Sorry mate you'll have to speak up.
Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
Sorry mate you'll have to speak up.
tommytowne
Player Valuation: £50m
Booked a table for me and my girlfriend for Valentines.
I am already thinking it's going to end in tears.
I don't even know if she likes snooker.
I am already thinking it's going to end in tears.
I don't even know if she likes snooker.
Brendan Janus
Player Valuation: £40m
You'll be fine, she'll be there right on cue !!
tommytowne
Player Valuation: £50m
Guess I've started something here.
Standing by for a few more perhaps.
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well... We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.
"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him”.
"Mrs Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well... We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.
"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him”.
After the snooker game you willl be made up if you take her home and carry on kissing the pink!
tommytowne
Player Valuation: £50m
Not going there Joey, not after the other night.
Coming back from a meal in a country pub with her the other night, I ended up clipping a badger.
It wasn't dead so I picked it up and decided to take it straight to the vets. Getting back in the car I said to her put this between your legs and keep it warm.
She said "but it's wet, bloody and smells"
I said well hold its nose stupid woman.
tommytowne
Player Valuation: £50m
Not going there Joey, not after the other night.
Coming back from a meal in a country pub with her the other night, I ended up clipping a badger.
It wasn't dead so I picked it up and decided to take it straight to the vets. Getting back in the car I said to her put this between your legs and keep it warm.
She said "but it's wet, bloody and smells"
I said well hold its nose stupid woman.
Always remember to pot the pink and not the brown mate
Paddy is talking to two of his friends at work .
His first friend confides to the other two, “ I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician . The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren ’ t mine .”
The second friend then also confides , “ Wow , me too ! I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber . The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn ’ t mine. ”
Paddy thinks for a minute and then says, “ You know – I think my wife is having an affair with a horse. ”
Both his friends look at him in complete disbelief .
Paddy sees them looking at him and says, “ No , seriously. The other day I came home early and found a jockey under our bed .”
His first friend confides to the other two, “ I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician . The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren ’ t mine .”
The second friend then also confides , “ Wow , me too ! I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber . The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn ’ t mine. ”
Paddy thinks for a minute and then says, “ You know – I think my wife is having an affair with a horse. ”
Both his friends look at him in complete disbelief .
Paddy sees them looking at him and says, “ No , seriously. The other day I came home early and found a jockey under our bed .”
hallamblue
Player Valuation: £50m
I hope none of our Irish fans read this thread!
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
Let's get tldr out of the way. Punchline is funny.
gonetomorrow
Player Valuation: £70m
Guy goes into a record shop and asks the assistant :"What have you got by the Doors?"
"Bucket of sand and a fire blanket, man."
"Bucket of sand and a fire blanket, man."
Went to see the worst faith healer ever last night.
He was so bad, a bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out.
He was so bad, a bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out.
I had a row with my acupuncturist. It got so bad, I stabbed him. He said he'd never felt better.
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