Jokes Thread

[BITTER TWISTED & BLUE]

Challenged my mrs earlier to tell me something that would make me both happy and sad at the same time, she gave it a minute before replying “you’ve got a bigger knob than your brother”

Any chance you could have mis-heard?

 

[canuckblue]

There was this castle supposedly very haunted. Tour guides advised guests to bring cameras just in case as one of the ghosts was said to be very photogenic, when it rarely appeared.
One couple is taking a tour when lo and behold, the ghost appears right in front of them, smiling. The husband fumbles with his phone and tries to get a few shots off, to little avail. The ghost shrugs its shoulders and vanishes as the couple blame the bad lighting.
In truth, the spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.

 

[Jamo Martinez]

Did he then stab you and rob your bag ???

Nah, he shagged him.

 

[Cels]

​

 

[Cels]

I have been a scouser moving around the country most of my life if I took offence of locals taking the P out of scousers all my life - I would have never blended in for instance the joke what do you call a scouser in a suit - " The Accused " if I had a £ for every time I had that told to me - I woul be a millionaire....
Any joke can offend many people.....

Similar to... What do you call a scouser in a 3-bedroom house? A burglar.

 

[summerisle]

 

[Milk]

I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just an Asian lady in front of me who was trying to exchange yen for pounds. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat pown of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

 

[JammyP]

that will do Beto and McNeill

 

[JammyP]

and two goals from Branners.

UTFT

 

[JammyP]

what a match

 

[ushuduup]

What's the difference between a bad sniper and a constipated owl?


One shoots but can't hit...

 

[summerisle]

One armed butlers : they can take it, but they can't dish it out.

 

[Kurt.]

Dolly Parton and King Charles happened to arrive at the Pearly Gates on the very same day.

They were greeted by an angel who explained that, due to a paperwork mix-up, there was only one opening available in Heaven that afternoon.

“I’m afraid I’ll have to decide which one of you gets in,” the angel said.

The angel turned to Dolly and asked if there was any special reason she should be admitted.

Dolly smiled, took off her top and said, “Look at these, they're two of God's most perfect creations and I'm sure it will please Him to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”

The angel thanked her politely and then asked King Charles the same question.

Without saying a word, the King walked over to a nearby restroom, pressed the handle, and flushed the toilet.

The angel immediately turned and said, “Your Majesty, welcome to Heaven.”

Dolly stared in disbelief and said, “Hold on just a minute. I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down, and he just flushed a toilet. How does that make sense?”

The angel shrugged and replied, “Sorry, Dolly, but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair every time.”

 

[Joey66]

Dolly Parton and King Charles happened to arrive at the Pearly Gates on the very same day.

They were greeted by an angel who explained that, due to a paperwork mix-up, there was only one opening available in Heaven that afternoon.

“I’m afraid I’ll have to decide which one of you gets in,” the angel said.

The angel turned to Dolly and asked if there was any special reason she should be admitted.

Dolly smiled, took off her top and said, “Look at these, they're two of God's most perfect creations and I'm sure it will please Him to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”

The angel thanked her politely and then asked King Charles the same question.

Without saying a word, the King walked over to a nearby restroom, pressed the handle, and flushed the toilet.

The angel immediately turned and said, “Your Majesty, welcome to Heaven.”

Dolly stared in disbelief and said, “Hold on just a minute. I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down, and he just flushed a toilet. How does that make sense?”

The angel shrugged and replied, “Sorry, Dolly, but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair every time.”

Dolly had false boobs read it in the newspapers - too much Beano's read young Kurt not a bad joke though just don't use a lady with implants .......

 

[Andyramone]

Man goes to doctors complaining of severe headache,doctor says "do you masturbate?" Man replies "I do"
Doctor says "it's magic isn't it? "