Jokes Thread

Dylan · April 27, 2018

Milk said:
Good: Hugging a pretty girl
Not so good: Feeling an erection coming on
Worse: Realizing that the erection isn't yours
Best: Getting an erection yourself

There you go. Fixed your broken joke right up!

Boba Fret · April 27, 2018

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay they would be bagels!

Boba Fret · April 27, 2018

When is it okay to beat up a dwarf?

When he’s standing next you girlfriend saying that her hair smells nice.

Methuselah · April 27, 2018

Was a bit apprehensive that her indoors would be a bit miffed that I bought her a fridge for her birthday but her face lit up when she opened it.

chrissyjack · April 28, 2018

Channel 4 have announced a new series where four Jeremy Kyle guests take it in turns to cook frozen pizzas and Pot Noodles for each other. It's called Scum Dine With Me.

Methuselah · April 28, 2018

We had a power cut today. Couldn't make a cup of tea, no TV, had to talk to her indoors for a couple of hours, she seems quite a nice person.

Kurt. · April 29, 2018

How much do cockneys pay for shampoo ??

Pantene

The binman chronicles · April 29, 2018

Methuselah said:
We had a power cut today. Couldn't make a cup of tea, no TV, had to talk to her indoors for a couple of hours, she seems quite a nice person.

If you have aleady been married a few years then you must have gone round to the neighbours by accident.

BlueAde · April 29, 2018

"Ophthalmologist" is a really hard word to read.

That's how they get you.

Methuselah · April 29, 2018

The binman chronicles said:
If you have aleady been married a few years then you must have gone round to the neighbours by accident.

59 years actually. :eek:

The binman chronicles · April 29, 2018

Methuselah said:
59 years actually.

Wow you deserve a medal. Or you picked a good'un!

Cels · April 29, 2018

Have you had to walk 500 miles?
Were you advised to walk 500 more?
You could be entitled to compensation.
Call the Pro Claimers now!

Methuselah · April 29, 2018

Her indoors texted me today to say she was in casualty. I switched the television on and watched it for 50 minutes but didn't see her. She still hasn't come home and I'm waiting for my tea.

chrissyjack · April 29, 2018

I've been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now and I'm fed up .

It keeps asking me, 'Where do you want to go?'

So I click on the icon that says 'Home' and then it makes me start again.