All right lads, in preparation for the new season I thought I'd get the lay of the land from Premier League clubs before it kicks off and the majority of us are too depressed to answer a bunch of questions from a stranger.
What's a realistic aim for your team this season?
Europa Cup qualification via 5th place in the league. We simply don't have the finances to finish higher because of the ridiculous sums being thrown around by Spurs, Chelsea, City and to a lesser extent United and Arsenal. On any given matchday, those first three have subs' benches that cost more than our entire squad, and that's a degree of depth we simply can't match.
Where do your team need to strengthen to achieve this?
In any area where the depth is either non-existent (CM) or a huge drop-off in talent (RM/RW). The loanee from Barca, Deulofeu, MIGHT be the answer on the right, but it's way too early to tell.
Which new Premier League players are you looking forward to seeing?
I'll admit to a morbid fascination in seeing what on earth Laudrup manages to squeeze out of Jonjo Shelvey. £5m for a Voldemort lookalike seems bonkers to me. Also, the mini-revolution at Carrow Road has got my attention: Redmond and Fer were both names discussed by many Everton fans.
Which of your players do you predict having a big season?
Fellaini. Moving him back to CM will allow him to dominate games. If the referees stop people hacking him down, Mirallas will be huge for us too.
Which of your players do you expect to have a disappointing season?
There's going to be tears up front. I cannot envisage a scenario in which Jelavic and Kone BOTH have good seasons. I also think Pienaar is past his prime and may well fall off the cliff performance-wise this season.
Which fixtures do you immediately look for?
The $hite, United, City, Norwich and Newcastle.
Which away game are you looking forward to the most/least?
Most: Carrow Road. My ex lives there and has kindly arranged some tickets. God willing I shall take her out after the game and sling one up her for old times' sake.
Least: Anfield. The officiating always stinks.
What's your most memorable game against NUFC?
The 4-2 draw last season sticks in the memory for all the wrong reasons. My housemate is a Newcastle fan and he had the good grace to admit that we were robbed.
Newcastle have been in the papers for all the wrong reasons again, what's your take on the Kinnear debacle?
It's blindingly obvious Ashley is trying to engineer Pardew's exit. The eight-year contract will carry a MASSIVE compensation package if he's sacked, so Ashley has got to find a way to make him quit. Parachuting Kinnear in is a bloody good start towards that aim.
Which Newcastle players would you like to see in your side?
Krul.
Pardew winds up quite a few opposition managers, what's your take on him? Is he just playing games? Or is he an Average/Bad manager with a mouth?
He is an average manager with a huge mouth and a stunning lack of perspective and awareness. Some of his remarks about Everton have been totally uncalled for. He does your club's reputation no favours whatsoever. And he appears to be rapidly turning orange.
Where do you expect Newcastle to finish this season?
9th to 12th. Better if you sign a decent striker during this window.
Thanks in advance for any and all answers. I'll be back here to collate them before sticking them on a Newcastle site before the season kicks off.
