Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for £20 for their first lovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly £1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which was worth over £2 million, and informed him that they were one of the
largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over £3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut!
In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly £1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which was worth over £2 million, and informed him that they were one of the
largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over £3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut!
Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout “Donald, duck”
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout “Donald, duck”
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
Midwife for sale - can deliver.
SiEdmo
Player Valuation: £10m
that made me laugh probably more than it should have haha
BigBlueConk
Player Valuation: £70m
One from my school days...
Two women are looking at dresses in a shop window.
One says to the other "That's the one I'd get".
Then this Cyclops comes out and gives her a slap.
#respectthecyclops
Two women are looking at dresses in a shop window.
One says to the other "That's the one I'd get".
Then this Cyclops comes out and gives her a slap.
#respectthecyclops
bluelord49
Player Valuation: £8m
The police pulled me over and said ..Papers..
I said Scissors...
and drove off
I said Scissors...
and drove off
Jimmy Grimble
Player Valuation: £20m
On a similar vein, a man walks song along the pavement and slips on a piece of dog muck. He's cleaning his shoes on the grass when a big bruiser comes along and slips on exactly the same poo. "Oh dear" says the first guy, sympathetically. "I just did that!"
So the bruiser smacks him.
Charles Hawtrey
Player Valuation: £50m
Two older wives chatting over a cuppa and one says “have you ever looked at your fanny? I mean really examined it?” “No says the other but it sounds interesting” so they go off to the bathroom and gate the little round magnifying mirror, hoist up the skirt of the first old wife and take a look.
Just then the Husband comes home and body slams her into the wall
‘WTF are you doing?” she cries
“Saving you from falling down that giant sinkhole”
Just then the Husband comes home and body slams her into the wall
‘WTF are you doing?” she cries
“Saving you from falling down that giant sinkhole”
BigBlueConk
Player Valuation: £70m
In a similar vein....
A nervous young lady is at the gynecologist for the very first.
He has her on the table in the correct position and lifts her skirt to get a closer look.
Suddenly hears him exclaim:
"My word! That is the biggest women's thing I've ever seen!
My word! That is the biggest women's thing I've ever seen!"
She says " Leave it out, no need to say it twice.
He says "I didn't......."
SiEdmo
Player Valuation: £10m
I was literally replying saying I don't get this then the penny dropped hahaha
Passenger taps his taxi driver on his shoulder.
The driver jumps out of his skin, swerves, nearly hits a bus and stops inches from a shop window.
"Bloody Hell! You're a bit jumpy aren't you! I only tapped you on the shoulder!!"
"Sorry" says the cabbie.
"It's my first day, I've been driving a hearse for the last 20 years."
The driver jumps out of his skin, swerves, nearly hits a bus and stops inches from a shop window.
"Bloody Hell! You're a bit jumpy aren't you! I only tapped you on the shoulder!!"
"Sorry" says the cabbie.
"It's my first day, I've been driving a hearse for the last 20 years."
I once tried a recipe for rice. It said " wash for cooking" , so I had a bath. Didn't improve the rice at all
I crossed the road, walked into a bar and changed a light bulb. It was then I realised that my life was a joke