Jokes Thread

Dylan · January 16, 2017

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again.

He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9".

Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time.

He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher - and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time - my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"

Seanjd · January 16, 2017

Dylan said:
Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again.

He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9".

Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time.

He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher - and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time - my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"

It made sense when I re-read it in a New York accent.

summerisle · January 18, 2017

Soviet Union jokes recently declassified by the CIA.

Rsoles · January 19, 2017

A little known fact Elvis Presley had a twin named Enis who was a porn movie star so there was Elvis the pelvis and Enis the pen!!

Paul w · January 19, 2017

Rsoles said:
A little known fact Elvis Presley had a twin named Enis who was a porn movie star so there was Elvis the pelvis and Enis the pen!!

Be truthful have you just made that up?

ricardobee · January 19, 2017

I bought my wife a bulldog and despite the squashed nose, rolls of fat and terrible breath, the dog seems to really like her.

Rsoles · January 19, 2017

Paul w said:
Be truthful have you just made that up?

Are you for real ?

Paul w · January 19, 2017

Rsoles said:
Are you for real ?

No, ye,don't know.

summerisle · January 19, 2017

Kurt. · January 19, 2017

Rsoles said:
A little known fact Elvis Presley had a twin named Enis who was a porn movie star so there was Elvis the pelvis and Enis the pen!!

Can't believe enis stole your moniker.

d34noj · January 20, 2017

A farmer walks into his bedroom carrying a lamb under his arm. He walks over to his wife who's laying in bed. "See!" he yells, "This is the pig I have to have sex with whenever you get one of your headaches!" The wife says, "You know that's a lamb under your arm, don't you?" The farmer says, "I wasn't talking to you."

kev · January 23, 2017

My psychiatrist told me that I take things too personal and I'm obsessed with vengeance.

Well we'll see about that :whip:

ricardobee · January 24, 2017

Why do men tend to die before their wives?

Because they want to

AndyC · January 24, 2017

A refuse collector in Cairns, Australia, is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks.
There's no answer.
Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door.
"Harro!" says the Chinese man.
"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again. "No ! No ! Mate, where's your dust bin?"
"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Chinese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your 'wheelie' bin?'"
"OK, OK." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispers in the collector's ear, "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"

AndyC · January 25, 2017

A washing powder salesman knocks on door and a Chinese fellow answers...
The salesman says, "Do you wash in Tide?"
"Yes I wash in tide."
"Why do you wash in Tide sir?'
"Because it too bloody cold out tide!"