canuckblue
Player Valuation: £50m
Hear about the fight between the carpenter and the ice merchant? They went at it hammer and tong.
Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
I was watching the London Marathon and noticed one guy dressed as a chicken and one guy dressed as an egg.
I thought, this could be interesting.
I thought, this could be interesting.
gonetomorrow
Player Valuation: £80m
My wife is not a great joke teller but occasionally she comes out with an old one. That means we laugh all the harder.
Latest is: Waiter! What's this fly doing in my soup?
I believe it's the breast stroke, madam.
Latest is: Waiter! What's this fly doing in my soup?
I believe it's the breast stroke, madam.
hallamblue
Player Valuation: £50m
What dish has poultry eyeing up a lettuce?
Chicken Caesar Salad
(my wife told me that one)
Chicken Caesar Salad
(my wife told me that one)
A man is putting up billboard posters for the next big film at the local cinema. A lady walks past and says " ooh, is King Kong coming?" The man replies "No, it's the paste dripping off my brush"
Time to LOWER THE TONE!!!!!!
An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating.
He said, "What are you doing father?"
"It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why father?" he asked.
"Because my wrist is killing me," the priest replied.
An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating.
He said, "What are you doing father?"
"It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why father?" he asked.
"Because my wrist is killing me," the priest replied.
a bell maul
Player Valuation: £30m
...or cannoning into the brown
Why do they have barcodes on the returning Swedish fleet?
So they can Scandinavian.
So they can Scandinavian.
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
"Father," said Lily, "why did you name me Lily?" Lily's father smiled, "On the day you were born, a gentle breeze carried a lily through the window, and it gently fell onto your forehead, and so we named you Lily." Lily smiled at her father, and went back to playing.
On that same day, Lily's sister, Rose, walked up to her father and said, "Father, why did you name me Rose?" Rose's father tousled her hair, and replied, "When we left the hospital on the day of your birth, a rose petal carried in the breeze fell upon your forehead, and so we named you Rose." Rose smiled, and went back to playing.
Later that day, the youngest girl in the family, Cinderblock, walked up to her father and said "GRRRAAAaaaAAAAaaHHH!!"
On that same day, Lily's sister, Rose, walked up to her father and said, "Father, why did you name me Rose?" Rose's father tousled her hair, and replied, "When we left the hospital on the day of your birth, a rose petal carried in the breeze fell upon your forehead, and so we named you Rose." Rose smiled, and went back to playing.
Later that day, the youngest girl in the family, Cinderblock, walked up to her father and said "GRRRAAAaaaAAAAaaHHH!!"
The Cowboy
Player Valuation: £60m
Three blokes in a pub.
First one says 'you won't believe my wife, just gone and bought a brand new BMW...and she can't even drive!'
Second guy says 'that's nothing, my wife just went and ordered a brand new swimming pool...and she can't even swim!'
Third guy says 'that's nothing, my wife just went on girls holiday and took a hundred condoms with her...and she hasn't even got a d!ck!'
First one says 'you won't believe my wife, just gone and bought a brand new BMW...and she can't even drive!'
Second guy says 'that's nothing, my wife just went and ordered a brand new swimming pool...and she can't even swim!'
Third guy says 'that's nothing, my wife just went on girls holiday and took a hundred condoms with her...and she hasn't even got a d!ck!'
A guy sits down in a diner and orders a bowl of hot chilli.
The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".
He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".
The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".
He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".
