Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

collymcd

Player Valuation: £10m
Morning everyone,

I'm after some advice if possible, I really am all over the place at the minute and have no clue what I'm meant to do or how I'm going to get through this.

I haven't spoken to anyone yet so here it goes...

Long story short, a drunken lads weekend in Prague a few weeks ago led to a brass house. A split condom and weeks later and here I am, just finding out that I have contracted HIV. I've been so stressed over the past few weeks, crunching the statistical numbers trying to concise myself I haven't got it. A 3% chance a prostitute would carry the virus in Prague, then a 0.08% chance of contracting it... I guess I found myself in that small number!

Symptom after symptom appeared in the weeks following, I kept putting them down to other things but I could feel deep down I had it.

To make matters worse and this is what is killing me, I have been with my girlfriend for 7 years and love her so much. I've held off any sexual contact for the past 6 weeks, she's in bits thinking I don't love her and I've found someone else... and I'm telling her it's stress with work... But she knows it's not.

I live with my girlfriends parents at the minute as we try to save for a house.

I really don't know how I'm going to tell her.

I don't want people knowing about my having the virus too. My girlfriend and friends know each other, and I know things are going to get around very quick and soon I will be spoken about everywhere and the stigma of HIV will hang above my head.

If I'm kicked out of her house and she splits up with me, I don't know what I'll do. I haven't got any parents except a brother who has his own family and I wouldn't want to be a burden. I feel like I can't tell any of my friends of family

All of this is just spiralling around my head, all right before Christmas.

I've got a job that can be very stressful and is client facing , meaning I've got to portray that I'm ok all of the time

I really don't know what to do
I agree with @COYBL25. Get yourself in to speak with a professional psychotherapist.
Most of the stress you're under at the moment seems to be around telling your girlfriend and the aftermath. This is something you'll need to do eventually so speaking it through first with can help you sort out how you're going to approach it.

Of course, it changes things with her but hopefully it's something that can be forgiven. People make mistakes. Do you think she can forgive?

As far as the condition goes, and you most likely know a lot more about it than me, isn't it relatively controllable? To the point where partners can have unprotected sex without fear of passing it on?

Definitely get in to start speaking about all of this to as soon as you can. Mentally running through all of the possible scenarios will only torture yourself and you really don't deserve that anguish.
 

MrD

Player Valuation: £6m
@MrD its been a while my friend. How you been?
Grinch! Thanks for thinking of me. Yeah, I'm ok. A lot better than I was which is great. I'm still not tip top and I don't think I'll ever be but I'm few steps up from the bottom.

I've got a hard few months ahead of me. Lots of things I've been avoiding will be here soon. I just hope the first hard day I have doesn't break me.

How are you mate?
 

Grinch

*Sips Coffee*
Grinch! Thanks for thinking of me. Yeah, I'm ok. A lot better than I was which is great. I'm still not tip top and I don't think I'll ever be but I'm few steps up from the bottom.

I've got a hard few months ahead of me. Lots of things I've been avoiding will be here soon. I just hope the first hard day I have doesn't break me.

How are you mate?
It is so good to hear from you. Doing very well. Just made it to London for a trip. Heading up to Liverpool Saturday for the Arsenal game. Pretty stoked! I am glad you are doing well! Makes me very happy
 

MrD

Player Valuation: £6m
It is so good to hear from you. Doing very well. Just made it to London for a trip. Heading up to Liverpool Saturday for the Arsenal game. Pretty stoked! I am glad you are doing well! Makes me very happy
Thanks mate. Means lot people still think of me.

Enjoy your trip.
 

Cardano

Player Valuation: £500k
I’ve struggled with severe depression for years and years. Ever since my early teens. I’m convinced that at times my mental state has deteriorated into something beyond depression, something closer to psychosis, to the verge of losing touch with reality and developing delusions and paranoia, though I’ve never been able to get a diagnosis on this and have i think never got to the point were I’ve totally lost touch with reality. I’ve always just about managed to recognise that there is a problem there.

I guess there are many causes of mental health problems like mine but I’m sure that one of the major causes was my childhood experience. My parents were alcoholics - one functioning, one very much not - and were very abusive in a number of ways. My childhood was marked by a lot of fear and a lot of severe unhappiness and insecurity, and being exposed to much violence.

This ultimately resulted in me getting to my teenage years as a person without any self confidence at all and essentially feelings of inferiority and worthlessness.

I’m not blowing my own trumpet in saying that I did manage to build some pride in myself by being resilient enough to manage to some extent. I managed to get myself to uni a bit later in life and build my confidence somewhat.

It’s always been a struggle though. I’ve always felt I’m in a battle, a few steps away from falling to bits and collapsing.

There have been times in my life when I’ve gone on a roll. A few years of things going well and being at least content. But then there have been several episodes when I’ve crashed and everything has gone to bits. These periods often result in me falling out of employment and going into hibernation and experiencing severe anxiety and stress.

I’ve toyed with recreational drugs a lot though life. And although I never felt like this resulted in seriousness issues of addiction or dependence, several doctors have pointed out that persistent weed smoking for example probably doesn’t help at all with developing my self confidence and self esteem. I’ve taken this on board and resolved to at least try and limit any use. And this combined with just growing out of that kind of stuff has resulted in using less and less. I gave up smoking weed back in January and any coke use has dwindled to very occasionally being persuaded to accept a line or two off someone on a night out.

Then earlier this year an almost three year relationship with a girl ended. Even though I recognised that the relationship had been fizzling out and wasn’t really working, the ending really hit me internally. I had these massive feelings of worthlessness and being unloveable and all the rest of it.

And this led to the absolute abyss. Despite being fully aware of the dangers and staying well away for years, I’ve ended up succumbing to the real bad drugs. Heroin and crack.

Now I know most people take a dim view of users of this stuff and look down on those who use. And I get that. But I will point out that even in the hell of addiction and desperation I will not lose sight of my essential self and the morals I have. I have been in situations over the past few months when I’ve had no access to cash and I’ve been in severe withdrawals. And it’s been hell. Serious pain and suffering. And I’ve just soaked it up and suffered. And not once did the idea of stealing off anyone, or even shop lifting, ever enter my head. I’m not like that. It’s a line I won’t cross. I won’t make other innocent people pay a price to resolve my self inflicted suffering. I’ve proven that and I’m proud of it. So I don’t want to be tarred with that brush.

But it is ruining my life. I have pretty much spent everything I have. Even to the extent of dipping into my rent money and falling behind in arrears, so putting myself in danger of eviction. I’m on methadone so that has pretty much dealt with the heroin issue. But the crack isn’t so easy to deal with. It’s evil man. It becomes an obsession and just drains everything you have.

This has all worsened my self esteem and confidence to that extent that I’m often wondering what the point is in trying to sort things out. That I’m really not worth the effort and it would be better to just allow the ultimate conclusion to come around and let it finish me off.

I’m heading full speed into a wall and just can’t seem to stop myself.

No doubt I’m going to get some strong reactions and negativity on here now. And I know I deserve it. So lay it on me.
 

efcforever

Player Valuation: £10m
I’ve struggled with severe depression for years and years. Ever since my early teens. I’m convinced that at times my mental state has deteriorated into something beyond depression, something closer to psychosis, to the verge of losing touch with reality and developing delusions and paranoia, though I’ve never been able to get a diagnosis on this and have i think never got to the point were I’ve totally lost touch with reality. I’ve always just about managed to recognise that there is a problem there.

I guess there are many causes of mental health problems like mine but I’m sure that one of the major causes was my childhood experience. My parents were alcoholics - one functioning, one very much not - and were very abusive in a number of ways. My childhood was marked by a lot of fear and a lot of severe unhappiness and insecurity, and being exposed to much violence.

This ultimately resulted in me getting to my teenage years as a person without any self confidence at all and essentially feelings of inferiority and worthlessness.

I’m not blowing my own trumpet in saying that I did manage to build some pride in myself by being resilient enough to manage to some extent. I managed to get myself to uni a bit later in life and build my confidence somewhat.

It’s always been a struggle though. I’ve always felt I’m in a battle, a few steps away from falling to bits and collapsing.

There have been times in my life when I’ve gone on a roll. A few years of things going well and being at least content. But then there have been several episodes when I’ve crashed and everything has gone to bits. These periods often result in me falling out of employment and going into hibernation and experiencing severe anxiety and stress.

I’ve toyed with recreational drugs a lot though life. And although I never felt like this resulted in seriousness issues of addiction or dependence, several doctors have pointed out that persistent weed smoking for example probably doesn’t help at all with developing my self confidence and self esteem. I’ve taken this on board and resolved to at least try and limit any use. And this combined with just growing out of that kind of stuff has resulted in using less and less. I gave up smoking weed back in January and any coke use has dwindled to very occasionally being persuaded to accept a line or two off someone on a night out.

Then earlier this year an almost three year relationship with a girl ended. Even though I recognised that the relationship had been fizzling out and wasn’t really working, the ending really hit me internally. I had these massive feelings of worthlessness and being unloveable and all the rest of it.

And this led to the absolute abyss. Despite being fully aware of the dangers and staying well away for years, I’ve ended up succumbing to the real bad drugs. Heroin and crack.

Now I know most people take a dim view of users of this stuff and look down on those who use. And I get that. But I will point out that even in the hell of addiction and desperation I will not lose sight of my essential self and the morals I have. I have been in situations over the past few months when I’ve had no access to cash and I’ve been in severe withdrawals. And it’s been hell. Serious pain and suffering. And I’ve just soaked it up and suffered. And not once did the idea of stealing off anyone, or even shop lifting, ever enter my head. I’m not like that. It’s a line I won’t cross. I won’t make other innocent people pay a price to resolve my self inflicted suffering. I’ve proven that and I’m proud of it. So I don’t want to be tarred with that brush.

But it is ruining my life. I have pretty much spent everything I have. Even to the extent of dipping into my rent money and falling behind in arrears, so putting myself in danger of eviction. I’m on methadone so that has pretty much dealt with the heroin issue. But the crack isn’t so easy to deal with. It’s evil man. It becomes an obsession and just drains everything you have.

This has all worsened my self esteem and confidence to that extent that I’m often wondering what the point is in trying to sort things out. That I’m really not worth the effort and it would be better to just allow the ultimate conclusion to come around and let it finish me off.

I’m heading full speed into a wall and just can’t seem to stop myself.

No doubt I’m going to get some strong reactions and negativity on here now. And I know I deserve it. So lay it on me.
Very brave post mate. Firstly I would never judge anyone for substance abuse. In tough times we all have different coping strategies and it can happen to anyone. The important thing now is tackling it. Are you in regular contact with your GP? That is usually the best place to start.

My dad was an alcoholic for years when I was growing up. He and my mum used to drink regularly and it got to the point where I'd feel anxious when ever the booze was brought out at home because I knew where it would end up. Fortunately they both knocked it on the head about 8 years ago and have never looked back. I've read alot about the effect of alcoholic parents on children and it does seem to affect the children into adulthood.

I would get to your GP (if you haven't already) and ask for support with the crack. Hopefully they can advise you of some support groups etc.
 

carlos21

Player Valuation: £70m
Grinch! Thanks for thinking of me. Yeah, I'm ok. A lot better than I was which is great. I'm still not tip top and I don't think I'll ever be but I'm few steps up from the bottom.

I've got a hard few months ahead of me. Lots of things I've been avoiding will be here soon. I just hope the first hard day I have doesn't break me.

How are you mate?
Hello mate how are you feeling today any sickness.
 

collymcd

Player Valuation: £10m
I’ve struggled with severe depression for years and years. Ever since my early teens. I’m convinced that at times my mental state has deteriorated into something beyond depression, something closer to psychosis, to the verge of losing touch with reality and developing delusions and paranoia, though I’ve never been able to get a diagnosis on this and have i think never got to the point were I’ve totally lost touch with reality. I’ve always just about managed to recognise that there is a problem there.

I guess there are many causes of mental health problems like mine but I’m sure that one of the major causes was my childhood experience. My parents were alcoholics - one functioning, one very much not - and were very abusive in a number of ways. My childhood was marked by a lot of fear and a lot of severe unhappiness and insecurity, and being exposed to much violence.

This ultimately resulted in me getting to my teenage years as a person without any self confidence at all and essentially feelings of inferiority and worthlessness.

I’m not blowing my own trumpet in saying that I did manage to build some pride in myself by being resilient enough to manage to some extent. I managed to get myself to uni a bit later in life and build my confidence somewhat.

It’s always been a struggle though. I’ve always felt I’m in a battle, a few steps away from falling to bits and collapsing.

There have been times in my life when I’ve gone on a roll. A few years of things going well and being at least content. But then there have been several episodes when I’ve crashed and everything has gone to bits. These periods often result in me falling out of employment and going into hibernation and experiencing severe anxiety and stress.

I’ve toyed with recreational drugs a lot though life. And although I never felt like this resulted in seriousness issues of addiction or dependence, several doctors have pointed out that persistent weed smoking for example probably doesn’t help at all with developing my self confidence and self esteem. I’ve taken this on board and resolved to at least try and limit any use. And this combined with just growing out of that kind of stuff has resulted in using less and less. I gave up smoking weed back in January and any coke use has dwindled to very occasionally being persuaded to accept a line or two off someone on a night out.

Then earlier this year an almost three year relationship with a girl ended. Even though I recognised that the relationship had been fizzling out and wasn’t really working, the ending really hit me internally. I had these massive feelings of worthlessness and being unloveable and all the rest of it.

And this led to the absolute abyss. Despite being fully aware of the dangers and staying well away for years, I’ve ended up succumbing to the real bad drugs. Heroin and crack.

Now I know most people take a dim view of users of this stuff and look down on those who use. And I get that. But I will point out that even in the hell of addiction and desperation I will not lose sight of my essential self and the morals I have. I have been in situations over the past few months when I’ve had no access to cash and I’ve been in severe withdrawals. And it’s been hell. Serious pain and suffering. And I’ve just soaked it up and suffered. And not once did the idea of stealing off anyone, or even shop lifting, ever enter my head. I’m not like that. It’s a line I won’t cross. I won’t make other innocent people pay a price to resolve my self inflicted suffering. I’ve proven that and I’m proud of it. So I don’t want to be tarred with that brush.

But it is ruining my life. I have pretty much spent everything I have. Even to the extent of dipping into my rent money and falling behind in arrears, so putting myself in danger of eviction. I’m on methadone so that has pretty much dealt with the heroin issue. But the crack isn’t so easy to deal with. It’s evil man. It becomes an obsession and just drains everything you have.

This has all worsened my self esteem and confidence to that extent that I’m often wondering what the point is in trying to sort things out. That I’m really not worth the effort and it would be better to just allow the ultimate conclusion to come around and let it finish me off.

I’m heading full speed into a wall and just can’t seem to stop myself.

No doubt I’m going to get some strong reactions and negativity on here now. And I know I deserve it. So lay it on me.
Fair play for posting that. Don't buy in to the negative press on addiction. It's a solution to suffering, not a moral issue.

The way you're treating yourself is violent. I'm sure what you experienced as a kid has had a really profound affect there. Nobody deserves that and nobody deserves the punishment you're giving yourself now either.

Is there anything that you really enjoy doing, or could enjoy doing? Especially if it involves other people. I think focusing on that connection could be a great place to kickstart you towards a better place.
 

Cardano

Player Valuation: £500k
Very brave post mate. Firstly I would never judge anyone for substance abuse. In tough times we all have different coping strategies and it can happen to anyone. The important thing now is tackling it. Are you in regular contact with your GP? That is usually the best place to start.

My dad was an alcoholic for years when I was growing up. He and my mum used to drink regularly and it got to the point where I'd feel anxious when ever the booze was brought out at home because I knew where it would end up. Fortunately they both knocked it on the head about 8 years ago and have never looked back. I've read alot about the effect of alcoholic parents on children and it does seem to affect the children into adulthood.

I would get to your GP (if you haven't already) and ask for support with the crack. Hopefully they can advise you of some support groups etc.
The GPs just refer you to the drug rehab services, who obviously I’m in touch with and have sorted me methadone. I’ve found that with methadone, along with the tolerance effect, getting on top of the heroin has been quite straight forward.

With the other stuff though unfortunately there is no medication to help with that. It’s just a matter of will power. They have sign posted me towards NA meetings which I haven’t been tried yet. I’m pretty sceptical towards those sort of things although I realise beggars can’t be choosers and will probably try at some point.

A fair few friends have almost given up on me. Not really in the sense that they’ve cut me off. But in the sense of them saying they don’t really know how to help.

But a couple I know got in touch with me last night and have invited me to go over to their place at the weekend for what sounds like an intervention kind of thing. Just the thought of it has relaxed me a bit. Fingers crossed.
 

Cardano

Player Valuation: £500k
Fair play for posting that. Don't buy in to the negative press on addiction. It's a solution to suffering, not a moral issue.

The way you're treating yourself is violent. I'm sure what you experienced as a kid has had a really profound affect there. Nobody deserves that and nobody deserves the punishment you're giving yourself now either.

Is there anything that you really enjoy doing, or could enjoy doing? Especially if it involves other people. I think focusing on that connection could be a great place to kickstart you towards a better place.
Thanks for the response.

Can’t think of anything I’d enjoy now to be honest. Guess that thing about losing interest in normally enjoyable activities is full on with me right now.

I know I shouldn’t rely on other people to get me out of this and I should be looking to do it myself. But what I really feel I need right now is for a Good Samaritan to take me in, keep me under lock and key for a few weeks and pull me through this.

As I mentioned in a post above, it sounds like some friends have organised an intervention type thing for me at the weekend so hopefully that’ll be a step in the right direction.
 

Cardano

Player Valuation: £500k
Morning everyone,

I'm after some advice if possible, I really am all over the place at the minute and have no clue what I'm meant to do or how I'm going to get through this.

I haven't spoken to anyone yet so here it goes...

Long story short, a drunken lads weekend in Prague a few weeks ago led to a brass house. A split condom and weeks later and here I am, just finding out that I have contracted HIV. I've been so stressed over the past few weeks, crunching the statistical numbers trying to concise myself I haven't got it. A 3% chance a prostitute would carry the virus in Prague, then a 0.08% chance of contracting it... I guess I found myself in that small number!

Symptom after symptom appeared in the weeks following, I kept putting them down to other things but I could feel deep down I had it.

To make matters worse and this is what is killing me, I have been with my girlfriend for 7 years and love her so much. I've held off any sexual contact for the past 6 weeks, she's in bits thinking I don't love her and I've found someone else... and I'm telling her it's stress with work... But she knows it's not.

I live with my girlfriends parents at the minute as we try to save for a house.

I really don't know how I'm going to tell her.

I don't want people knowing about my having the virus too. My girlfriend and friends know each other, and I know things are going to get around very quick and soon I will be spoken about everywhere and the stigma of HIV will hang above my head.

If I'm kicked out of her house and she splits up with me, I don't know what I'll do. I haven't got any parents except a brother who has his own family and I wouldn't want to be a burden. I feel like I can't tell any of my friends of family

All of this is just spiralling around my head, all right before Christmas.

I've got a job that can be very stressful and is client facing , meaning I've got to portray that I'm ok all of the time

I really don't know what to do
That’s an intense situation to be in mate and certainly helps someone like me put my problems into perspective.

First thing that needs saying, as others have pointed out on here, you absolutely need professional help to deal with this. People on here can provide sympathy and a bit of comfort but you need the professional support. Which luckily there’s plenty of these days.

I know it’s perhaps easy for people unaffected to say, but the way medicine has evolved, this isn’t as grim a scenario as it once was. I have one or two friends who are living with HIV and I can honestly tell you they live completely normal, happy and healthy lives. So however distressed you may feel right now, going forward it isn’t the end of the world. You will deal with this and come to terms with it at some point.

You’ve been dealt a [Poor language removed] hand no doubt. Good luck with everything.
 

Jokerdan

Player Valuation: £5m
That’s an intense situation to be in mate and certainly helps someone like me put my problems into perspective.

First thing that needs saying, as others have pointed out on here, you absolutely need professional help to deal with this. People on here can provide sympathy and a bit of comfort but you need the professional support. Which luckily there’s plenty of these days.

I know it’s perhaps easy for people unaffected to say, but the way medicine has evolved, this isn’t as grim a scenario as it once was. I have one or two friends who are living with HIV and I can honestly tell you they live completely normal, happy and healthy lives. So however distressed you may feel right now, going forward it isn’t the end of the world. You will deal with this and come to terms with it at some point.

You’ve been dealt a [Poor language removed] hand no doubt. Good luck with everything.
I have a friend who works in our local GUM clinic and as @Cardano says the treatment nowadays is so amazing that they, in all honesty, told me they would rather be HIV+ than have cancer. Plus some of the drugs they provide make it virtually impossible to pass on the virus by reducing the levels to almost negligible counts so much so that it's possible to still go on and raise a family.
I know you're going through a lot of inner turmoil and my heart goes out to you but it's no longer life threatening and doesn't carry the stigma it once did.
I hope you resolve things in your head and personal relationship.
 

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