Jokes Thread

[chrissyjack]

I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on the Titanic.

"Oh yes, quite a few", the Librarian said.

"Sorry to hear that", I replied. "They'll all be ruined by now".

 

[chrissyjack]

Quizmaster: What sort of feet did Mud sing about in their 1974 number 1 hit?
Contestant: Tiger.
Quizmaster: That's right, that's right, that's right, that's right.

 

[Philw]

I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on the Titanic.

"Oh yes, quite a few", the Librarian said.

"Sorry to hear that", I replied. "They'll all be ruined by now".

Took me about 3 goes to read this out to my co-worker!

 

[Cels]

Just heard Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.

 

[Cels]

Conjunctivitis.com - now there's a site for sore eyes.

 

[goodisonopheliac]

Q. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A. He was dead.

 

[goodisonopheliac]

A Jew, a Muslim, a paedophile, a Catholic, a duck, a blonde and an Irishman walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

 

[Milk]

Good: Hugging a pretty girl
Not so good: Feeling an erection coming on
Worse: Realizing that the erection isn't yours
Worst: Getting an erection yourself

 

[deipnosophist]

I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on the Titanic.

"Oh yes, quite a few", the Librarian said.

"Sorry to hear that", I replied. "They'll all be ruined by now".

speaking of libraries : I asked at my local library if they'd heard about that new book about Pavlov's experiments. The nice lady at the desk said it rings a bell. She then recommended me a book on Schrodinger's cat...but she couldn't tell me whether the book was in or out.

 

[Chozz]

“I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.” Matt Kirshen (2011)

 

[Chozz]

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” Tim Vine (2011)

 

[Chozz]

A few from Stewart Francis (Canadian stand up):

Did I already do my déjà vu joke?


We have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom; in fact Passive Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow.


Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse… but enough about Kanye West.


My uncle was crushed by a piano; his funeral was very low key.


I dedicate this show to my dad who was a roofer… so dad, if you’re up there…

 

[gonetomorrow]

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

A little old lady?

A little old lady who?

I didn’t know you could yodel

 

[Methuselah]

Wife asks her husband if her mother can come down for the week-end. 'I thought she liked it in the cockloft' said the husband.

 

[Cels]

I was watching a TV show the other evening when all of a sudden one of the female actors started screaming hysterically at the top of her voice', "I need Tampons! I need tampons!", then stormed off.

I thought, "For goodness sake, not another Period Drama".