Jokes Thread

Putin is held hostage by a terrorist. A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?" Policeman: "A terrorist is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 million rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations." Driver: "Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average." Policeman: "About a gallon."
 
Donald Trump is held hostage by a terrorist. An American truck driver stops at the back of a long queue on the Interstate. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truck driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?" Policeman: "A terrorist is holding Donald Trump hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 million dollars, or he'll douse Trump in gas and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations." Driver: "Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average." Policeman: "About a gallon."
 
Keir Starmer is held hostage by a terrorist. An English HGV driver stops at the back of a long queue on the M25. He sees a copper walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the copper approaches the HGV, the HGV driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?" Copper: "A terrorist is holding Keir Starmer hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 million pound, or he'll douse Starmer in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations." Driver: "Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average." Copper: "About a 4.54 liters"
 
I approached this really fit bird in Tesco as she picked up a cucumber. I said "mines bigger than that"
She said "if it is, you can fk the arse off me"

I reached into my trolley, pulled out my extra large cucumber and said "my place or yours"
 
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. "We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the bloody R!" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies, "The word was .... CELEBRATE!""
 
A woman goes out clubbing and meets a handsome black dude. They go back to her place after a night of partying and drinking.

As they're getting undressed, the woman slides up to the black dude and says, "Go on stud, show me what makes you black guys famous"

So he stabs her and runs off with her purse.....
What a surprise, Brexit voting elderly gammon turns out to be a racist elderly gammon. Prick.
 
A woman goes out clubbing and meets a handsome black dude. They go back to her place after a night of partying and drinking.

As they're getting undressed, the woman slides up to the black dude and says, "Go on stud, show me what makes you black guys famous"

So he stabs her and runs off with her purse.....
Joey this is too far mate, I know this sort of thing was acceptable to repeat years ago but times have changed and this crosses the line. Please consider that in future.
 
Joey this is too far mate, I know this sort of thing was acceptable to repeat years ago but times have changed and this crosses the line. Please consider that in future.
I posted that months ago & a debate ensued it was fetche'd up last night by a poster who does not like me as he incorrectly states my political views insisted summing up - I will refrain from going on the jokes thread as it did offend a few posters - I regret that point ,but his comments last night were too personal incorrectly politically as I stated - nothing but debate followed until now
I will just keep off this thread - I regret posting it a while back only he could fetch it up much later
Sorry it had to come via a poster like him !
 
I posted that months ago & a debate ensued it was fetche'd up last night by a poster who does not like me as he incorrectly states my political views insisted summing up - I will refrain from going on the jokes thread as it did offend a few posters - I regret that point ,but his comments last night were too personal incorrectly politically as I stated - nothing but debate followed until now
I will just keep off this thread - I regret posting it a while back only he could fetch it up much later
Sorry it had to come via a poster like him !
Jesus the state of you playing the victim. I reported your RACIST joke yesterday because I read your RACIST joke yesterday.
 
Vintage joke.
Teacher tasks her young class
to read Robin Hood over the weekend. On the Monday she has a quiz.
What was the forest called?
Jimmy answers Sherwood!
What was the friar called?
Tommy answers Tuck!
What was Robins girlfriend called?
Bobby answers Trudy Glen!
Teacher says no Bobby,she's
Called Maid Marion !
No miss,watched the old TV show;
Robin Hood Robin Hood
Riding Trudy Glen!!!
 

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