Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
Milk
Udderly delicious
The Fairy Godmother says to Cinderella, "Make sure you're back here by midnight from that ball, or your fanny will turn into a pumpkin"
Later at the ball as she's dancing with the handsome prince, she asks him, "What's your name?"
He says, "I'm Prince Peter the Pumpkin Eater.....what time do you have to be in by?"
She says, "Half six"
Later at the ball as she's dancing with the handsome prince, she asks him, "What's your name?"
He says, "I'm Prince Peter the Pumpkin Eater.....what time do you have to be in by?"
She says, "Half six"
Alanbileysfeathercut
Player Valuation: £80m
A couple get married and decide to take a road-trip in the U.S for their honeymoon. Driving along the highway they spot a sign saying, "Indian with the best memory in the world next left".
So they decide to go in and test him.
Being a football fan the husband asks the Indian, "Who won the FA cup in 1922?"
''Man, UTD beat Liverpool 1-0.''
''Correct'', said the husband in amazement.
So the couple go home and raise a family, and after 25 years of happy marriage they decide to take a second honeymoon, so off they go on their road-trip to the US again.Driving along the highway they spot the same sign they saw 25 years earlier and decide to go in and visit the Indian again. As the husband is walking in he turns to the wife and says that out of respect he will give him a traditional Indian welcome.
When the husband goes in he says to the Indian, "HOW".
The Indian replies, "A penalty in the 38th minute!!''
So they decide to go in and test him.
Being a football fan the husband asks the Indian, "Who won the FA cup in 1922?"
''Man, UTD beat Liverpool 1-0.''
''Correct'', said the husband in amazement.
So the couple go home and raise a family, and after 25 years of happy marriage they decide to take a second honeymoon, so off they go on their road-trip to the US again.Driving along the highway they spot the same sign they saw 25 years earlier and decide to go in and visit the Indian again. As the husband is walking in he turns to the wife and says that out of respect he will give him a traditional Indian welcome.
When the husband goes in he says to the Indian, "HOW".
The Indian replies, "A penalty in the 38th minute!!''
Only works with an American pronunciation.
West Side Charlie
Player Valuation: £5m
Went to my mates funeral yesterday, he had an ice cream van all his life.
Loads of people there, and I thought he only had a few friends, turns out he had hundreds and thousands
Loads of people there, and I thought he only had a few friends, turns out he had hundreds and thousands
Did he top himself?
tommytowne
Player Valuation: £50m
Heard this from Humphrey the chimp.....
Young wife showing her new born son to her mother in law.
He looks nothing like my son she utters.
The young mum lifts up her skirt pointing its a fanny not a photocopier.
Young wife showing her new born son to her mother in law.
He looks nothing like my son she utters.
The young mum lifts up her skirt pointing its a fanny not a photocopier.
Fred came home from university in tears. 'Mum, am I adopted?' 'Of course not,' his mother replied. 'Why would you think such a thing?' Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results — he was no match for any of his relatives and a strong match for a family living on the city's other side."
"Shocked, his mother called her husband.'Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and...and...I don't know how to say this...he may not be our son.'
'Well, obviously!' he replied.
'What do you mean?' she asked.
'It was your idea in the first place,' her husband continued. 'Remember that first night in the hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry? On and on. And then you asked me to change him? I picked a good one, I reckon. Ever so proud of Fred.'"
A dumb guy is overweight, so his doctor puts him on a diet. 'I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat that for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds.' When the guy returns, he's lost nearly 20 pounds."
"'Wow, that's amazing!' the doctor says. 'Did you follow my instructions?'The guy nods. 'I'll tell you, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.'
'From hunger, you mean?' said the doctor.
'No, from skipping,' replied the guy."
"The doctor says, 'Guys, I need to be saved. I heal people and am a valuable resource to the human population.' He grabs a parachute and jumps out.
The professor says, 'Well, I've won the Nobel Peace Prize and spoken to the leaders of the free world. The president of the United States called me the smartest man alive. It is obvious I need to be saved.' He grabs a parachute and jumps out, leaving the priest and the young boy...but only one parachute.
The priest smiles sadly at the boy and says, 'Son, I've lived a long and fruitful life. You are young and have the rest of yours in front of you. Take the last parachute.'
The boy replies, 'It's okay, sir. The smartest man alive just jumped out of the plane with my backpack.'"
The professor says, 'Well, I've won the Nobel Peace Prize and spoken to the leaders of the free world. The president of the United States called me the smartest man alive. It is obvious I need to be saved.' He grabs a parachute and jumps out, leaving the priest and the young boy...but only one parachute.
The priest smiles sadly at the boy and says, 'Son, I've lived a long and fruitful life. You are young and have the rest of yours in front of you. Take the last parachute.'
The boy replies, 'It's okay, sir. The smartest man alive just jumped out of the plane with my backpack.'"
Vintage
Player Valuation: 70m Zimbabwean Dollar
The owner of my local vegetable shop died the other day.
There was a large turnip for his funeral