment that can make a woman like a man if that will satisfy my urges. What is she on about? Maybe she is thinking that all the top chefs are men and that's why they'd cook better bangers. There's nowt wrong with our Joan's bangers I can tell yer! (That's one of McAteer's gags - where does he get them all).
10:00am Our Joan and her sister seem quite happy at home preparing for Sir Elton. Number one job I guess is get the piss smell (curse you Sammy Lee) and vomit smell out of the carpet. He might be a highly strung entertainer who is too fancy for that sensory overload. Anyway I'm off to work my magic under the gruppenfurher Herr Klopp. Down with the Speziale Brau and up with the action - wahey!
11:00am Souey looks like Mr T out of the A-team (but not black of course though maybe he should apply some boot polish to show he isn't racist- which he isn't) because he's wearing all his medal. This way he can show everyone how many things he has won when getting into internet battles. Some of these young punks won't even recognise his bloo Peter badge or Jim fixed it for me medallion. He looks pretty nifty. He has an interview with a newspaper - the Sun. I say that's not on, but apparently he has done it before and it went down well, so no harm no foul I guess.
We're doing 5 against 5. Well 5 against 6 but as the 6 includes Djimi, it's still counts as 5 v 5. Torben Picnic has come alive in this game as he's up against Big Raze who said he's starving, and heard there was a picnic. Fell for it again - that was McAteer pulling my leg. Bloody hell he should be a comedian that lad. Then Big Raze started munching on The Torbinator's leg so maybe it isn't so funny after all. Luckily Picnic is using those fancy laceless boots the kids have so it comes off in Big Raze's mouth and he escapes undigested, but has to play with one boot off for half a session. Liek half a Zola Budd says Spaghetti Legs - why does everything have to be 20 year old South African related references with him? What a boering nugget.
Noon Barnsey is doing an Ainsley Harriot impression in the canteen. Jurgs is looking blankly but joining in the fun. Vat is Percy Pepper herr Barnsey, is he another fun boy like all you? No he's only the greatest chef in the world! I bet his sausage is brilliant. Maybe our Joan could get the Ainsley Harriot attachment when supplying me the sausage! Text her, and she says it'll be my post-Aldofest treat. Soupberb! McAteer came up with that as we're eating beef soup at Smelly Melly - apparently Souey can't face it as it reminds him too much of the after eating all that madras - TOO MUCH INFO SOUEY!
2:00pm Nick into the bookies on the way home to put a crafty tenner on me as first scorer - no reason why we can't make this mean more! Who should be in there but Big Emile. He says putting money on me is a mugs game and that he has a gibbon on Dundee. What's a gibbon? It's a gibbon that Sean Dundee will score the obener - it's only one of McAteer's great gags. Anyway Emile tells us that he will see me tomorrow and tips me the wink. What is Stevie G up to that he needs Big Emile for muscle and me for driver? Haven't got a clue.
4:00pm Prince Andy and Rushie are hanging out just outside the off-licence next to Pizza Express. Apparently if someone underage wants to get a drink, they'll help the out. Wonderful stuff from the dynamic duo. It's roasting out though those two cool cucumbers look chilled out. Prince Andy hasn't even got a sweat on.
6:00pm Our Joan says do we need lube. I think she means special brew. I tell her we sure do. Gotta get the party started. She says she's asked Sir Elton for advice, and he's bringing some with him for us to sample. I don't care what that Andy Caroll says, I think Sir Elton is aces.
8:00pm Couple of cans of lubes down the old Aldo hole and I am on fire on twitter. It's blowing up out there with the mighty redmen.
Pi55yPocketsKopfan: Love you Aldo! Sort out the flu mate! Get the league started and win us the league like last time.
Now that's Maximo Respecto! But it's fru mate. Don't embarrass yourself.
ShanksSocialistArmy: Get rid of the NHS drawing precious resources from furloughing the lazy non-p;laying staff so we can spend more in Summer!
Great point there. Yer absolutely right.
BillBeaumontRUFC: Aldo have you heard about what 5G masts are doing to us?
No? What? I soon find out. It's a national disgrace. I soon round up a bunch of guys to sort out the 5G mast at the local hospital. So many people sick that they need a hospital all next to a 5G pole?!? That ain't coincidence.
10:00pm Prince Andrew and Jeremy Corbyn are sawing away with the two man saw. Barnsey is on look out. Frang and Kieran are there to carry it off. We're saving society now. Frang and Kieran are real lightweights and absolutely shattered. They should get the Speziale Brau down them if the club means more. Luckily though little Sammy Lee turns up with a big bag of pyro for welcoming the celeb team bus at Aldofest. What a blaze. We rob some bedsheets off a washing line and stick them up over our heads. Only my phone goes off to play the Dick Dasterdly theme tune just as I see a pigeon. Before I can get my mask on, I'm after the bird, but I trip on the pole face down into the melting tarmac only to be smacked in the face by the feathered scoundrel.
Who should then walk around the corner but Emilia Bonas from the Echo. She thinks it's a KKK meeting and I've been tarred and feathered. Luckily Emilia is an redz fan, so she soon realises that it's just typical larking about. She takes some photos of us all. It'll look great in the echo tomorrow.
Midnight! What a day. I should be taking it easy. Final training tomorrow and Stevie's mystery mission. Can't wait.
8:00am Our Joan is back. And she's brought her flaming sister. Two of them. They're only here for Sir Elton. Her sister is well frosty to me. Both of them have to admit that I look rather fetching in my 2019-2020 replica kit that I have for training. They've been reading about Rushie's May to December romance in their gossip mags. I suppose they mean the end of this season, the daft pair of gits.
9:00am Full English! Spot on. I tell our Joan, that no matter what sausage I try she always stuffs me the best. She seems nervous and says there's special strap on equipment that can make a woman like a man if that will satisfy my urges. What is she on about? Maybe she is thinking that all the top chefs are men and that's why they'd cook better bangers. There's nowt wrong with our Joan's bangers I can tell yer! (That's one of McAteer's gags - where does he get them all).
10:00am Our Joan and her sister seem quite happy at home preparing for Sir Elton. Number one job I guess is get the piss smell (curse you Sammy Lee) and vomit smell out of the carpet. He might be a highly strung entertainer who is too fancy for that sensory overload. Anyway I'm off to work my magic under the gruppenfurher Herr Klopp. Down with the Speziale Brau and up with the action - wahey!
11:00am Souey looks like Mr T out of the A-team (but not black of course though maybe he should apply some boot polish to show he isn't racist- which he isn't) because he's wearing all his medal. This way he can show everyone how many things he has won when getting into internet battles. Some of these young punks won't even recognise his bloo Peter badge or Jim fixed it for me medallion. He looks pretty nifty. He has an interview with a newspaper - the Sun. I say that's not on, but apparently he has done it before and it went down well, so no harm no foul I guess.
We're doing 5 against 5. Well 5 against 6 but as the 6 includes Djimi, it's still counts as 5 v 5. Torben Picnic has come alive in this game as he's up against Big Raze who said he's starving, and heard there was a picnic. Fell for it again - that was McAteer pulling my leg. Bloody hell he should be a comedian that lad. Then Big Raze started munching on The Torbinator's leg so maybe it isn't so funny after all. Luckily Picnic is using those fancy laceless boots the kids have so it comes off in Big Raze's mouth and he escapes undigested, but has to play with one boot off for half a session. Liek half a Zola Budd says Spaghetti Legs - why does everything have to be 20 year old South African related references with him? What a boering nugget.
Noon Barnsey is doing an Ainsley Harriot impression in the canteen. Jurgs is looking blankly but joining in the fun. Vat is Percy Pepper herr Barnsey, is he another fun boy like all you? No he's only the greatest chef in the world! I bet his sausage is brilliant. Maybe our Joan could get the Ainsley Harriot attachment when supplying me the sausage! Text her, and she says it'll be my post-Aldofest treat. Soupberb! McAteer came up with that as we're eating beef soup at Smelly Melly - apparently Souey can't face it as it reminds him too much of the after eating all that madras - TOO MUCH INFO SOUEY!
2:00pm Nick into the bookies on the way home to put a crafty tenner on me as first scorer - no reason why we can't make this mean more! Who should be in there but Big Emile. He says putting money on me is a mugs game and that he has a gibbon on Dundee. What's a gibbon? It's a gibbon that Sean Dundee will score the obener - it's only one of McAteer's great gags. Anyway Emile tells us that he will see me tomorrow and tips me the wink. What is Stevie G up to that he needs Big Emile for muscle and me for driver? Haven't got a clue.
4:00pm Prince Andy and Rushie are hanging out just outside the off-licence next to Pizza Express. Apparently if someone underage wants to get a drink, they'll help the out. Wonderful stuff from the dynamic duo. It's roasting out though those two cool cucumbers look chilled out. Prince Andy hasn't even got a sweat on.
6:00pm Our Joan says do we need lube. I think she means special brew. I tell her we sure do. Gotta get the party started. She says she's asked Sir Elton for advice, and he's bringing some with him for us to sample. I don't care what that Andy Caroll says, I think Sir Elton is aces.
8:00pm Couple of cans of lubes down the old Aldo hole and I am on fire on twitter. It's blowing up out there with the mighty redmen.
Pi55yPocketsKopfan: Love you Aldo! Sort out the flu mate! Get the league started and win us the league like last time.
Now that's Maximo Respecto! But it's fru mate. Don't embarrass yourself.
ShanksSocialistArmy: Get rid of the NHS drawing precious resources from furloughing the lazy non-p;laying staff so we can spend more in Summer!
Great point there. Yer absolutely right.
BillBeaumontRUFC: Aldo have you heard about what 5G masts are doing to us?
No? What? I soon find out. It's a national disgrace. I soon round up a bunch of guys to sort out the 5G mast at the local hospital. So many people sick that they need a hospital all next to a 5G pole?!? That ain't coincidence.
10:00pm Prince Andrew and Jeremy Corbyn are sawing away with the two man saw. Barnsey is on look out. Frang and Kieran are there to carry it off. We're saving society now. Frang and Kieran are real lightweights and absolutely shattered. They should get the Speziale Brau down them if the club means more. Luckily though little Sammy Lee turns up with a big bag of pyro for welcoming the celeb team bus at Aldofest. What a blaze. We rob some bedsheets off a washing line and stick them up over our heads. Only my phone goes off to play the Dick Dasterdly theme tune just as I see a pigeon. Before I can get my mask on, I'm after the bird, but I trip on the pole face down into the melting tarmac only to be smacked in the face by the feathered scoundrel.
Who should then walk around the corner but Emilia Bonas from the Echo. She thinks it's a KKK meeting and I've been tarred and feathered. Luckily Emilia is an redz fan, so she soon realises that it's just typical larking about. She takes some photos of us all. It'll look great in the echo tomorrow.
Midnight! What a day. I should be taking it easy. Final training tomorrow and Stevie's mystery mission. Can't wait.
Last edited:
NeroCeasar
Player Valuation: £8m
He says putting money on me is a mugs game and that he has a gibbon on Dundee. What's a gibbon? It's a gibbon that Sean Dundee will score the obener -
This is fantastic but probably won't be appreciated by the non gamblers amongst us
This is fantastic but probably won't be appreciated by the non gamblers amongst us
Yarrgh
Player Valuation: £80m
17/04/20
6:00am Our Joan wakes me up. She has been up for hours already preparing for Sir Elton. She's borrowed Souey's bontempi organ so we can all have a sing song when he gets here. The front room looks great. In between my 87-88 League Medal and Echo Journalist of the Year 2018 trophy, there's a big picture of Elton John. The sofa bed is out ready, and the room is finally clear of Sammy Lee's urine accident smell. Well done our Joan!
7:00am Athlete's breakfast for me down at old Smelly Melly with the fun boys. A large can of speziale brau and a wagon wheel. Big Raze has three wagons wheel but says they're not as big as they used to be. Kind of like a bizzaro big Raze says that Sean Dundee, who is acting all big thinking he is the top man. As Souey would say, lash your medals on the table you gronk. That's right nowt ya cockwomble. I tell him to leave big Raze alone and that the big man is pulling his weight unlike him. McAteer wonders aloud if anyone can pull that amount of weight! Tension broke - McAteer you've done it again! Big Raze then finds a tin with some kitkats in. Grab two - for when I go around to Kenny's to see how he is - he still showing no symptoms the brave soldier. They didn't even clap at 7 to honour him last night - the public are fickle. The bloos perverted it to 8pm to honour Morgan Schneiderlin and did so by not moving and making a lot of noise for no reason. None of you can come to Aldofest - yer all blocked.
9:00am A second round of Speziale brau. Them kitkats were meant for now. Klopp's furious, he loves the kitkat. Ja, the little pispuss, with the milchchokolade ja? You fun boys are abusing me. I vas going to give you all a piece of my toblerone but now, no not so much. He's fewming - he's going off to batter a ball boy whilst there's no camera on him. Classic Klopp.
10:00am Having a massage. Guess who is the new masseur?!? Only Big Purps! What you doing not at Bournemouth. He looked confused. Anyway he oils me up and confirms my suspicions - my muscles are bigger and harder than ever. I tweet that out to the fans: BigPurps says I'm bigger and harder than before! Once I'm greased up and he's had his way with me, I'll be ready to go.
12:00 Twitter is going off.
BigJoeMayor: I applaud your openess. Liverpool welcomes everyone warmly.
Me: Eff of chippy tits. I thought you were blocked. Nugget!
SvenGobshot: We have just arrived in Liverpool were can we stay Aldy?
HonestJohnH: We have just prepared your rooms at Anfield Road Mansions. Our Driver will sort it out
The phone rings - It's only bleedin' John Henry, can I go pick up the Norwegians from John Lennon. In what? Turns out that St Jordan has only just managed to sort himself out with a fleet of ambulances. He's used all the money that the players gave him to buy them beause the NHS are just wasters who don't need them at this moment in time as all the fru people can get an uber like regular folks. Spot on! Some of them are showing symptoms - they're not as strong as Kenny so they need to stop being pampered.
1:00pm Great this, Loving the ambulance, flashing lights and everything. Pick up the Norwegians and throw them in the back. Tell them it's a gibbon for the ride, and theire bodyweight in merch from the club shop to stay at the Anfield Road Mansions. They ask me what a gibbon is, and I tell them it's a gibbon that I'll score first tomorrow. No one laughs - no sense of humour them Norwegians. I say perhaps it was better if Emile Heskey said it like yesterday. They think I'm a big racist and calling Emile Hesky a gibbon. Noooooo! I'm not a racist you bunch of thick viking pillaging rapists.
1:30pm John Henry is pushing them into the abandoned houses on Annie Road. Get in, it's authentic Hygge, it's like the occupants were forced out at gunpoint - you'll experience the real feeling of being a Liverpool customer. John Henry tells me that he has a couple of hundred Malaysians flying in later. Where's he going to stick them? That John Henry is one helluva business man.
2:00pm That 2nd spezial brau is really working its magic now. I feel all sweaty and hot, and mixed up with Ake's grease, I have to take my top and shorts off to maintain a cool body temperature. I bet Prince Andy doesn't have this problem.
2:30 Jurgen on the blower. Can I pick up something to deliver to his customer like I promised. Did I? When was that? Do I have anything to drive a couple of big barrels in? Ambulanzioni Jurgy! Rock back up to Smelly Melly and there is the Kloppmeister with 2 big barrels of Speziale Brau. It's for the Belorussians Herr Aldi ja! Danke fun boy, with you I will give my toblerone piece. Result. I load up the barrels and take the instructions were to go. As soon as Klopp is out of sight, I try to find the kitkats that I hid. They've only gone and melted all over m backside. I look a right mess. Can't give that to Kenny can I?
3:00pm Turns out I can't give them kitkats to Kenny, but I can give them to Prince Andy and Rushie. I tell them to let them cool down and harden up, but Prince Andy says they like eating things before they're ready. The pair of idiots are laughing away at each other. God help them the pair of planks.
4:00pm Sir Elton turns up and apparently no special brew or other lubricant with him. He does give our Joan a selection of tubes of what I guess is toothpaste which was nice of him. His teeth fair sparkle too so I guess he knows all about it.
5:00pm It's a big party all right! Bill Beaumont and Sue Barker, Prince Andy, Kenny, Souey, it's great. When just as it's all going so well, I get the call from Stevie G. Meet him and Emile at 6:30pm at this mum's. I tell him that we have Sir Elton singing, does he want to come around? Nah, but is Chris De Burgh here? Didn't invite him. Stevie is not impressed and sulking so I tell him I'll be there.
6:30pm Rock up in the St Jordan's at Stevie G's ma's. Emile and Stevie are well impressed. Stick in the Etihad into the sat nav- Stevie G is only going to rob the Premier League Trophy of those Net Spend bandits in Manchester! Dey robbed it last year errrrrmmmmm, dey nicked it off us after winning it fair and square when they got more points errrrmmmm. And they can't hold it another year! Because this is our year! We cannot let it slip errrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmm.
Emile and me, we're pumped up now. Stevie G has pumped us up good and proper. If only they hadn't noticed that my undercrackers were all brown at the back and I wasn't wearing clothes I think it might have been a perfect moment.
7:30pm A bit late because we went to Maine road, only to find it's been knocked down. Stevie is on the phone to Jamie La, and says that the Etihad is in Eastlands or something. We have to be careful because that stain on humanity Raheem Stirling is on the phone trying to arrange a delivery of groceries to his mum - what a total nugget. Anyway, I stay in the ambulance and Stevie G and Emile nip out all disguised up as Georgie Kinkladze and Shaun Goater. Well I'm waiting and this manc police nugget swaggers down the road in flared out jeans and he's all upset. You allllriiight ar kid, why you parrrking ere? Uh gotta pick someone up. Top, what's that in the barrels ar kid? Uh Medicine for the chinese fru! (I'm an absolute genius).
7:35pm Who should come out at that very moment, but Kinky and Goater carrying the trophy. The rozzer is right on to it. Emile falls on his big fat arse in surprise like he always did. Stevie G throws the trophy into the ambulance and shouts to get it back home where it belongs before fleeing into the night. "Don't let it slip!"
7:40pm Well the old bill are out in numbers now. I am in an ambulance with the premier league trophy and 2 barrels full of speziale brau. If I get caught with that I'm in trouble. So I glug down both barrels. I have the energy of Sadio Mane, I pick up the trophy and run out of the ambulance as I can certainly travel faster without it. I pick up that dozy Emile and throw him over my shoulder and start running. It's like the end of 2001 A Space Oddysey - all lights and colours.
10:00pm I'm just arriving home. Our Joan let's us in, and groans to her sister that the greasy ratbag has bought another black man back. Where is everyone? I'm calming down now. Turns out Souey and Sir Elton went off to Morrisons carpark to have a straightener because musical trophies and footballing medals aren't comparable. I feel like a humingbird. I put down Emile Heskey who convinces our Joan that we were on a mission to bring back the trophy. Where is it? I'm so greased up and loaded out of my mind that I must have let it slip.
10:30pm Klopp is on the phone. He's not happy, the Belorussians are going to kneecap him. It's all gone Dortmund again- I'm off herr Aldi. Good luck in the game tomorrow. Who will manage us? My head feels like it's going to explode. I'd call the ambulance, but they're all ferrying Norwegians and Malaysians around. What a mess. I call someone who can keep calm in a crisis - Prince Andy, but can't get any reception on the 5G.
2:00am What happened? I went out looking for Nathan from Bournemouth as he is the only person with medical training so I went to the ... ahh it all makes sense, that's why I am at the Lisbon with Prince Andy, Sir Elton and Bill Beaumont. Why is Jurgen in the corner in sunglasses and a dress trying to be in disguise? I need to focus - Get some food to calm down, but I only have the chocolate all over me pants, so I whip them off and start licking. Why is everyone cheering? [Poor language removed] me, it's Aldofest?!? This is not going to plan.
6:00am Kenny has me in his house. He's dressed like a giant kitkat (not sure if the speziale brau is wearing off now). He's using his marvellous bedside manner to calm me down. He learned it off Tarby and Cilla. Apparently I have been mumbling about Sherry Murphy being in Emerdale Farm for the last 30 minutes. Kenny tells me that the last time anyone was this far gone, they won the Tour de France. I'm not feeling like a very virile muscular man now. Kenny tells me to pull myself together as he has a plan.
6:00am Our Joan wakes me up. She has been up for hours already preparing for Sir Elton. She's borrowed Souey's bontempi organ so we can all have a sing song when he gets here. The front room looks great. In between my 87-88 League Medal and Echo Journalist of the Year 2018 trophy, there's a big picture of Elton John. The sofa bed is out ready, and the room is finally clear of Sammy Lee's urine accident smell. Well done our Joan!
7:00am Athlete's breakfast for me down at old Smelly Melly with the fun boys. A large can of speziale brau and a wagon wheel. Big Raze has three wagons wheel but says they're not as big as they used to be. Kind of like a bizzaro big Raze says that Sean Dundee, who is acting all big thinking he is the top man. As Souey would say, lash your medals on the table you gronk. That's right nowt ya cockwomble. I tell him to leave big Raze alone and that the big man is pulling his weight unlike him. McAteer wonders aloud if anyone can pull that amount of weight! Tension broke - McAteer you've done it again! Big Raze then finds a tin with some kitkats in. Grab two - for when I go around to Kenny's to see how he is - he still showing no symptoms the brave soldier. They didn't even clap at 7 to honour him last night - the public are fickle. The bloos perverted it to 8pm to honour Morgan Schneiderlin and did so by not moving and making a lot of noise for no reason. None of you can come to Aldofest - yer all blocked.
9:00am A second round of Speziale brau. Them kitkats were meant for now. Klopp's furious, he loves the kitkat. Ja, the little pispuss, with the milchchokolade ja? You fun boys are abusing me. I vas going to give you all a piece of my toblerone but now, no not so much. He's fewming - he's going off to batter a ball boy whilst there's no camera on him. Classic Klopp.
10:00am Having a massage. Guess who is the new masseur?!? Only Big Purps! What you doing not at Bournemouth. He looked confused. Anyway he oils me up and confirms my suspicions - my muscles are bigger and harder than ever. I tweet that out to the fans: BigPurps says I'm bigger and harder than before! Once I'm greased up and he's had his way with me, I'll be ready to go.
12:00 Twitter is going off.
BigJoeMayor: I applaud your openess. Liverpool welcomes everyone warmly.
Me: Eff of chippy tits. I thought you were blocked. Nugget!
SvenGobshot: We have just arrived in Liverpool were can we stay Aldy?
HonestJohnH: We have just prepared your rooms at Anfield Road Mansions. Our Driver will sort it out
The phone rings - It's only bleedin' John Henry, can I go pick up the Norwegians from John Lennon. In what? Turns out that St Jordan has only just managed to sort himself out with a fleet of ambulances. He's used all the money that the players gave him to buy them beause the NHS are just wasters who don't need them at this moment in time as all the fru people can get an uber like regular folks. Spot on! Some of them are showing symptoms - they're not as strong as Kenny so they need to stop being pampered.
1:00pm Great this, Loving the ambulance, flashing lights and everything. Pick up the Norwegians and throw them in the back. Tell them it's a gibbon for the ride, and theire bodyweight in merch from the club shop to stay at the Anfield Road Mansions. They ask me what a gibbon is, and I tell them it's a gibbon that I'll score first tomorrow. No one laughs - no sense of humour them Norwegians. I say perhaps it was better if Emile Heskey said it like yesterday. They think I'm a big racist and calling Emile Hesky a gibbon. Noooooo! I'm not a racist you bunch of thick viking pillaging rapists.
1:30pm John Henry is pushing them into the abandoned houses on Annie Road. Get in, it's authentic Hygge, it's like the occupants were forced out at gunpoint - you'll experience the real feeling of being a Liverpool customer. John Henry tells me that he has a couple of hundred Malaysians flying in later. Where's he going to stick them? That John Henry is one helluva business man.
2:00pm That 2nd spezial brau is really working its magic now. I feel all sweaty and hot, and mixed up with Ake's grease, I have to take my top and shorts off to maintain a cool body temperature. I bet Prince Andy doesn't have this problem.
2:30 Jurgen on the blower. Can I pick up something to deliver to his customer like I promised. Did I? When was that? Do I have anything to drive a couple of big barrels in? Ambulanzioni Jurgy! Rock back up to Smelly Melly and there is the Kloppmeister with 2 big barrels of Speziale Brau. It's for the Belorussians Herr Aldi ja! Danke fun boy, with you I will give my toblerone piece. Result. I load up the barrels and take the instructions were to go. As soon as Klopp is out of sight, I try to find the kitkats that I hid. They've only gone and melted all over m backside. I look a right mess. Can't give that to Kenny can I?
3:00pm Turns out I can't give them kitkats to Kenny, but I can give them to Prince Andy and Rushie. I tell them to let them cool down and harden up, but Prince Andy says they like eating things before they're ready. The pair of idiots are laughing away at each other. God help them the pair of planks.
4:00pm Sir Elton turns up and apparently no special brew or other lubricant with him. He does give our Joan a selection of tubes of what I guess is toothpaste which was nice of him. His teeth fair sparkle too so I guess he knows all about it.
5:00pm It's a big party all right! Bill Beaumont and Sue Barker, Prince Andy, Kenny, Souey, it's great. When just as it's all going so well, I get the call from Stevie G. Meet him and Emile at 6:30pm at this mum's. I tell him that we have Sir Elton singing, does he want to come around? Nah, but is Chris De Burgh here? Didn't invite him. Stevie is not impressed and sulking so I tell him I'll be there.
6:30pm Rock up in the St Jordan's at Stevie G's ma's. Emile and Stevie are well impressed. Stick in the Etihad into the sat nav- Stevie G is only going to rob the Premier League Trophy of those Net Spend bandits in Manchester! Dey robbed it last year errrrrmmmmm, dey nicked it off us after winning it fair and square when they got more points errrrmmmm. And they can't hold it another year! Because this is our year! We cannot let it slip errrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmm.
Emile and me, we're pumped up now. Stevie G has pumped us up good and proper. If only they hadn't noticed that my undercrackers were all brown at the back and I wasn't wearing clothes I think it might have been a perfect moment.
7:30pm A bit late because we went to Maine road, only to find it's been knocked down. Stevie is on the phone to Jamie La, and says that the Etihad is in Eastlands or something. We have to be careful because that stain on humanity Raheem Stirling is on the phone trying to arrange a delivery of groceries to his mum - what a total nugget. Anyway, I stay in the ambulance and Stevie G and Emile nip out all disguised up as Georgie Kinkladze and Shaun Goater. Well I'm waiting and this manc police nugget swaggers down the road in flared out jeans and he's all upset. You allllriiight ar kid, why you parrrking ere? Uh gotta pick someone up. Top, what's that in the barrels ar kid? Uh Medicine for the chinese fru! (I'm an absolute genius).
7:35pm Who should come out at that very moment, but Kinky and Goater carrying the trophy. The rozzer is right on to it. Emile falls on his big fat arse in surprise like he always did. Stevie G throws the trophy into the ambulance and shouts to get it back home where it belongs before fleeing into the night. "Don't let it slip!"
7:40pm Well the old bill are out in numbers now. I am in an ambulance with the premier league trophy and 2 barrels full of speziale brau. If I get caught with that I'm in trouble. So I glug down both barrels. I have the energy of Sadio Mane, I pick up the trophy and run out of the ambulance as I can certainly travel faster without it. I pick up that dozy Emile and throw him over my shoulder and start running. It's like the end of 2001 A Space Oddysey - all lights and colours.
10:00pm I'm just arriving home. Our Joan let's us in, and groans to her sister that the greasy ratbag has bought another black man back. Where is everyone? I'm calming down now. Turns out Souey and Sir Elton went off to Morrisons carpark to have a straightener because musical trophies and footballing medals aren't comparable. I feel like a humingbird. I put down Emile Heskey who convinces our Joan that we were on a mission to bring back the trophy. Where is it? I'm so greased up and loaded out of my mind that I must have let it slip.
10:30pm Klopp is on the phone. He's not happy, the Belorussians are going to kneecap him. It's all gone Dortmund again- I'm off herr Aldi. Good luck in the game tomorrow. Who will manage us? My head feels like it's going to explode. I'd call the ambulance, but they're all ferrying Norwegians and Malaysians around. What a mess. I call someone who can keep calm in a crisis - Prince Andy, but can't get any reception on the 5G.
2:00am What happened? I went out looking for Nathan from Bournemouth as he is the only person with medical training so I went to the ... ahh it all makes sense, that's why I am at the Lisbon with Prince Andy, Sir Elton and Bill Beaumont. Why is Jurgen in the corner in sunglasses and a dress trying to be in disguise? I need to focus - Get some food to calm down, but I only have the chocolate all over me pants, so I whip them off and start licking. Why is everyone cheering? [Poor language removed] me, it's Aldofest?!? This is not going to plan.
6:00am Kenny has me in his house. He's dressed like a giant kitkat (not sure if the speziale brau is wearing off now). He's using his marvellous bedside manner to calm me down. He learned it off Tarby and Cilla. Apparently I have been mumbling about Sherry Murphy being in Emerdale Farm for the last 30 minutes. Kenny tells me that the last time anyone was this far gone, they won the Tour de France. I'm not feeling like a very virile muscular man now. Kenny tells me to pull myself together as he has a plan.
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It’s like the end of 2001 a Space Odyssey.
The last time anyone was this far gone, they won the Tour de France.
lollollol
The last time anyone was this far gone, they won the Tour de France.
lollollol
Dario Terracotta
Player Valuation: £70m
lollollolAwesome
Echo journalist of the year lol lol lol
PaulPowersTash
Player Valuation: £15m
Love the Manc connection! 
"Anyway, I stay in the ambulance and Stevie G and Emile nip out all disguised up as Georgie Kinkladze and Shaun Goater. Well I'm waiting and this manc police nugget swaggers down the road in flared out jeans and he's all upset. You allllriiight ar kid, why you parrrking ere? Uh gotta pick someone up. Top, what's that in the barrels ar kid?"
Only the footballing cognoscenti will know who Geo Kinkladze & Shaun Goater are!
This is better than Breaking Bad!
Top work
"Anyway, I stay in the ambulance and Stevie G and Emile nip out all disguised up as Georgie Kinkladze and Shaun Goater. Well I'm waiting and this manc police nugget swaggers down the road in flared out jeans and he's all upset. You allllriiight ar kid, why you parrrking ere? Uh gotta pick someone up. Top, what's that in the barrels ar kid?"
Only the footballing cognoscenti will know who Geo Kinkladze & Shaun Goater are!
This is better than Breaking Bad!
Top work
Gwlacticos
Player Valuation: £15m
I feel like a hummingbird.
Yarrgh
Player Valuation: £80m
18/04/20
6:01am Pull yourself together Aldo. What would Shanks have said? Probably would have said my diary would have been more warmly received by bitter bloos than der redmen. No wonder he got the order of the boot the turncoat.
6:20am Kenny has just poured 3 bottles of buckfast that he had left over from last night. Takes the edge right off. Finally I can stand still without feeling like pigeons are trying to fight their way out of my skin.
6:45am I am really worried. I can understand every word Kenny is saying. He's called our Joan and she said she wasn't worried when Sir Elton and Bill Beaumont rocked back up with Purps and told her that Kenny had got us in a taxi. Stand up fellas them, they're always cover your backside.
7:00pm If you'd have told me that I'd be blitzed out of my skull with Kenny on my big day I would have been made up with that. But instead I feel like an old Chinese lad who just got pushed in a fountain. I start laughing uncontrollably- Klopp's gear wasn't made to be consumed in such doses. Kenny comes in with a face like thunder. I'll tell you something to stop you laughing John. What? John effing Bishop. Man I'm on a downer now. On me way back to Liverpool I stopped of at Runcorn and have its funniest man relieve me of the premier league trophy. When you think about it that's pretty damning for the place coz he's no McAteer.
8:00am smarten up John, Kenny's just said I've been staring into space muttering Dundee and Gibbons. Kenny says he didn't even know they had a zoo up there.
10:00am I'm still mashed off my tits but finally I'm holding it together. Kenny wants to know if I'm going to degrease before we head off to Anfield. No way lad! The one thing I know for sure is that after the last couple of weeks I've learnt is that the Aldi is best when he's at his greasiest. Let me get something sugary out of the fridge to drink on the way.
11:00am Frang got us here in rag time in the St Jordan's ambulance. It reminded him of his lost love. Where did he lose her? He said that reminds him to make sure I'll come around his to help dig up his patio. This fanta taste gorgeous.
12:00pm Kieran opens the car door and is protecting us from the redmen customers, I mean fans- I've been hanging out with John Henry too long I guess. The journos are all there and I wave my bottle at them shouting den bitter bloos are all nuggets! You wished you had an Aldofest but yer all blocked! And I'm laughing because I 'll have no comeback, that and I'm out of me skull on speziale brau and buckfast. Quickly think of stinking Bishop to bring me back down.
Kieran tells us that Jurgen has run off to South America after stiffing the Belarusian in a drug deal. Luckily Kenny Dalgish says that even though he has the Chinese Fru, he's symptom free so can take over duties. I'm so happy I could climb a 5G post and knock one off.
Then devastation. Aldo, you've got the legs but your heads gone. I'm going with Rushie and dropping you to the bench. You can wear Rushies wrestling gear and.take part in Rushtlemania instead.
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
12:30pm I walk alone in this storm. Maybe I'll go visit the.Question of Sport thing with Big Bill. He's just getting started when I see my face on all the Aldofest t-shirts. There's me with Nathan from Bournemouth and there's one of me doing the YMCA. I'm just about to read them when Bill says he has an anecdote about a Liverpool great.
"That Emelyn Hughes was a right effing high pitched cu...
Could this get any worse?
To be continued...
6:01am Pull yourself together Aldo. What would Shanks have said? Probably would have said my diary would have been more warmly received by bitter bloos than der redmen. No wonder he got the order of the boot the turncoat.
6:20am Kenny has just poured 3 bottles of buckfast that he had left over from last night. Takes the edge right off. Finally I can stand still without feeling like pigeons are trying to fight their way out of my skin.
6:45am I am really worried. I can understand every word Kenny is saying. He's called our Joan and she said she wasn't worried when Sir Elton and Bill Beaumont rocked back up with Purps and told her that Kenny had got us in a taxi. Stand up fellas them, they're always cover your backside.
7:00pm If you'd have told me that I'd be blitzed out of my skull with Kenny on my big day I would have been made up with that. But instead I feel like an old Chinese lad who just got pushed in a fountain. I start laughing uncontrollably- Klopp's gear wasn't made to be consumed in such doses. Kenny comes in with a face like thunder. I'll tell you something to stop you laughing John. What? John effing Bishop. Man I'm on a downer now. On me way back to Liverpool I stopped of at Runcorn and have its funniest man relieve me of the premier league trophy. When you think about it that's pretty damning for the place coz he's no McAteer.
8:00am smarten up John, Kenny's just said I've been staring into space muttering Dundee and Gibbons. Kenny says he didn't even know they had a zoo up there.
10:00am I'm still mashed off my tits but finally I'm holding it together. Kenny wants to know if I'm going to degrease before we head off to Anfield. No way lad! The one thing I know for sure is that after the last couple of weeks I've learnt is that the Aldi is best when he's at his greasiest. Let me get something sugary out of the fridge to drink on the way.
11:00am Frang got us here in rag time in the St Jordan's ambulance. It reminded him of his lost love. Where did he lose her? He said that reminds him to make sure I'll come around his to help dig up his patio. This fanta taste gorgeous.
12:00pm Kieran opens the car door and is protecting us from the redmen customers, I mean fans- I've been hanging out with John Henry too long I guess. The journos are all there and I wave my bottle at them shouting den bitter bloos are all nuggets! You wished you had an Aldofest but yer all blocked! And I'm laughing because I 'll have no comeback, that and I'm out of me skull on speziale brau and buckfast. Quickly think of stinking Bishop to bring me back down.
Kieran tells us that Jurgen has run off to South America after stiffing the Belarusian in a drug deal. Luckily Kenny Dalgish says that even though he has the Chinese Fru, he's symptom free so can take over duties. I'm so happy I could climb a 5G post and knock one off.
Then devastation. Aldo, you've got the legs but your heads gone. I'm going with Rushie and dropping you to the bench. You can wear Rushies wrestling gear and.take part in Rushtlemania instead.
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
12:30pm I walk alone in this storm. Maybe I'll go visit the.Question of Sport thing with Big Bill. He's just getting started when I see my face on all the Aldofest t-shirts. There's me with Nathan from Bournemouth and there's one of me doing the YMCA. I'm just about to read them when Bill says he has an anecdote about a Liverpool great.
"That Emelyn Hughes was a right effing high pitched cu...
Could this get any worse?
To be continued...
- Status