The Secret Diary of Aldo Aged 61 1/2

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Yarrgh said:
14/04/20

9:45am Rock up to Melwood. Feel a wreck but at least I didn't have to change as I slept in my full kit. No Joan to tell me to change into my jimjams. I say slept, but all I was doing was tossing in the bed. Joan said I was always a tosser. Maybe she was right.

10:00am The players assembled would boggle your mind! Everyone a leg end.

GK: Spaghetti Legs.
RB: Jase the Ace McAteer
CB: Torben Picnic
CB: Big Razor Ruddock
LB: Flo Joe Flannagan (I thought he'd be in Rushtlemania but he won't lift his hands against anyone bigger than himself).
MF: Bad Boy Barnsey!
MF: Dan the man Murphy
MF: Chop Souey
MF: Djimi Traore (how hell did he get in?)
ST: SD, Silent but Deadly Sean Dundee!
ST: Super, super John, Super Super John, Super Johnny Aldridge! Get in!

We all get our speziale brau down our necks and Der Kaiser has us getting our ubergugenheimpress heavymetaller football going. I vant to see der energy in the manschaft ja!

What can I say? It's like magic. We're running around like a bunch of Sadio Manes.Neil Ruddock is like seeing an elephant in a ballerina skirt being shot out of a canon. Such grace and speed! To be fair, SD and me up front are solid gold. SD keeps laying the ball back to me off his shins - and blammo the Aldo scores! Everyone is doing well apart from Djimi - what a plank!

11:00am Raze is flagging now. He looks like a fountain with all the sweat pouring off him. If there was an old Chinese fella, I'd push him into Raze! Take that Chinese fru! Barnsey is also blowing out his ar5e - even Murphy is having a go at him. Danny Murphy spent his entire career at the highest level with us, he knows about standards - you can tell by his continuous insightful comments on tv that he's not a man to mess with.

12:00pm Lunch at Melwood! Raze is devouring the pizza and chips. Get stuck in lad. McAteer has got the staff in pieces with his gags. Keep something back for the game Jase! Even Picnic is getting back into the swing of things. We all have to keep 2 metres away. Jurgen shows us what this is by using Raze's belt. Oof!

12:30pm Vell done Fun boys! Wunderbah! Come back tomorrow fur skill practice. Ja? I think ve vill beat those scheisecelebs.

2:00pm I've really equalised on the speziale brau now. Feel good. I wonder who has turned up in the celeb team? Ring up John Henry. He says it's amazing. People are queuing up to get into the team. Can I guess? Who could possibly guess? What a line up we could have! It'll be top secret until the day of the match. Talk about suspense!

3:00pm Talked to our Joan on the phone whilst she's at her sister's house. Tell her to come back. I am in deep training and everything will be back like it was in the glory days. Back when our John John and Juan John were little. Brilliant she says. What about Nathan from Bournemouth. I say Jurgen is training me and I have no need for him now. What about the greased up sessions? I say Jurgen wants to get us pumped up competely dry. She says she has to think about it.

4:00pm Apparently Ian Rush and Prince Andrew are getting on like a house on fire. They have really similar interests! Probably bigger in the 80's and both not the prince of wales that they thought they should be.

6:00pm Slippy rings up to confirm am I still on for Friday evening. I guess. Can I have any details? No. But apparenly Emile Heskey will be there. Talk about bringing out the big guns there! What can he want.

7:00pm Kenny is still not showing any symptoms. Be brave in this time of torment my hero. They should have an ambulance outside on standby. Show some respecto NHS! Might try and organise everyone to come out at 7 (like his number) on Thursday to show their respect. Can you imagine if they did it 8 for Emile instead? Effing ingrates - bet dem bloo nuggets would think of perverting that. Maybe make it for Thursday before Aldofest.

9:00pm Tired, finally. I haven't really kipped for 2 or 3 days now? Time has no meaning for me now. I'm essentially full on milnered with that Speziale Brau. Time for a bit of twitter before crashing.

11:00pm Boy did it kick off! BigPurpsA was asking where was I, and had I foresaken him because i had the fru? No way, I'm just getting them muscles bigger Nathan! Sir Elton has been sewing sequins onto his swimming trunks to make a wrestling outfit. Sheree Murphee is looking for a voice coach urgently (what a perfectionist! Imagine being in Bananarama and still thinking you can improve). Other redmen have been getting involved too. Gary Barlow and Jacob Rees-Mogg are going to do a duet to put us in the mood at the start of the concert.

The only bad news is that the Premier League have still not said when the season will start. Maybe they will save it for Aldofest. Imagine - Aldofest finished and then they have the Merseyside Derby (moved to Anfield because that's only fair because we have been so hard done by with the Chinese fru). And some reds are pointing out that bitter bloo chippy tit mayor wouldn't let us have a parade! Get lost Ando, Aldofest and the parade will be the twin towers to build the good name of the redmen on for ever!

Midnight. Regular Special Brew and bed. Knackered. But happy! This really is going to be our year.
Click to expand...

Best one yet, mate. "Pumped up completely dry." Brilliant.
 
Yarrgh said:
14/04/20

9:45am Rock up to Melwood. Feel a wreck but at least I didn't have to change as I slept in my full kit. No Joan to tell me to change into my jimjams. I say slept, but all I was doing was tossing in the bed. Joan said I was always a tosser. Maybe she was right.

10:00am The players assembled would boggle your mind! Everyone a leg end.

GK: Spaghetti Legs.
RB: Jase the Ace McAteer
CB: Torben Picnic
CB: Big Razor Ruddock
LB: Flo Joe Flannagan (I thought he'd be in Rushtlemania but he won't lift his hands against anyone bigger than himself).
MF: Bad Boy Barnsey!
MF: Dan the man Murphy
MF: Chop Souey
MF: Djimi Traore (how hell did he get in?)
ST: SD, Silent but Deadly Sean Dundee!
ST: Super, super John, Super Super John, Super Johnny Aldridge! Get in!

We all get our speziale brau down our necks and Der Kaiser has us getting our ubergugenheimpress heavymetaller football going. I vant to see der energy in the manschaft ja!

What can I say? It's like magic. We're running around like a bunch of Sadio Manes.Neil Ruddock is like seeing an elephant in a ballerina skirt being shot out of a canon. Such grace and speed! To be fair, SD and me up front are solid gold. SD keeps laying the ball back to me off his shins - and blammo the Aldo scores! Everyone is doing well apart from Djimi - what a plank!

11:00am Raze is flagging now. He looks like a fountain with all the sweat pouring off him. If there was an old Chinese fella, I'd push him into Raze! Take that Chinese fru! Barnsey is also blowing out his ar5e - even Murphy is having a go at him. Danny Murphy spent his entire career at the highest level with us, he knows about standards - you can tell by his continuous insightful comments on tv that he's not a man to mess with.

12:00pm Lunch at Melwood! Raze is devouring the pizza and chips. Get stuck in lad. McAteer has got the staff in pieces with his gags. Keep something back for the game Jase! Even Picnic is getting back into the swing of things. We all have to keep 2 metres away. Jurgen shows us what this is by using Raze's belt. Oof!

12:30pm Vell done Fun boys! Wunderbah! Come back tomorrow fur skill practice. Ja? I think ve vill beat those scheisecelebs.

2:00pm I've really equalised on the speziale brau now. Feel good. I wonder who has turned up in the celeb team? Ring up John Henry. He says it's amazing. People are queuing up to get into the team. Can I guess? Who could possibly guess? What a line up we could have! It'll be top secret until the day of the match. Talk about suspense!

3:00pm Talked to our Joan on the phone whilst she's at her sister's house. Tell her to come back. I am in deep training and everything will be back like it was in the glory days. Back when our John John and Juan John were little. Brilliant she says. What about Nathan from Bournemouth. I say Jurgen is training me and I have no need for him now. What about the greased up sessions? I say Jurgen wants to get us pumped up competely dry. She says she has to think about it.

4:00pm Apparently Ian Rush and Prince Andrew are getting on like a house on fire. They have really similar interests! Probably bigger in the 80's and both not the prince of wales that they thought they should be.

6:00pm Slippy rings up to confirm am I still on for Friday evening. I guess. Can I have any details? No. But apparenly Emile Heskey will be there. Talk about bringing out the big guns there! What can he want.

7:00pm Kenny is still not showing any symptoms. Be brave in this time of torment my hero. They should have an ambulance outside on standby. Show some respecto NHS! Might try and organise everyone to come out at 7 (like his number) on Thursday to show their respect. Can you imagine if they did it 8 for Emile instead? Effing ingrates - bet dem bloo nuggets would think of perverting that. Maybe make it for Thursday before Aldofest.

9:00pm Tired, finally. I haven't really kipped for 2 or 3 days now? Time has no meaning for me now. I'm essentially full on milnered with that Speziale Brau. Time for a bit of twitter before crashing.

11:00pm Boy did it kick off! BigPurpsA was asking where was I, and had I foresaken him because i had the fru? No way, I'm just getting them muscles bigger Nathan! Sir Elton has been sewing sequins onto his swimming trunks to make a wrestling outfit. Sheree Murphee is looking for a voice coach urgently (what a perfectionist! Imagine being in Bananarama and still thinking you can improve). Other redmen have been getting involved too. Gary Barlow and Jacob Rees-Mogg are going to do a duet to put us in the mood at the start of the concert.

The only bad news is that the Premier League have still not said when the season will start. Maybe they will save it for Aldofest. Imagine - Aldofest finished and then they have the Merseyside Derby (moved to Anfield because that's only fair because we have been so hard done by with the Chinese fru). And some reds are pointing out that bitter bloo chippy tit mayor wouldn't let us have a parade! Get lost Ando, Aldofest and the parade will be the twin towers to build the good name of the redmen on for ever!

Midnight. Regular Special Brew and bed. Knackered. But happy! This really is going to be our year.
Click to expand...

Still laughing at Prince Andrew and Rushie getting on like a house on fire lol
 
Yarrgh said:
14/04/20

9:45am Rock up to Melwood. Feel a wreck but at least I didn't have to change as I slept in my full kit. No Joan to tell me to change into my jimjams. I say slept, but all I was doing was tossing in the bed. Joan said I was always a tosser. Maybe she was right.

10:00am The players assembled would boggle your mind! Everyone a leg end.

GK: Spaghetti Legs.
RB: Jase the Ace McAteer
CB: Torben Picnic
CB: Big Razor Ruddock
LB: Flo Joe Flannagan (I thought he'd be in Rushtlemania but he won't lift his hands against anyone bigger than himself).
MF: Bad Boy Barnsey!
MF: Dan the man Murphy
MF: Chop Souey
MF: Djimi Traore (how hell did he get in?)
ST: SD, Silent but Deadly Sean Dundee!
ST: Super, super John, Super Super John, Super Johnny Aldridge! Get in!

We all get our speziale brau down our necks and Der Kaiser has us getting our ubergugenheimpress heavymetaller football going. I vant to see der energy in the manschaft ja!

What can I say? It's like magic. We're running around like a bunch of Sadio Manes.Neil Ruddock is like seeing an elephant in a ballerina skirt being shot out of a canon. Such grace and speed! To be fair, SD and me up front are solid gold. SD keeps laying the ball back to me off his shins - and blammo the Aldo scores! Everyone is doing well apart from Djimi - what a plank!

11:00am Raze is flagging now. He looks like a fountain with all the sweat pouring off him. If there was an old Chinese fella, I'd push him into Raze! Take that Chinese fru! Barnsey is also blowing out his ar5e - even Murphy is having a go at him. Danny Murphy spent his entire career at the highest level with us, he knows about standards - you can tell by his continuous insightful comments on tv that he's not a man to mess with.

12:00pm Lunch at Melwood! Raze is devouring the pizza and chips. Get stuck in lad. McAteer has got the staff in pieces with his gags. Keep something back for the game Jase! Even Picnic is getting back into the swing of things. We all have to keep 2 metres away. Jurgen shows us what this is by using Raze's belt. Oof!

12:30pm Vell done Fun boys! Wunderbah! Come back tomorrow fur skill practice. Ja? I think ve vill beat those scheisecelebs.

2:00pm I've really equalised on the speziale brau now. Feel good. I wonder who has turned up in the celeb team? Ring up John Henry. He says it's amazing. People are queuing up to get into the team. Can I guess? Who could possibly guess? What a line up we could have! It'll be top secret until the day of the match. Talk about suspense!

3:00pm Talked to our Joan on the phone whilst she's at her sister's house. Tell her to come back. I am in deep training and everything will be back like it was in the glory days. Back when our John John and Juan John were little. Brilliant she says. What about Nathan from Bournemouth. I say Jurgen is training me and I have no need for him now. What about the greased up sessions? I say Jurgen wants to get us pumped up competely dry. She says she has to think about it.

4:00pm Apparently Ian Rush and Prince Andrew are getting on like a house on fire. They have really similar interests! Probably bigger in the 80's and both not the prince of wales that they thought they should be.

6:00pm Slippy rings up to confirm am I still on for Friday evening. I guess. Can I have any details? No. But apparenly Emile Heskey will be there. Talk about bringing out the big guns there! What can he want.

7:00pm Kenny is still not showing any symptoms. Be brave in this time of torment my hero. They should have an ambulance outside on standby. Show some respecto NHS! Might try and organise everyone to come out at 7 (like his number) on Thursday to show their respect. Can you imagine if they did it 8 for Emile instead? Effing ingrates - bet dem bloo nuggets would think of perverting that. Maybe make it for Thursday before Aldofest.

9:00pm Tired, finally. I haven't really kipped for 2 or 3 days now? Time has no meaning for me now. I'm essentially full on milnered with that Speziale Brau. Time for a bit of twitter before crashing.

11:00pm Boy did it kick off! BigPurpsA was asking where was I, and had I foresaken him because i had the fru? No way, I'm just getting them muscles bigger Nathan! Sir Elton has been sewing sequins onto his swimming trunks to make a wrestling outfit. Sheree Murphee is looking for a voice coach urgently (what a perfectionist! Imagine being in Bananarama and still thinking you can improve). Other redmen have been getting involved too. Gary Barlow and Jacob Rees-Mogg are going to do a duet to put us in the mood at the start of the concert.

The only bad news is that the Premier League have still not said when the season will start. Maybe they will save it for Aldofest. Imagine - Aldofest finished and then they have the Merseyside Derby (moved to Anfield because that's only fair because we have been so hard done by with the Chinese fru). And some reds are pointing out that bitter bloo chippy tit mayor wouldn't let us have a parade! Get lost Ando, Aldofest and the parade will be the twin towers to build the good name of the redmen on for ever!

Midnight. Regular Special Brew and bed. Knackered. But happy! This really is going to be our year.
Click to expand...
Our Joe is grinding Aldo's gears!!
 
16/04/20

9:30am Finally got some kip. Need to change my clothes - I have been in them for 2 days straight and stink like Raze's backside after a 5 yard sprint.

10:00am Good job I have a base level of speziale brau in me. I jogged over to Melwood in about 20 minutes. It's good gear this! I bet I could even catch the pigeon now. Just put Dick Dastardly theme tune on my mobile to remind me to chase a pigeon when I hear it. The lads are all in great shape. Jurgen gets us fun boys on the brau and it's off we go. Everything is going great until Chops and Barnesy have a clash.

Typical mutters Souey. What's that meant to mean says Barnesy - he won't let it drop. Only one way to end this! Rap Battle. Souey stinks out the place - He's more Rab MC Nesbitt than Eminem. He sounds like Jimmy Krankie after his balls have dropped. Barnesy is smooth - he's had a number 1 rap cameo and was the definitive style master of old skool Anfield Rap. Drop the mic Barnesy, Souey hasn't got the chops no more. Souey then goes big and demands that Barnesy lash his medals on the table. Everyone is booing Souey. Get lost Souey, you are a loser no matter what medals you have. Booo!

Big Jurgs gives us all an extra tin of speziale brau and we all soon forget about it. I have to say my shooting is boss.

12:00 Back at the canteen at old Smelly Melly as we call Melwood. It's McAteer's gag. He's full of them. I'm on me phone tweeting them all the time now. The redmen on the internet are all loving it. Jurgen's got the furloughed catering staff back in. (Note to self: tell the Echo to look at the bloos and their non direct-employed staff. If they're like the red ones, it's a scandal that needs looking at, taking tax payer money that should be going to help us - they're as bad as the NHS! I might get St Jordan a bucket so he can go around the crowd asking for change at Aldofest, they'll appreciate that). Special Germanic feast from the Jurgenmeister!

Tweet a pic of me scoffing a huge bratwurst - Smelly Melly is stuffing me with the big sausage now! #YNWA

Brilliant:

KeirantheSteward: Can you take more than 80% of it before you choke?
Lovin' it Special K! Of course I can! Hahaha.
IDrinkFanta: How about wearing some liedrhosen?
Haha, that wouldn't be you would it Scruff? They'd sure save me from a spanking! Hahaha.
Milnerindecline: Can you share any Spezial Brau, I feel weak
No way, get your own! What are you? A bitter bloo. Need to be strong and fresh like us redmen!
BigPurps: Oooooo jelly much.
Hahaha. Tweet him back that'll I save him some of the extra long spicy sausage that they are keeping for the league title celebrations.

1:00pm See Ian Rush and Prince Andrew buying some werther's originals at the shop. They're telling a couple of kids that they found some puppies in a shed near by. Everyone is really pulling together to make life good for all in these troubled times. I don't like to brag, but I'm a little like Gandhi. I don't wear flip flops or a bedsheet, but I'm not racist so perhaps it's a look I could try out to make the Oslovian and Malaysian fans more at home (as long as they don't bring the fru with them, the dirty b******ds).

2:00pm Kenny is out of hospital. Fortunately he showed no symptoms and recovered straight away. I'm so relieved. Everyone is. #PrayersforKenny. Can you imagine if he had gone into the hospital with all them sick people with the fru? I'd have cried my eyes out like all of us would have.

3:00pm Our Joan has seen the tweet from Melwood with me gobbling that huge sausage. She's just called, and said she almost believed me yesterday. What she on about? If she's not coming back this week can Sir Elton kip on the sofa bed with Davy Furnish. Now she wants to come back - that's the magic of Sir Elton for you!

4:30pm I feel great. Had a shower and am now going full on Gandhi with the bedsheet. Very comfy. Plenty of air around the little Aldos. Phone call from that Blue Bill asking me if he knew that John Henry wants me to come collect the old chang from his house for Aldofest. Always about saving money is John - he just wants to give all the proceeds to charity.

5:30 Finally at Blue Bill's house and he likes the bedsheet fashion. ooh nice he says. What a luvvie! Mind you he is right, it does look like a toga. I borrow that big bully Dunc's wagon and am soon on the road with a tanker load of chang. No sat nav and there's about a million gears! I can't drive that. I have to call me big mate Frang who is a truck driver to help me out. We're soon on the road, both got a pot noodle on the go. It's a dream life this mate!

6:00 Drive past a bus stop and there's big bad jeff bothering some skinny girl in black with his polaroid camera. He's a bell whiff him Aldo says Frang. I agree. I tell him that I can't thank him enough and if he ever needs a favour returning. The cockwomble is straight on to that! Can I help him dig a patio up at his house as something under it is starting to stink. Well it'll have to be after Aldofest.

7:00pm Finally at Anfield. No one to welcome us! Bit rubbish that lads. No one showing us the way with a flare or even lobbing a bottle or stone. Standards are dropping in this lockdown. Souey is there finishing off emptying a lorry. Jamie C is helping him out. I'm fewming Aldo, says Jamie, he only thought he was going round Souey's to borrow a dvd of Spit or Swallow 7. (He must be in training after that incident with that gobby manc kid taunting him) Jamie lost a game of lash your medals on the table and he had to help him move the food over to Anfield for Aldofest. It's all coming together.

8:00pm Home time. Let Frang take the truck back to Dunc and Bill's house. I can't be bothered with them two bitter bloos, so I decide to walk home. My phone rings and that Stop the pigeon music comes on. I'm inspired, I'm chasing pigeons through town like a good un! They're all too quick, the speziale brau is wearing off I reckon.

9:00pm To be fair, that wasn't that bad a Wednesday. Joan's coming back, I'm in training, Aldofest is looking after itself more or less now that John Henry is taking care of it. Even Prince Andrew is making himself useful. Off to the internet with a can of regular special brew.

10:00pm Apparently there was a crazy Roman in town chasing birds. I reckon John Henry has pulled some strings and the Chelsea owner will be playing for the celeb team. Mind you, his legs will be gone if he's after the women all night this close to a match.

11:00pm Twitter is going off the wall right now. Apparently that young lady who went to the shed with Rush and Andy is well upset. The puppies must have run away when her dad turned up and went with them. That's a shame.

12:00pm Jeremy Corbyn has just tweeted that he is only wrrestling because of my pro-Jordan (saint) and anti-Israel comments last week. Idan Tal has just called me a nugget and Judas Barmby has said I'm lower than a rattlesnake's belly. I tweet out to the entire nation of Israel that no one has ever been more persecuted than me and my people, the tribe of redmen. Anyway, I'm off to bed. Only 3 more sleeps to Aldofest. Get in!
 
Yarrgh said:
16/04/20

9:30am Finally got some kip. Need to change my clothes - I have been in them for 2 days straight and stink like Raze's backside after a 5 yard sprint.

10:00am Good job I have a base level of speziale brau in me. I jogged over to Melwood in about 20 minutes. It's good gear this! I bet I could even catch the pigeon now. Just put [Poor language removed] Dastardly theme tune on my mobile to remind me to chase a pigeon when I hear it. The lads are all in great shape. Jurgen gets us fun boys on the brau and it's off we go. Everything is going great until Chops and Barnesy have a clash.

Typical mutters Souey. What's that meant to mean says Barnesy - he won't let it drop. Only one way to end this! Rap Battle. Souey stinks out the place - He's more Rab MC Nesbitt than Eminem. He sounds like Jimmy Krankie after his balls have dropped. Barnesy is smooth - he's had a number 1 rap cameo and was the definitive style master of old skool Anfield Rap. Drop the mic Barnesy, Souey hasn't got the chops no more. Souey then goes big and demands that Barnesy lash his medals on the table. Everyone is booing Souey. Get lost Souey, you are a loser no matter what medals you have. Booo!

Big Jurgs gives us all an extra tin of speziale brau and we all soon forget about it. I have to say my shooting is boss.

12:00 Back at the canteen at old Smelly Melly as we call Melwood. It's McAteer's gag. He's full of them. I'm on me phone tweeting them all the time now. The redmen on the internet are all loving it. Jurgen's got the furloughed catering staff back in. (Note to self: tell the Echo to look at the bloos and their non direct-employed staff. If they're like the red ones, it's a scandal that needs looking at, taking tax payer money that should be going to help us - they're as bad as the NHS! I might get St Jordan a bucket so he can go around the crowd asking for change at Aldofest, they'll appreciate that). Special Germanic feast from the Jurgenmeister!

Tweet a pic of me scoffing a huge bratwurst - Smelly Melly is stuffing me with the big sausage now! #YNWA

Brilliant:

KeirantheSteward: Can you take more than 80% of it before you choke?
Lovin' it Special K! Of course I can! Hahaha.
IDrinkFanta: How about wearing some liedrhosen?
Haha, that wouldn't be you would it Scruff? They'd sure save me from a spanking! Hahaha.
Milnerindecline: Can you share any Spezial Brau, I feel weak
No way, get your own! What are you? A bitter bloo. Need to be strong and fresh like us redmen!
BigPurps: Oooooo jelly much.
Hahaha. Tweet him back that'll I save him some of the extra long spicy sausage that they are keeping for the league title celebrations.

1:00pm See Ian Rush and Prince Andrew buying some werther's originals at the shop. They're telling a couple of kids that they found some puppies in a shed near by. Everyone is really pulling together to make life good for all in these troubled times. I don't like to brag, but I'm a little like Gandhi. I don't wear flip flops or a bedsheet, but I'm not racist so perhaps it's a look I could try out to make the Oslovian and Malaysian fans more at home (as long as they don't bring the fru with them, the dirty b******ds).

2:00pm Kenny is out of hospital. Fortunately he showed no symptoms and recovered straight away. I'm so relieved. Everyone is. #PrayersforKenny. Can you imagine if he had gone into the hospital with all them sick people with the fru? I'd have cried my eyes out like all of us would have.

3:00pm Our Joan has seen the tweet from Melwood with me gobbling that huge sausage. She's just called, and said she almost believed me yesterday. What she on about? If she's not coming back this week can Sir Elton kip on the sofa bed with Davy Furnish. Now she wants to come back - that's the magic of Sir Elton for you!

4:30pm I feel great. Had a shower and am now going full on Gandhi with the bedsheet. Very comfy. Plenty of air around the little Aldos. Phone call from that Blue Bill asking me if he knew that John Henry wants me to come collect the old chang from his house for Aldofest. Always about saving money is John - he just wants to give all the proceeds to charity.

5:30 Finally at Blue Bill's house and he likes the bedsheet fashion. ooh nice he says. What a luvvie! Mind you he is right, it does look like a toga. I borrow that big bully Dunc's wagon and am soon on the road with a tanker load of chang. No sat nav and there's about a million gears! I can't drive that. I have to call me big mate Frang who is a truck driver to help me out. We're soon on the road, both got a pot noodle on the go. It's a dream life this mate!

6:00 Drive past a bus stop and there's big bad jeff bothering some skinny girl in black with his polaroid camera. He's a bell whiff him Aldo says Frang. I agree. I tell him that I can't thank him enough and if he ever needs a favour returning. The cockwomble is straight on to that! Can I help him dig a patio up at his house as something under it is starting to stink. Well it'll have to be after Aldofest.

7:00pm Finally at Anfield. No one to welcome us! Bit rubbish that lads. No one showing us the way with a flare or even lobbing a bottle or stone. Standards are dropping in this lockdown. Souey is there finishing off emptying a lorry. Jamie C is helping him out. I'm fewming Aldo, says Jamie, he only thought he was going round Souey's to borrow a dvd of Spit or Swallow 7. (He must be in training after that incident with that gobby manc kid taunting him) Jamie lost a game of lash your medals on the table and he had to help him move the food over to Anfield for Aldofest. It's all coming together.

8:00pm Home time. Let Frang take the truck back to Dunc and Bill's house. I can't be bothered with them two bitter bloos, so I decide to walk home. My phone rings and that Stop the pigeon music comes on. I'm inspired, I'm chasing pigeons through town like a good un! They're all too quick, the speziale brau is wearing off I reckon.

9:00pm To be fair, that wasn't that bad a Wednesday. Joan's coming back, I'm in training, Aldofest is looking after itself more or less now that John Henry is taking care of it. Even Prince Andrew is making himself useful. Off to the internet with a can of regular special brew.

10:00pm Apparently there was a crazy Roman in town chasing birds. I reckon John Henry has pulled some strings and the Chelsea owner will be playing for the celeb team. Mind you, his legs will be gone if he's after the women all night this close to a match.

11:00pm Twitter is going off the wall right now. Apparently that young lady who went to the shed with Rush and Andy is well upset. The puppies must have run away when her dad turned up and went with them. That's a shame.

12:00pm Jeremy Corbyn has just tweeted that he is only wrrestling because of my pro-Jordan (saint) and anti-Israel comments last week. Idan Tal has just called me a nugget and Judas Barmby has said I'm lower than a rattlesnake's belly. I tweet out to the entire nation of Israel that no one has ever been more persecuted than me and my people, the tribe of redmen. Anyway, I'm off to bed. Only 3 more sleeps to Aldofest. Get in!
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To get @kieran , @Frang and @bigbadjeff in together, plus Rushie and Prince Andrew with puppies in the shed lol lol lol
 
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