Jokes Thread

[Dylan]

In a similar vein....

A nervous young lady is at the gynecologist for the very first.
He has her on the table in the correct position and lifts her skirt to get a closer look.
Suddenly hears him exclaim:
"My word! That is the biggest women's thing I've ever seen!
My word! That is the biggest women's thing I've ever seen!"

She says " Leave it out, no need to say it twice.

He says "I didn't......."

Christ, that is quite an old one. Made most popular by Hawkin's in Predator.

 

[BigBlueConk]

Christ, that is quite an old one. Made most popular by Hawkin's in Predator.

Older still, I remember reading it in an adults joke book about 40 years ago!!

 

[Seathestars]

Watched a good movie about a tractor a few nights ago, although it wasn’t as good as the trailer

 

[bigbadjeff]

What do you call a farmer who enthuses over old machinery he used to own?


An extractor fan. Boom boom

 

[Seathestars]

My school had a huge problem with drugs, especially class A

 

[Gwlacticos]

Watched a good movie about a tractor a few nights ago, although it wasn’t as good as the trailer

Was it the magic tractor?. Halfway through the film it turned into a field?.
I am now off to bed.

 

[gonetomorrow]

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again I'll nail your flipping beak to the bar you stupid bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

 

[Seathestars]

I’ve been told Cadbury are bringing out a new oriental chocolate bar, although it might just be a Chinese Wispa

 

[summerisle]

I hate snakes and worms because they have no feet.
You could say I am lacktoes intolerant.

 

[Seathestars]

I watched a documentary about ship building and how the ship is actually held together, it was riveting.

 

[AndyC]

A couple took their young son to the circus and when the elephants appeared, the boy seemed very intrigued by them.

"Mummy, what's that long thing on the elephant?" he asked.

"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.

"No, not that. What's that long thing that's hanging between the elephant's legs?" asked the boy.

Embarrassed, the mother replied, "Oh, it's nothing, son." She then left to get some hot dogs and cool drinks.

While she was gone, the young boy turned to his father and asked, "Daddy, what's that long thing hanging between the elephant's legs?"

"That's the elephant's penis, son," explained the father.

"Well, why did mummy say it was nothing when I asked her?" the boy asked.

Taking a deep breath, the father proudly replied, "I've spoiled that woman, son!"

 

[Boba Fret]

A priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.

He says: "Have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

 

[tommytowne]

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again I'll nail your flipping beak to the bar you stupid bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

You know what, as the day has progressed I've done nothing but giggle to myself over this joke.
Absolute stupidity.

 

[orly]

You know what, as the day has progressed I've done nothing but giggle to myself over this joke.
Absolute stupidity.

It's an oldie but brilliant.

 

[WA Toffee]

a chicken walks into a bar. barman says "we don't allow chickens in, you will have to go the one across the road"

just in case anyone asks.