Aki
The Secret Diary of Aldo Aged 61 1/2
- Thread starter Yarrgh
- Start date
- Status
Aki
Yarrgh
Player Valuation: £80m
28/04/20
6:00am Stare into the abyss. Or in other words my ring piece after our Joan went mental with her life sized Ainsley Harriet strap on. Can't even watch Ready Steady Cook now. Percy Pepper has traumatised me.
6:30am John Henry called from Boston. Can't get the time difference right the plank. He has just counted the money from Aldofest. £18 million!!! He says the charity is costing £9 million or so a week, and can I think of anything else? I'll think of something. Gotta help out charity.
7:00am Re-clench and back to the old Aldo, mission for the redmen charity accepted. What can I do that will make £9 million for the next week? I wonder what the charity is?!? I will definitely ask.
8:00am No speziale brau in the system, and Herr Klopmeister has vanished. Good job I know a few South American specialists in Huyton. They'll track him down.
11:00am Pigeon racing competition? That bully Duncan has gone off to Wembley with Fylde Athletic so I can't ask him. Pity. Bet there's no brass in that either.
Noon. Finally someone I know. It's Dirk from the Goonies. Ya Aldo, did yu hear da bad news from Holland? Nah mate what was it? They ur shooting the loog. Me neither? Probably stoned the dutch git. He's no Virgil.
2:00pm That Mo Salah was out in the docks flying a kite and young Robbo was walking his whippet. Won't be able to do that soon when dem bitter bloos build that eyesore. Maybe some kind of protest is needed? If only there was an open top bus and parade route booked on an annual basis that never gets used and was free for me to use? Hmmm.
2:10pm The Dutch League is shut down. Dirk you absolute weapon, speaka da English. No Respecto from these foreign lads. Apart from St Mo and the lovely Brazilians the reds are sporting at the minute.
2:30pm Only ol' Pongo Pongolle at the park and he's getting battered by Djimi and Spaghetti Legs. Calm down lads, what's up? Frencho here has cancelled the league. Says it's asterix time. The Gaul of it*!! Give ol' Pongo a hoof myself. Pongo yer a disgrace.
3:00pm I go around to Kenny's and he is still showing no symptoms - I'm really worried. I tell him he needs to take it easy as he is a legend. He tells me that he has Big Purps coming around to give him a massage. Great stuff, but I hope he doesn't get that chancer from Bournemouth pretending to be him. Kenny tells us that his missus has been speaking to our Joan and that she said our Joan came up with a great idea to cheer him up over his chinese fru. I made my excuses and left - I was blushing bright red. Poor Kenny, he's very frail with this Chinese fru - if he gets Ainsleyed he'll not recover - I hope Big Purps can relax him before hand - maybe even stick some oil in his backside to make it easier on the old guy.
4:00pm Big Purps said no problem so that's one thing sorted. What to do for the charity? It's a parade for the honour of the redmen. Aldo's honour parade? Not quite right... Aldo's Respecto Parade? Nah not got that ring.
5:00pm Special brew and a pot noodle around at Frang's. We dig up a bin bag with an old heavy bit of carpet in it from underneath his patio. He's made up. Tells me if we have a parade and need a heavy goods vehicle driver he's the man. What about buses? Sure no probs!
6:00pm on twitter and that gobby bitter bloo Mayer Chippy Tits is moaning at my idea of a parade. Keeps talking about Corona. I think he is thinking of the old pop delivery van. We'll be using a bus you nugget. He says I should be ashamed. The Anfield Wrap say I am the pride of Liverpool! Nice one guys.
7:00pm Aldo's Pride of Liverpool Parade. Lovely stuff there. And it's going off big time on the internet.
Somebitterbloonugget: What about social distancing?
BLOCKED
Fishthehorsepuncher: We'd love to send down some lads from Newcastle like, in honour of being taken over by a Saudi despot and we need some sportswashing.
Fair enough - Yer not blocked.
Keiran: I managed to swim out of the diarrhea tsunami and if you need any security, I'm in!
Already got a plan!
Fishthehorsepuncher: Did dat Keiran call us the toon army a big bunch of [Poor language removed]?
Bloody hell, you're going to be hard work pal. How much can your Saudi owner donate to charity?
LiverpoolPride: We are already having a Pride Parade in Liverpool! Let's join forces - you are an inspiration to us Aldo!
Uh band wagon jumper but hey ho, yer in! It's going to be super flamboyant supposedly. I reckon the Brazillian lads might get the carnivale spirit up.
10:00pm Apparently Guatemala League Stalwarts Merdarossa FC have just came out of nowhere with surprisingly strong performance levels under a new mystery coach who wears a mask like a Mexican wrestler (if the mask was made out of a fleece snood) called El Jurgo. He is very passionate and employing an attacking trident and utilising the low block effectively. I have no idea what that means, but it sounds like my type of footy.
11:00pm Our Joan is finally asleep. So she won't be bothering me with thing again. Apparently she got an extra one free for being the 1,000,000th customer from Hammerstoys.com and it was delivered by that Moyes the van driver. She knows where she can shove that, and that's what is scaring me. Looks like it should be a good day tomorrow, that's what the barometer is saying anyway. What to put in the Aldo Liverpool Pride March to entertain the masses? Needs to be big! Bigger than Aldofest.
*apologies to @daza_1973
6:00am Stare into the abyss. Or in other words my ring piece after our Joan went mental with her life sized Ainsley Harriet strap on. Can't even watch Ready Steady Cook now. Percy Pepper has traumatised me.
6:30am John Henry called from Boston. Can't get the time difference right the plank. He has just counted the money from Aldofest. £18 million!!! He says the charity is costing £9 million or so a week, and can I think of anything else? I'll think of something. Gotta help out charity.
7:00am Re-clench and back to the old Aldo, mission for the redmen charity accepted. What can I do that will make £9 million for the next week? I wonder what the charity is?!? I will definitely ask.
8:00am No speziale brau in the system, and Herr Klopmeister has vanished. Good job I know a few South American specialists in Huyton. They'll track him down.
11:00am Pigeon racing competition? That bully Duncan has gone off to Wembley with Fylde Athletic so I can't ask him. Pity. Bet there's no brass in that either.
Noon. Finally someone I know. It's Dirk from the Goonies. Ya Aldo, did yu hear da bad news from Holland? Nah mate what was it? They ur shooting the loog. Me neither? Probably stoned the dutch git. He's no Virgil.
2:00pm That Mo Salah was out in the docks flying a kite and young Robbo was walking his whippet. Won't be able to do that soon when dem bitter bloos build that eyesore. Maybe some kind of protest is needed? If only there was an open top bus and parade route booked on an annual basis that never gets used and was free for me to use? Hmmm.
2:10pm The Dutch League is shut down. Dirk you absolute weapon, speaka da English. No Respecto from these foreign lads. Apart from St Mo and the lovely Brazilians the reds are sporting at the minute.
2:30pm Only ol' Pongo Pongolle at the park and he's getting battered by Djimi and Spaghetti Legs. Calm down lads, what's up? Frencho here has cancelled the league. Says it's asterix time. The Gaul of it*!! Give ol' Pongo a hoof myself. Pongo yer a disgrace.
3:00pm I go around to Kenny's and he is still showing no symptoms - I'm really worried. I tell him he needs to take it easy as he is a legend. He tells me that he has Big Purps coming around to give him a massage. Great stuff, but I hope he doesn't get that chancer from Bournemouth pretending to be him. Kenny tells us that his missus has been speaking to our Joan and that she said our Joan came up with a great idea to cheer him up over his chinese fru. I made my excuses and left - I was blushing bright red. Poor Kenny, he's very frail with this Chinese fru - if he gets Ainsleyed he'll not recover - I hope Big Purps can relax him before hand - maybe even stick some oil in his backside to make it easier on the old guy.
4:00pm Big Purps said no problem so that's one thing sorted. What to do for the charity? It's a parade for the honour of the redmen. Aldo's honour parade? Not quite right... Aldo's Respecto Parade? Nah not got that ring.
5:00pm Special brew and a pot noodle around at Frang's. We dig up a bin bag with an old heavy bit of carpet in it from underneath his patio. He's made up. Tells me if we have a parade and need a heavy goods vehicle driver he's the man. What about buses? Sure no probs!
6:00pm on twitter and that gobby bitter bloo Mayer Chippy Tits is moaning at my idea of a parade. Keeps talking about Corona. I think he is thinking of the old pop delivery van. We'll be using a bus you nugget. He says I should be ashamed. The Anfield Wrap say I am the pride of Liverpool! Nice one guys.
7:00pm Aldo's Pride of Liverpool Parade. Lovely stuff there. And it's going off big time on the internet.
Somebitterbloonugget: What about social distancing?
BLOCKED
Fishthehorsepuncher: We'd love to send down some lads from Newcastle like, in honour of being taken over by a Saudi despot and we need some sportswashing.
Fair enough - Yer not blocked.
Keiran: I managed to swim out of the diarrhea tsunami and if you need any security, I'm in!
Already got a plan!
Fishthehorsepuncher: Did dat Keiran call us the toon army a big bunch of [Poor language removed]?
Bloody hell, you're going to be hard work pal. How much can your Saudi owner donate to charity?
LiverpoolPride: We are already having a Pride Parade in Liverpool! Let's join forces - you are an inspiration to us Aldo!
Uh band wagon jumper but hey ho, yer in! It's going to be super flamboyant supposedly. I reckon the Brazillian lads might get the carnivale spirit up.
10:00pm Apparently Guatemala League Stalwarts Merdarossa FC have just came out of nowhere with surprisingly strong performance levels under a new mystery coach who wears a mask like a Mexican wrestler (if the mask was made out of a fleece snood) called El Jurgo. He is very passionate and employing an attacking trident and utilising the low block effectively. I have no idea what that means, but it sounds like my type of footy.
11:00pm Our Joan is finally asleep. So she won't be bothering me with thing again. Apparently she got an extra one free for being the 1,000,000th customer from Hammerstoys.com and it was delivered by that Moyes the van driver. She knows where she can shove that, and that's what is scaring me. Looks like it should be a good day tomorrow, that's what the barometer is saying anyway. What to put in the Aldo Liverpool Pride March to entertain the masses? Needs to be big! Bigger than Aldofest.
*apologies to @daza_1973
Dario Terracotta
Player Valuation: £70m
Highlight of lockdown day, more Aldo,cheers Yarrgh!!!
NathDogg
Player Valuation: £60m
Pure genius Yarrgh, tremendous stuff!
Can’t wait for Aldo Pride lol
Yarrgh
Player Valuation: £80m
7:00am Up with the pigeons today! Got to get my Pride Parade (Pride Rally? Pride March? - I bet that gobby get Rush has come up with one the dirty nugget).
8:00am Our Joan shouts do I fancy some sausage for breakfast. I almost say yes, but honestly I don't know what got into her recently -I'm not like that, but suddenly she's all up for kinky stuff. Whatever happened to normal fellas like Big Purps and Boring Brendan Rodgers who don't like deviant lifestyle stuff in the bedroom.
9:00am Hit the streets and get hustling. That's the Aldo way. First off who knows how to put on a big parade full of happy proud redmen? How about the fellas at the Anfield Wrap and the equally impartial Echo (home of the Aldo Column! by ace reporter Aldo, get in lad. I don't actually write it but put an asterisk next to my name already - it's just some student typing up what I say.)
The lads at the Anfield Wrap say they will provide a load of banners with snappy redmen banter on. Hold on lads, how many words this ain't twitter. They promise me War and Peace - calm down lads, I just want a big book's worth not fighting. The Echo are too busy fixing up the back page saying that Liverpool are helping the NHS by writing a message of support on the pitch - who could ask for more? I'm weeping tears here, it really does mean more. To be impartial to dem bitter bloos, there's some nonsense about players contacting elderly fans online and raising morale - bloody glory hunting and trying to shoehorn their way onto our single handed saving of the NHS. Jerks!
11:00am Banners - check! Bus driver - check! Keiran on security - check! Fat Geordies to fill out the crowd - check! Gonna be blinding! But now I need a big open top bus - surely they don;t have one just mothballed in Liverpool colours waiting for such an event do they? And some acts - but not Sheree Murphy unless she can get the rest of Banarama in - her solo stuff was a bit weak. Guess who I meet outside the corner shop? Bloody Spaghetti Legs and Djimi still laughing about ol' Pongo getting a shoeing yesterday. Bloody deserved it for cancelling his league in France. Don't dem French understand that it means more over here for us reds?
12:00am (or is it pm - don't know, does anyone really know?) Raze turns up. He's all red and sweaty after riding his bike. Bloody hell he wheezes, I've lost a ton of weight, I haven't had a Greggs in over a month and not even Fat Sam in Bolton can get gravy for love nor money. When will this fru end Aldo he asks and has even resorted to eating meat substitute pies!!! Hold your head up high and don't be afraid of the quorn I tell him. I tell him to come to my Pride Event and tell everyone that with social distancing he hasn't had a good meaty stuffing in ages and is making do with artificial substitutes for his regular Gregg's servicing.
1:00pm Get in Barnsey lad. He only has a steel drum and is going to play some calypso beats. Bobby from the first team is going to dress up in feathers and stuff and sort out the carnivale atmosphere. If Liverpools Greatest Best Talent is Quality is something that we can all agree is the LGBTQ that them pride fellas are on about, then Bobby F is definintely bringing the T. For talent obviously!
2:00pm Sir Elton rings up and can't make it. He's made up with Andy Carroll and is going campervanning with him in Wales. Nice!
3:00pm Rushie has told Kenny that he is about to have an event with Prince Andrew celebrating the 70s. That's quite a good idea as the reds were brilliant in the 70s. They are planning to get a load of celebrities in. He's got the royal connections and I've not got nada, not even Elton John seems interested. Who can I get in before Rush steals the lime light again?
5:00pm McAteer has told me to get on the big Merdarossa FC game in Guatemala tonight. They're playing St Domingos at home in a derby match at home in Stadio del Mordor. Guess who is up front? Sean bleedin' Dundee. I'll stick a monkey on that gibbon.
7:00pm Rushie online now and has announced that he has a John Peel tribute at his event and it'll be run by Pete Townsend out of the Who. Sounds boss that. I'm struggling to see Barnesy and Bobby competing against that. Plus they have sorted out a very special celebrity redman but won't say who it is. That's suspense. Rushie and Andy are the PT Barnum of footy/royal collaborations - they make Prince William and Delli Ali look like rank amateurs.
8:00pm Liverpool Pride are on the blower and are delighted with Barnes and Bobby and their Calypso-Brazillian coupling. V v inclusiff that Aldo says the lad from Pride - he is says he is wearing an Aldofest t-shirt with the wording 'The league won't shaft us, because it's the redmen who are top so we do the shafting." That sounds like something I'd say.
9:00pm John Henry called me just as I was cracking up my first tin of the old special brew. He says if I can't sell the sizzle of Aldo's Big Fat Pride thing then he's backing Rushie. That's not even it's name. I'm pretty down after that. I ask him about what charity it's all for (finally rmembered!) and he says that his microphone is breaking up and can't hear me. Maybe next time I'll find out.
10:00pm Souey's been on the phone in tears. No new extension to the stand. I'm on the floor. I know the country is a bit down right now, but that has to be the most devastating news anyone in their right mind has heard for a long time. How else are we going to shoe horn another couple of planeloads into the ground. It's not fair. I tell him not to worry. Loads of reds on line are saying they'll do what it takes.
@MickyS: I'll lift up the paving slabs meself whilst everyone is sleeping to get it started
@invisiblebusattacker: If you need any pyro for demo work, I've got loads!
@GeordieSheik: Eel get me mates th' Reubens tae knock ye oot an extensioon, It'll be canny.
Thanks lads. Always a comfort!
11:00pm terrible news from Kenny. He is still not showing any symptoms of the Chinese fru. When will his torment ever end?
12:00am (the night one - which is it?) Merdarossa FC just won against 8 men St Domingo. Sean got the only goal after VAR review. The ref Cleevio Tomasso had to send of 3 players for the away team for complaining that the whistle had gone 5 minutes before Dundee scored and they were all in the changing rooms and all the fans had gone home already. Bitter! Bitter bitter nuggets. El Jurgo might be in trouble after smacking a ball boy. Good stuff! Almost taken my mind off no acts to compete with Rushie. Better get my thinking cap on.
8:00am Our Joan shouts do I fancy some sausage for breakfast. I almost say yes, but honestly I don't know what got into her recently -I'm not like that, but suddenly she's all up for kinky stuff. Whatever happened to normal fellas like Big Purps and Boring Brendan Rodgers who don't like deviant lifestyle stuff in the bedroom.
9:00am Hit the streets and get hustling. That's the Aldo way. First off who knows how to put on a big parade full of happy proud redmen? How about the fellas at the Anfield Wrap and the equally impartial Echo (home of the Aldo Column! by ace reporter Aldo, get in lad. I don't actually write it but put an asterisk next to my name already - it's just some student typing up what I say.)
The lads at the Anfield Wrap say they will provide a load of banners with snappy redmen banter on. Hold on lads, how many words this ain't twitter. They promise me War and Peace - calm down lads, I just want a big book's worth not fighting. The Echo are too busy fixing up the back page saying that Liverpool are helping the NHS by writing a message of support on the pitch - who could ask for more? I'm weeping tears here, it really does mean more. To be impartial to dem bitter bloos, there's some nonsense about players contacting elderly fans online and raising morale - bloody glory hunting and trying to shoehorn their way onto our single handed saving of the NHS. Jerks!
11:00am Banners - check! Bus driver - check! Keiran on security - check! Fat Geordies to fill out the crowd - check! Gonna be blinding! But now I need a big open top bus - surely they don;t have one just mothballed in Liverpool colours waiting for such an event do they? And some acts - but not Sheree Murphy unless she can get the rest of Banarama in - her solo stuff was a bit weak. Guess who I meet outside the corner shop? Bloody Spaghetti Legs and Djimi still laughing about ol' Pongo getting a shoeing yesterday. Bloody deserved it for cancelling his league in France. Don't dem French understand that it means more over here for us reds?
12:00am (or is it pm - don't know, does anyone really know?) Raze turns up. He's all red and sweaty after riding his bike. Bloody hell he wheezes, I've lost a ton of weight, I haven't had a Greggs in over a month and not even Fat Sam in Bolton can get gravy for love nor money. When will this fru end Aldo he asks and has even resorted to eating meat substitute pies!!! Hold your head up high and don't be afraid of the quorn I tell him. I tell him to come to my Pride Event and tell everyone that with social distancing he hasn't had a good meaty stuffing in ages and is making do with artificial substitutes for his regular Gregg's servicing.
1:00pm Get in Barnsey lad. He only has a steel drum and is going to play some calypso beats. Bobby from the first team is going to dress up in feathers and stuff and sort out the carnivale atmosphere. If Liverpools Greatest Best Talent is Quality is something that we can all agree is the LGBTQ that them pride fellas are on about, then Bobby F is definintely bringing the T. For talent obviously!
2:00pm Sir Elton rings up and can't make it. He's made up with Andy Carroll and is going campervanning with him in Wales. Nice!
3:00pm Rushie has told Kenny that he is about to have an event with Prince Andrew celebrating the 70s. That's quite a good idea as the reds were brilliant in the 70s. They are planning to get a load of celebrities in. He's got the royal connections and I've not got nada, not even Elton John seems interested. Who can I get in before Rush steals the lime light again?
5:00pm McAteer has told me to get on the big Merdarossa FC game in Guatemala tonight. They're playing St Domingos at home in a derby match at home in Stadio del Mordor. Guess who is up front? Sean bleedin' Dundee. I'll stick a monkey on that gibbon.
7:00pm Rushie online now and has announced that he has a John Peel tribute at his event and it'll be run by Pete Townsend out of the Who. Sounds boss that. I'm struggling to see Barnesy and Bobby competing against that. Plus they have sorted out a very special celebrity redman but won't say who it is. That's suspense. Rushie and Andy are the PT Barnum of footy/royal collaborations - they make Prince William and Delli Ali look like rank amateurs.
8:00pm Liverpool Pride are on the blower and are delighted with Barnes and Bobby and their Calypso-Brazillian coupling. V v inclusiff that Aldo says the lad from Pride - he is says he is wearing an Aldofest t-shirt with the wording 'The league won't shaft us, because it's the redmen who are top so we do the shafting." That sounds like something I'd say.
9:00pm John Henry called me just as I was cracking up my first tin of the old special brew. He says if I can't sell the sizzle of Aldo's Big Fat Pride thing then he's backing Rushie. That's not even it's name. I'm pretty down after that. I ask him about what charity it's all for (finally rmembered!) and he says that his microphone is breaking up and can't hear me. Maybe next time I'll find out.
10:00pm Souey's been on the phone in tears. No new extension to the stand. I'm on the floor. I know the country is a bit down right now, but that has to be the most devastating news anyone in their right mind has heard for a long time. How else are we going to shoe horn another couple of planeloads into the ground. It's not fair. I tell him not to worry. Loads of reds on line are saying they'll do what it takes.
@MickyS: I'll lift up the paving slabs meself whilst everyone is sleeping to get it started
@invisiblebusattacker: If you need any pyro for demo work, I've got loads!
@GeordieSheik: Eel get me mates th' Reubens tae knock ye oot an extensioon, It'll be canny.
Thanks lads. Always a comfort!
11:00pm terrible news from Kenny. He is still not showing any symptoms of the Chinese fru. When will his torment ever end?
12:00am (the night one - which is it?) Merdarossa FC just won against 8 men St Domingo. Sean got the only goal after VAR review. The ref Cleevio Tomasso had to send of 3 players for the away team for complaining that the whistle had gone 5 minutes before Dundee scored and they were all in the changing rooms and all the fans had gone home already. Bitter! Bitter bitter nuggets. El Jurgo might be in trouble after smacking a ball boy. Good stuff! Almost taken my mind off no acts to compete with Rushie. Better get my thinking cap on.
Last edited:
peteblue
Welcome back Wayne
These brighten up my day a treat........
JelavicBrate2
Player Valuation: £15m
Some would call them the invisible empire.
Wonder if he's related to @Barcelonafountainpusher ?
Too many words for Twitter unfortunately
dandydan
Player Valuation: £40m
Screenshots?
Yarrgh
Player Valuation: £80m
03/05/20
6am Get the big ride today. Upto Sky TV! I'm on Sunday Supplement as the face of charity and to add some balance against everyone who is against dre mighty reds. It's the big hitters today. There's Holty, Big Fat Marty Samuels and Patrick Barkly-Hunt from Telegraph. Danny Mills is hosting so I think it's going to be as anti-red as it's possible to get today. Uber arrives and it's off to the studio.
7am the lad driving the taxi has a mask on against the chinese fru the nugget. I tell him that the chinese fru is awful and my mate Kenny is now in his 4th week of having it with absolutely no symptoms (#prayforkenny). The taxi driver is obviously moved by this because he tells me he had Liverpool legend Ian Rush in the car yesterday. Bloody hell Bog Brush is always getting in my way. The driver said he was off to visit his mystery guest for his big charity event. Who could it be?
9:00am Get into the studio. What about makeup? The girl rubs some grease into me and tell them it's what the public expects of me now after Aldofest. Must have been after the wrestling I guess. A fan comes up to me and says his name is PaulT and he starts crying about everyone trying to shut the league down. He was only born in 2007 and never seen a league win. The poor sod. I tell him to go have a blast of them bitterbloos on line as it'll make him feel better.
10:00am No croissants, and the jazz mags in the green room are dead old. Sky is really struggling.
10:30am Bloody Holty might be a Stockport County fan but he's making some fair points here. It really is the bitters and dem mancs trying to close the league down. Paddy BH says but what about the pandemic and people dying? I screw my face up and pretend that my hand is a puppet and say in a high pitched voice, but what about the pandemic? Everyone is laughing and Paddy BH goes bright red. Try taking on the Echo journalist of the year why don't you!
10:40am Apparently that Chelsea soft arse Lampard has been saying it's not fair to test the footballers when the NHS can't test who they need to make sure their staff is safe? Well they should have put down the medicine books and played more footy at school the swots. I mention if we could play in some sort of suit that stops people from touching each other. Big Fat Marty spits out a mouth full of crumpets - Effing hell! Zorb football! That's brilliant. Not the Greek leagues fat lad - protective suits in the premier league. Turns out that zorbing is just that.
10:50am Danny Mills may hate Liverpool but has came up with a reasonable zorbing 2 match schedule for all teams to play which would allow the league to be decided. All at a giant neutral venue. Where could that be? How about if my big Aldo Pride Parade takes place and it leaves neutral venue in central England like Anfield absolutely empty and free of people. Big Fat Marty spits out half a bacon butty, Eff me! That's genius but what about home advantage. I suppose he's right, what advantage is an empty stadium to the might reds? How about they play in no zorb suits so they have a chance. Holty is nodding approval. Paddy BH is scratching his head but can't think of a complaint and Danny Mills is going to ring up Richie Masters from the premier league to see if it's a goer.
11:00am Jimbo White bursts through the doors and shouts "Have I got an exclusive for you here on Sky Sports, tune in after the break." I'm on tenterhooks here.
11:05am Jimbo is on live talking to Premier league supremo Masters, and it's on! A 2 game round robin extravaganza to sort out the premier league. If Liverpool get 6 points and the project fails then it will still count as unprecedented proof that they should win the title and the league can be cancelled.
11:10am Get into a shouting match with Holty. Oi Holty take that you Alice band wearing weirdo! I think it's a good idea actually Aldo, and please it's Olly. Olly isn't that the name of a tramp in some book by Dickins? Do you like Dickins Olly, do yer? He says he has never been to one but if I am organisng one he is game. What's he on about? Yer blocked Holty you nugget!
12:00 back in the uber on the way home and the phone is off da hook!! John Henry says that I have done it again. Done what? Well now we have an empty stadium for all those games, then he can charge a fortune to fill it with supporters. But I think they have to be neutral JH! No probs we can ship them in from the most neutral places in the world - Malaysia and Norway! Fantastic.
2:00pm Spaghetti Legs is on the phone saying that Ian Rush and Prince Andrew are hopping mad about me stealing their thunder. And that they'll fix me good. Tell them to sod off, Aldo is back at number 1 around here.
4:00pm Merdarossa FC result in from last night, and Sean Dundee has scored his first ever hat-trick and doubled his entire professional goal tally. Get in! The mystery manager has came out and called his footbal metal pesado. How exciting! Maybe we can get them over to play the winner of the Zorb tournament during Aldo's Big Liverpool Bi-Game Tournament Quality Pride March. Brilliant stuff but not quite so snappy. Have to abbreviate it a bit later.
6:00pm Oh ho, Mayor Anderson, you chippy titted pie crust snorting wizard - what makes you think that Anfield would be full if the reds were to play the next two games and win the league? Talk about a total lack of awareness. Which reminds me, hope John Henry sells the ground out. Could get 9 million easy for the charity this week. Damn I forgot to ask what it was again.
7:00pm Such a tense day, I need a massage. I ring up Big Purps up and before you can say is that a barometer up your bum, then hey presto I'm all greased up and getting a rub down.
10:00pm Talk about relaxing, I drifter up and woke up in the dark to find our Joan with her Ainsley Harriet replica trying to get busy again. I pushed her off but she felt heavier than usual. I'm not in the mood I shouted. What would Big Purps have said if he was still around? Dread to thing.
11:00pm A bit of a special brew and off to bed. Our Joan is acting all innocent now like she didn't know what I'm talking about. At 61 1/2 have I reached retirement age for my state pension, my retirement pension or my occupational pension - better than counting sheep - that boring topic has me counting the zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
6am Get the big ride today. Upto Sky TV! I'm on Sunday Supplement as the face of charity and to add some balance against everyone who is against dre mighty reds. It's the big hitters today. There's Holty, Big Fat Marty Samuels and Patrick Barkly-Hunt from Telegraph. Danny Mills is hosting so I think it's going to be as anti-red as it's possible to get today. Uber arrives and it's off to the studio.
7am the lad driving the taxi has a mask on against the chinese fru the nugget. I tell him that the chinese fru is awful and my mate Kenny is now in his 4th week of having it with absolutely no symptoms (#prayforkenny). The taxi driver is obviously moved by this because he tells me he had Liverpool legend Ian Rush in the car yesterday. Bloody hell Bog Brush is always getting in my way. The driver said he was off to visit his mystery guest for his big charity event. Who could it be?
9:00am Get into the studio. What about makeup? The girl rubs some grease into me and tell them it's what the public expects of me now after Aldofest. Must have been after the wrestling I guess. A fan comes up to me and says his name is PaulT and he starts crying about everyone trying to shut the league down. He was only born in 2007 and never seen a league win. The poor sod. I tell him to go have a blast of them bitterbloos on line as it'll make him feel better.
10:00am No croissants, and the jazz mags in the green room are dead old. Sky is really struggling.
10:30am Bloody Holty might be a Stockport County fan but he's making some fair points here. It really is the bitters and dem mancs trying to close the league down. Paddy BH says but what about the pandemic and people dying? I screw my face up and pretend that my hand is a puppet and say in a high pitched voice, but what about the pandemic? Everyone is laughing and Paddy BH goes bright red. Try taking on the Echo journalist of the year why don't you!
10:40am Apparently that Chelsea soft arse Lampard has been saying it's not fair to test the footballers when the NHS can't test who they need to make sure their staff is safe? Well they should have put down the medicine books and played more footy at school the swots. I mention if we could play in some sort of suit that stops people from touching each other. Big Fat Marty spits out a mouth full of crumpets - Effing hell! Zorb football! That's brilliant. Not the Greek leagues fat lad - protective suits in the premier league. Turns out that zorbing is just that.
10:50am Danny Mills may hate Liverpool but has came up with a reasonable zorbing 2 match schedule for all teams to play which would allow the league to be decided. All at a giant neutral venue. Where could that be? How about if my big Aldo Pride Parade takes place and it leaves neutral venue in central England like Anfield absolutely empty and free of people. Big Fat Marty spits out half a bacon butty, Eff me! That's genius but what about home advantage. I suppose he's right, what advantage is an empty stadium to the might reds? How about they play in no zorb suits so they have a chance. Holty is nodding approval. Paddy BH is scratching his head but can't think of a complaint and Danny Mills is going to ring up Richie Masters from the premier league to see if it's a goer.
11:00am Jimbo White bursts through the doors and shouts "Have I got an exclusive for you here on Sky Sports, tune in after the break." I'm on tenterhooks here.
11:05am Jimbo is on live talking to Premier league supremo Masters, and it's on! A 2 game round robin extravaganza to sort out the premier league. If Liverpool get 6 points and the project fails then it will still count as unprecedented proof that they should win the title and the league can be cancelled.
11:10am Get into a shouting match with Holty. Oi Holty take that you Alice band wearing weirdo! I think it's a good idea actually Aldo, and please it's Olly. Olly isn't that the name of a tramp in some book by Dickins? Do you like Dickins Olly, do yer? He says he has never been to one but if I am organisng one he is game. What's he on about? Yer blocked Holty you nugget!
12:00 back in the uber on the way home and the phone is off da hook!! John Henry says that I have done it again. Done what? Well now we have an empty stadium for all those games, then he can charge a fortune to fill it with supporters. But I think they have to be neutral JH! No probs we can ship them in from the most neutral places in the world - Malaysia and Norway! Fantastic.
2:00pm Spaghetti Legs is on the phone saying that Ian Rush and Prince Andrew are hopping mad about me stealing their thunder. And that they'll fix me good. Tell them to sod off, Aldo is back at number 1 around here.
4:00pm Merdarossa FC result in from last night, and Sean Dundee has scored his first ever hat-trick and doubled his entire professional goal tally. Get in! The mystery manager has came out and called his footbal metal pesado. How exciting! Maybe we can get them over to play the winner of the Zorb tournament during Aldo's Big Liverpool Bi-Game Tournament Quality Pride March. Brilliant stuff but not quite so snappy. Have to abbreviate it a bit later.
6:00pm Oh ho, Mayor Anderson, you chippy titted pie crust snorting wizard - what makes you think that Anfield would be full if the reds were to play the next two games and win the league? Talk about a total lack of awareness. Which reminds me, hope John Henry sells the ground out. Could get 9 million easy for the charity this week. Damn I forgot to ask what it was again.
7:00pm Such a tense day, I need a massage. I ring up Big Purps up and before you can say is that a barometer up your bum, then hey presto I'm all greased up and getting a rub down.
10:00pm Talk about relaxing, I drifter up and woke up in the dark to find our Joan with her Ainsley Harriet replica trying to get busy again. I pushed her off but she felt heavier than usual. I'm not in the mood I shouted. What would Big Purps have said if he was still around? Dread to thing.
11:00pm A bit of a special brew and off to bed. Our Joan is acting all innocent now like she didn't know what I'm talking about. At 61 1/2 have I reached retirement age for my state pension, my retirement pension or my occupational pension - better than counting sheep - that boring topic has me counting the zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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