Yarrgh
Player Valuation: £80m
10/05/20
9:00am Refuse breakfast. Our Joan is mystified but when she heard that I am saving myself so I'm not full up for a knob gobbling session with Big Purps and kookookachoo (Kieran's identical twin who also is a steward and employment agency owner who loves knobs). We're off the Lisbon who is sponsoring our team - we're getting a well smart latex uniform from them so we can wash any mess from the knobs off easy. Chafed the nipples but Lawro the mystic foresaw this and arranged for the nipples to be detachable. He really can predict everything.
10am Paul Pogba and Souey are at it again. I tell them to behave and get past it for Souey's mam's sake. Paul says he's a daft racist and doesn't have a good word about young Moysey at Everton. He's at West Ham you nugget and it's not racist because he's only a ginger. And I should know because I'm not a racist. I tell Paul to stop being a daft monkey and he looks furious and what would I call Souey he asks... A gibbon of course. What's a ribbon? Sean Dundee to score the opener for el merdarossa! No reaction- it must be the way McAteer says it.
12 noon showdown at the Lisbon. Packed to the rafters with fellow knob gobbling enthusiasts all cheering us on. Pretty soon I'm in a veritable orgy of knobs being pushed at me from everywhere. Never let it be said that a latex clad Aldo let a knob go by in the Lisbon without deep throating it. I can't fit even the final drop of cream from Purp's delicious cream filled knob and want to spit it out but he orders me to swallow it. He's right- in a competition we'd be disqualified for that. My jaw is aching but Lawro has used his psychic powers to predict this and has arranged for me and the lads to have an orange jaw relaxation ball to stick in our mouths with a comfy strap. It's just like be at an 80s redmen party to be honest.
2:00pm must admit that getting the bus back to home did have it's moments. Some little kid started crying because of my gob ball thing. Probably thought I had the dry like our Kenny (still no symptoms- I can't imagine his family's worry) so I try to tell him it's for knob gobbling but it just comes out mmmmf knob hmmmm mmmpetshun. His dad threatened to belt me so I got off at the next stop which was outside Anfield so I had the last laugh as the bus got pelted by some lads stood on a police car. Nice one, that lad and dad were probably bitter bloos.
4:00pm Meet up with John Henry. Guess what? He's only wearing the same outfit as me! What are the chances of that lads? It was dead strange but once we took out the (as JH Ewing says) ball gags we were away. He look surprised when I asked him if he was a knob gobbler too. He looked embarrassed but I told him to relax as everyone at Aldo's LGBTQ Respecto March was going to have a good noshing on all the knobs there. He started crying and saying that whilst he loved Boston, Liverpool Red Sox had the best customers in der werld. YNWA JH.
8:00pm Just watched that Boris on tv. Get back to work yer lazy workshy bitters. Can't wait for essential services like the morale boosting redmen winning the league. They had VE day last Friday to celebrate us and one of our big six. Wonder when the next five will be. Great stuff. Now onto the old Guatemalan footy. 4 more wins and they'll clinch the title. El Jurgo's campaign to have a break to rest.players means that they'll be able to play a Copa America home time against Souey's favourite Panamanian team Atletico Madras.
9:00pm Fuming here. Madras have knocked in an early goal and now defending. That's not on. An other famous night at Campo de Anus isn't having the usual effect. Even Clattino-Bergez seems powerless to penalise the well drilled Panamanians. Disgusting.
10:00pm Disgrace. Atletico Madras have went through El mr like Souey's microwaveable meal namesake at Aldofest. El Jurgo was sent off for using a metal chair on the ballboy. Terrible scenes.
11:00pm Twitter a bit quiet tonight. The red echo has an informative article on the injustice of covid-19. It's a ling article about how der reds are missing out on the party they deserve. Little do they know but we'll have to have a big party when it's done. I wonder how we could all get together and flout the law but not get caught. Hmm if only were something in our recent past.
11:30pm off to bed. Our Joan says I absolutely stink of knob. She also is complaining about the squeaking from my latex outfit. Truth be told I can't take it off. It was tight to start with but all that knob guzzling has engorged me and until I am not so bloated it ain't coming off.
9:00am Refuse breakfast. Our Joan is mystified but when she heard that I am saving myself so I'm not full up for a knob gobbling session with Big Purps and kookookachoo (Kieran's identical twin who also is a steward and employment agency owner who loves knobs). We're off the Lisbon who is sponsoring our team - we're getting a well smart latex uniform from them so we can wash any mess from the knobs off easy. Chafed the nipples but Lawro the mystic foresaw this and arranged for the nipples to be detachable. He really can predict everything.
10am Paul Pogba and Souey are at it again. I tell them to behave and get past it for Souey's mam's sake. Paul says he's a daft racist and doesn't have a good word about young Moysey at Everton. He's at West Ham you nugget and it's not racist because he's only a ginger. And I should know because I'm not a racist. I tell Paul to stop being a daft monkey and he looks furious and what would I call Souey he asks... A gibbon of course. What's a ribbon? Sean Dundee to score the opener for el merdarossa! No reaction- it must be the way McAteer says it.
12 noon showdown at the Lisbon. Packed to the rafters with fellow knob gobbling enthusiasts all cheering us on. Pretty soon I'm in a veritable orgy of knobs being pushed at me from everywhere. Never let it be said that a latex clad Aldo let a knob go by in the Lisbon without deep throating it. I can't fit even the final drop of cream from Purp's delicious cream filled knob and want to spit it out but he orders me to swallow it. He's right- in a competition we'd be disqualified for that. My jaw is aching but Lawro has used his psychic powers to predict this and has arranged for me and the lads to have an orange jaw relaxation ball to stick in our mouths with a comfy strap. It's just like be at an 80s redmen party to be honest.
2:00pm must admit that getting the bus back to home did have it's moments. Some little kid started crying because of my gob ball thing. Probably thought I had the dry like our Kenny (still no symptoms- I can't imagine his family's worry) so I try to tell him it's for knob gobbling but it just comes out mmmmf knob hmmmm mmmpetshun. His dad threatened to belt me so I got off at the next stop which was outside Anfield so I had the last laugh as the bus got pelted by some lads stood on a police car. Nice one, that lad and dad were probably bitter bloos.
4:00pm Meet up with John Henry. Guess what? He's only wearing the same outfit as me! What are the chances of that lads? It was dead strange but once we took out the (as JH Ewing says) ball gags we were away. He look surprised when I asked him if he was a knob gobbler too. He looked embarrassed but I told him to relax as everyone at Aldo's LGBTQ Respecto March was going to have a good noshing on all the knobs there. He started crying and saying that whilst he loved Boston, Liverpool Red Sox had the best customers in der werld. YNWA JH.
8:00pm Just watched that Boris on tv. Get back to work yer lazy workshy bitters. Can't wait for essential services like the morale boosting redmen winning the league. They had VE day last Friday to celebrate us and one of our big six. Wonder when the next five will be. Great stuff. Now onto the old Guatemalan footy. 4 more wins and they'll clinch the title. El Jurgo's campaign to have a break to rest.players means that they'll be able to play a Copa America home time against Souey's favourite Panamanian team Atletico Madras.
9:00pm Fuming here. Madras have knocked in an early goal and now defending. That's not on. An other famous night at Campo de Anus isn't having the usual effect. Even Clattino-Bergez seems powerless to penalise the well drilled Panamanians. Disgusting.
10:00pm Disgrace. Atletico Madras have went through El mr like Souey's microwaveable meal namesake at Aldofest. El Jurgo was sent off for using a metal chair on the ballboy. Terrible scenes.
11:00pm Twitter a bit quiet tonight. The red echo has an informative article on the injustice of covid-19. It's a ling article about how der reds are missing out on the party they deserve. Little do they know but we'll have to have a big party when it's done. I wonder how we could all get together and flout the law but not get caught. Hmm if only were something in our recent past.
11:30pm off to bed. Our Joan says I absolutely stink of knob. She also is complaining about the squeaking from my latex outfit. Truth be told I can't take it off. It was tight to start with but all that knob guzzling has engorged me and until I am not so bloated it ain't coming off.
