summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
Don't remember this one.
Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
Kurt.
Player Valuation: £100m
That reminds me oh when cliff Richard played in China and a fella asked for the tits&fanny song...
Turns out he wanted it'so funny...how we don't talk anymore
A guy comes home from work one day and tells his wife, "You'll never believe this, Jane! Charlie Williams down at the factory claims he's slept with every woman in town except for one! What a goof!"
His wife shakes her head in disgust. "I bet it's that snooty old Sally Jenkins."
His wife shakes her head in disgust. "I bet it's that snooty old Sally Jenkins."
Professor Toffee
On and on, over the hill and the craic is good
Helium walks into a bar.
The bar tender says, "We don't serve noble gasses in here."
Helium doesn't react.
The bar tender says, "We don't serve noble gasses in here."
Helium doesn't react.
Professor Toffee
On and on, over the hill and the craic is good
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: How many can you afford?
A2: Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement be tween the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non- negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non- negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by her/him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm."
A1: How many can you afford?
A2: Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement be tween the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non- negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non- negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by her/him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm."
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 30 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc ?'
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.
One day he was setting off to go hunting and being in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his
walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge... he realised he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor smiled and replied , "My point exactly."
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 30 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc ?'
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.
One day he was setting off to go hunting and being in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his
walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge... he realised he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor smiled and replied , "My point exactly."
tommytowne
Player Valuation: £50m
An old hand and his apprentice are working for the Environment Agency underground in the sewers.
The pair of them are wading through the foul water when the old fella points to some turds floating by and says to the young lad they are from Mr. Wood the carpenter you can tell by the sawdust on the outside.
The kid is amazed and they both carry on when once again some jobbies come flowing past and the mentor says they belong to Jones the baker because of the amount of flour coating the floaters.
Once again, the junior marvels at the older guys knowledge. Excitedly the old bloke says now these beauties hurtling towards us are from my wife. The learner asks how he knows.
Because they have got my pack up wrapped around them!
The pair of them are wading through the foul water when the old fella points to some turds floating by and says to the young lad they are from Mr. Wood the carpenter you can tell by the sawdust on the outside.
The kid is amazed and they both carry on when once again some jobbies come flowing past and the mentor says they belong to Jones the baker because of the amount of flour coating the floaters.
Once again, the junior marvels at the older guys knowledge. Excitedly the old bloke says now these beauties hurtling towards us are from my wife. The learner asks how he knows.
Because they have got my pack up wrapped around them!
Since I am going away to college, my dad sat down to have a talk with me.
He said “OK, Dan, you're going off to college. You're going to be living away from home, in a dorm, surrounded by beautiful girls. So I got you something from the drug store.”
I said “It’s ok, Dad- I already know about condoms.”
He's said “No - anti-depressants.”
He said “OK, Dan, you're going off to college. You're going to be living away from home, in a dorm, surrounded by beautiful girls. So I got you something from the drug store.”
I said “It’s ok, Dad- I already know about condoms.”
He's said “No - anti-depressants.”
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.
One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Harley, and set out to explore the globe.
For the next few weeks, Rick spent his days riding to and through some of the most popular European cities like Paris, London, and Rome.
After seeing all Europe had to offer, he moved on to explore the rest of the world. Over the next few months, he rode through the African savannas, the deserts of Egypt, and even made it to the top of Mount Everest.
He was having the time of his life until he reached a small town in China. Unexpectedly, and out of nowhere, a beautiful Chinese maiden crossed his path, causing him to fly off and crash his motorcycle. Apologizing, the maiden offered Rick to pay for the repairs and a place to stay while they fixed his bike. "My name is Yu! It's an honor to meet you!" the beautiful maiden introduced herself to Rick.
It turned out she was the daughter of a rich magistrate, so he spent the night in a small palace in the center of town. However, due to the scarcity of motorcycle parts, Rick had to spend several days in the palace, in the presence of Yu. Over the next few days, she took a liking to him and his strange American ways. As expected, Rick took a liking to her, too.
The two quickly became inseparable, but Yu's father did not approve, for Rick was an outsider. By the time the motorcycle was finally up and running, Rick had fallen madly in love with Yu and refused to leave. Yu begged her father to let him stay, but instead, the Magistrate had Rick banished from the town. He warned him if he ever came back, he would have him beheaded.
Rick was devastated, he had no motivation to continue on the rest of his journey. It seemed as though there was nothing left for him in the world, if he didn't have his beloved Chinese maiden.
So he did the only thing any other sane guy would do....
Rick rolled back into town screaming,
"I'm never gonna give Yu up!"
One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Harley, and set out to explore the globe.
For the next few weeks, Rick spent his days riding to and through some of the most popular European cities like Paris, London, and Rome.
After seeing all Europe had to offer, he moved on to explore the rest of the world. Over the next few months, he rode through the African savannas, the deserts of Egypt, and even made it to the top of Mount Everest.
He was having the time of his life until he reached a small town in China. Unexpectedly, and out of nowhere, a beautiful Chinese maiden crossed his path, causing him to fly off and crash his motorcycle. Apologizing, the maiden offered Rick to pay for the repairs and a place to stay while they fixed his bike. "My name is Yu! It's an honor to meet you!" the beautiful maiden introduced herself to Rick.
It turned out she was the daughter of a rich magistrate, so he spent the night in a small palace in the center of town. However, due to the scarcity of motorcycle parts, Rick had to spend several days in the palace, in the presence of Yu. Over the next few days, she took a liking to him and his strange American ways. As expected, Rick took a liking to her, too.
The two quickly became inseparable, but Yu's father did not approve, for Rick was an outsider. By the time the motorcycle was finally up and running, Rick had fallen madly in love with Yu and refused to leave. Yu begged her father to let him stay, but instead, the Magistrate had Rick banished from the town. He warned him if he ever came back, he would have him beheaded.
Rick was devastated, he had no motivation to continue on the rest of his journey. It seemed as though there was nothing left for him in the world, if he didn't have his beloved Chinese maiden.
So he did the only thing any other sane guy would do....
Rick rolled back into town screaming,
"I'm never gonna give Yu up!"
d34noj
Player Valuation: £40m
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