Jokes Thread

Man spots a friend of his struggling to walk,bent over and groaning with every step.

Very concerned he asks the friend “what’s wrong are you in pain” friend replies “I’ve had an accident”.

“Oh no what happened was it a car crash,tripped up or fell of a ladder” he asks?

“No no nothing like that I’ve 💩 myself”

“Ahh well,in that case you should walk upright leaning slightly back and holding your keks out at the back”.

Accident victim groans and carries on walking replying “aye,I will - when I’ve finished”



Credit to Jethro RIP.
 
Joey66 said:
"The doctor says, 'Guys, I need to be saved. I heal people and am a valuable resource to the human population.' He grabs a parachute and jumps out.

The professor says, 'Well, I've won the Nobel Peace Prize and spoken to the leaders of the free world. The president of the United States called me the smartest man alive. It is obvious I need to be saved.' He grabs a parachute and jumps out, leaving the priest and the young boy...but only one parachute.

The priest smiles sadly at the boy and says, 'Son, I've lived a long and fruitful life. You are young and have the rest of yours in front of you. Take the last parachute.'

The boy replies, 'It's okay, sir. The smartest man alive just jumped out of the plane with my backpack.'"
Click to expand...
I'm a big fan of starting jokes half way thru. Skip the boring stuff, get to the punchline quicker.
 
An elderly couple are celebrating their 50th anniversary at the restaurant where they first met. At dinner they begin reminiscing about old times. "Honey, do you remember when we made love against that fence out back?" the man asks. "Of course", replies the woman, "that was a night to remember! We should do it again, for old times' sake." The old man grins and takes his wife out the back exit. Their waiter, having overheard this, decides he has to see if they can actually still do it, and follows them out. He sees the old woman lift her dress and the old man drop his trousers. As she leans against the fence he enters her. They immediately start banging each other like jackhammers, frantically pounding into each other. After going at it for a good while, they collapse back onto the ground and lay there gasping. The waiter approaches, and says, "I'm sorry to seem like a voyeur, but that was some of the most amazing sex I've ever seen! I can't believe you two have been doing it like that for 50 years!" The old man replies, "We haven't. 50 years ago that fence wasn't electrified."
 

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