chrismpw
Player Valuation: £70m
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.
Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
Towards the end of the golf course, Tom hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch..
All of a sudden... POOF!
In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life; better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
Then POOF! ... She was gone!
After Tom recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Joe, where are you?"
Joe yells back, "I'm over here in the [Poor language removed] willows."
Tom shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, JOE; FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T SWING!!!!!!
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch..
All of a sudden... POOF!
In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life; better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
Then POOF! ... She was gone!
After Tom recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Joe, where are you?"
Joe yells back, "I'm over here in the [Poor language removed] willows."
Tom shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, JOE; FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T SWING!!!!!!
deipnosophist
Player Valuation: £80m
A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies, "No, I'm travelling light."
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
I feel sorry for the staff in Greggs in this weather. They must be baking in there.
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
I used a performance enhancer in the bedroom with my wife last night.
I wore a blindfold.
I wore a blindfold.
I visited the sperm bank earlie today, the young lady asked if I would like to masturbate in the cup.... I said hang on... it's only my first time... I'm not up to competition standard yet.
deipnosophist
Player Valuation: £80m
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Oh s---, I forgot to feed the dog!"
The binman chronicles
Player Valuation: £80m
Needed Google for this one. Still not sure I get it!!
I had to look it up too, fair play to people who understand it first time that he's basically trained himself like the dog he was experimenting on that it's food time when the bell rings.
That made me laugh out loud.
Yeah, that's what I thought. Had heard of his experiments, but didn't know about the bell until today.
Gwlacticos
Player Valuation: £15m
My doctor said to me, “Don’t eat anything fatty.”
I said, “What, like bacon and burgers?.”
He said, “No fatty, don’t eat anything.”
I said, “What, like bacon and burgers?.”
He said, “No fatty, don’t eat anything.”
gonetomorrow
Player Valuation: £80m
What's a Shih Tzu?
One that doesn't have any penguins.
One that doesn't have any penguins.
Man: Doctor Doctor, I think I'm turning into a Moth!
Doctor: I'm a dentist, you need the psychiatrist. His office is 3 doors down the hall.
Man: Yes I know, but I was passing and noticed your light was on.
Doctor: I'm a dentist, you need the psychiatrist. His office is 3 doors down the hall.
Man: Yes I know, but I was passing and noticed your light was on.