Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
Man goes to the doctor and says, " I've got strawberries growing out of my arse".
Doctor, " I've got some cream for that".
Doctor, " I've got some cream for that".
The man that invented throat lozenges died last week,
there was no coffin at the funeral.
there was no coffin at the funeral.
I've invented a new flavour of crisps,
if they're successful I'll make a packet.
if they're successful I'll make a packet.
Fuming with Sky sports, wanted to watch the Origami world championships, but its only on paper view
bigbadjeff
Player Valuation: £15m
Guy took his girlfriend to Alton Towers for the day. After going on most of the rides he asked her what she wanted to do, she replied that she wanted to get weighed. They searched high and low for a speak your weight machine and on weighing her found she was 10 stone. After going on a few more attractions he asked her again what she wanted to do, again she replied that she wanted to get weighed. They went straight to the speak your weight machine and again found she was 10 stone. Again they walked around, had a burger and chips. As they were about to leave he asked her if there was anything else she would like to do to which she replied " Yes, I really want to get weighed ". Back they went to the speak your weight machine, and she still weighed 10 stone. On dropping her off at her house she went in and her mother asked her how her day had been. " Wowsy " she replied.
The Cowboy
Player Valuation: £60m
Roy Hodgson likes this.
bigbadjeff
Player Valuation: £15m
bigbadjeff
Player Valuation: £15m
What is the connection between killing someone and a male being entertained by a joke?
MANSLAUGHTER
MANSLAUGHTER
bigbadjeff
Player Valuation: £15m
As there is a current affairs section on this forum, it concerns me that there have been no stories of raisins running off and doing naughty things together.
It is obvious that I am sitting in work bored to tears at the moment.
It is obvious that I am sitting in work bored to tears at the moment.
Professor Toffee
On and on, over the hill and the craic is good
That's nothing I started an origami company but it folded
bluelord49
Player Valuation: £8m
What with all the new gadgets coming into our world seemingly on a daily basis anybody think exits are on the way out.
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired.
Holding hands, they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet.
Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home.
There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, "We've got to give it back".
Sally said, "Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic".
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday"?
Sally said, "No".
Jerry said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic".
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile".
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning".
Jerry said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday...
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "And we're outta here"!
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired.
Holding hands, they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet.
Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home.
There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, "We've got to give it back".
Sally said, "Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic".
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday"?
Sally said, "No".
Jerry said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic".
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile".
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning".
Jerry said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday...
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "And we're outta here"!
A guy goes to the doctor about a rash he's had for a while. The doctor finally enters the room and takes a look at the guy and says "Well sir, I'm going to have to advise you to stop masturbating."
"Why's that doc?" the guy asked.
The doctor said, "So I can examine you."
"Why's that doc?" the guy asked.
The doctor said, "So I can examine you."
Lordy is this one awful:
My marriage is over. I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.
I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.
My marriage is over. I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.
I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.