Man City v Everton Preview

It seems like ages doesn’t it? Out of sight out of mind maybe but that weekend distraction of ours, la cosa nostra, is returning for a few more weeks.And what a way to start it all, with a visit to domestic-violence-&-everyone-owns-a-part-share-in-a-greyhound-City.

About that international break though.

The international break was brought in on the proviso it would benefit the England team by allowing more time for squad and tactical familiarisation, and preparation time for the games. Prior to it international games was played in midweek with full league fixtures book ending the week itself.

Well you can be the judge if it’s been a success, see a few million small town fat Brexiters with erectile dysfunction and crap tattoos fume this week, but if the policy hasn’t worked then far from me to say but doesn’t that merit a revoking of the policy or new strategy?

Let’s cut to the chase: international football is dull and for dull people. It needs to be carefully managed so fans don’t end up resenting it. Or scrap it for summer qualifying tournaments. Something, anything. Just not this continued interruptions to something most care about most.

Onwards Evertonians. How did we do last time out? It was the Crystal Palace game wasn’t it? It’s fair to say the honeymoon is over as we’ve witnessed Ronald Koeman farting, hell some of you have even smelled it, and it’s just us and Ronald in a room with a bunch of eagerly anticipated Argos vouchers and a lifetime of chronic decline until one of you dies or one of you has an affair and gets caught.

Makes it sound negative but it’s not, Everton have toughened up their defence but this squad isn’t good enough to finish top four so our aims is top half of table with a whiff of Europe if we get some momentum. Of course it’s not good enough for Everton and our new found supposed riches, but it’s better than the past couple of years, and nearly as good as the entire decade before that.

There’s certain benchmarks in addition to league position that many of us read far much into along the way. One of which is away to Man City who more than give us a game these days. Which is no surprise as they’re much better than us right now. Swallow that pill.

Man City themselves are also in a similar position where they have gone to do the washing and the previously perfect Mr Guardiola has left a variable tree bark of a skid in his pristine Calvin Kleins, as they’re hastily put into the washing machine. Too late now though, it’s gonna be playing on your mind next time you get down and dirty and the first seedlings of crushing disappointment are sewn.

There’s gonna be tiki, there’s gonna be taka, and somewhere of the middle of it all Everton are going to be oft patronised by a media desperate for page clicks trying to turn both club’s average recent form into a crisis.

What about Man City fans though? What sort of company are they going to bring to this occasion? Well, similar to the kopites there is a marmite situation. Some of them – like the older match going ones – are alright. They’ve seen the dirge of their inner city working class club and right now they’re enjoying it immensely. Good on them too, who wouldn’t?

However there, shall we call it, a larger mouth breathing explosion of meffiness from other City fans who are right into the footeh bantz and due to limited intelligence and poor perception skills think that supporting a currently successful team gives them an elevated status over other species on the planet. In fact their inane identity is almost ironed onto Man City like wonderweb and as the hem erodes through use right there in all it’s full glory is the goblin faced cretins ruining what was previously quite a nice pair of chinos.

They’re exactly how I’d imagine Newcastle fans to be if they ever managed any success, which is as close to unbearable as you’ll find in the dictionary. BUT ID RATHER DER HATE URSS DAT MEANS WE URR SUCCESSFUL. No you two celled simpletons, it just means that you’re dirty fingernailed clitmonkeys who sully the experience of what is a very decent club. It’s an off shoot of wool behaviour but in general terms when you think about it Manchester really is the unelected capital of woolness with it’s aligned fashion, scruffy behaviour and halitosis ridden small syndrome gel heads at complete unease with having to deal with anybody from outside Manchester.

Donald Trump would fit right into a pub in the suburbs of Manchester, no one would blink an eye if he has a manc accent. The hair, the latent bigotry, the lot. It’s a hive of undesirables.


Yes lads, well in. Why the f you wearing Donnay trabs and saying that like? A grey city, a grey people.

All of the above is cheap low grade satire naturally, they voted to remain in the referendum and we need as many like minded inhabitants of the island with basic perception skills as we can get. Well in Manchester.

Which players are they gonna muller us with? Maybe some of the below players:

Aguero – sharp shooting porno-ewok who’s a rarity of being actually alright for what he is: one of the best players in the world.

Silva – come of think of it, see above.

De Bruyne – another ace player, offset by being devoid of melanin and having the exact same eyes as your first school hamster.

Sterling – one pure little beaut, proof that karma can’t exist, starting to play well for City. Hurt him.

Nolito – ripped us apart a few pre-seasons ago at Prenton Park, will probably do the same again. Hurt him.

Gundogan – seriously do we even stand a chance?

Stones – ah yes we do, you know what to do Everton, pressure him. The Creature-Comforts-eyed beanpole RAT.

Zabaleta – I like him a lot, cracking right back and competitive with it. Hurt him.

Bravo – state of your name lad. Maim him on a set piece.

Enough of City? Me too. St Domingos time.

Lukaku may or may not have a knock but will probably play. There’s a lot of debate on Roth Barthly’s inclusion in the first team on a continual basis but there’s not much in way of an alternative so he’ll probably continue.

Cleverley was played on the left in a Martinez throw back style v Palace and stands a good chance of starting v City as he’s track-back-tastic which may make some of you, OK me, lament not focusing on being an athlete at school and jockeying more as if this earns you £200k a month then who wouldn’t? Probably Bolasie on the other wing and if we are to take anything from the game then we’ll have to hope he turns up brimming to the top with Grime tunes from his Beats Pro, or we’ll struggle to score a goal as their full backs bum us repeatedly.

Gareth Barry returns to his former stomping ground which offers little value to the preview but seems amiss not to point out, he will be accompanied by our man Gana Gueye in the middle. Unless our manager Ronald Koeman, with his face like an unloved moon, decides for some form of wildcard option in there.

Defence will be mostly Phil Jagielka with spells of Ashley Williams trying to foul David Silva without fouling David Silva, and two full backs tucked in deeper than normal turning their arse on crosses. Is Baines fit yet? Oviedo actually did well last game out I thought. Stekelenburg in goal who’s on my Everton calendar about three games or a derby defeat from being an actual boo boy. You’re a fickle lot but it’s part of the reason I love you so.

So there we are, feels a bit weird that Everton are back to alter the chemical compounds of your weekends. Is City that big a game that we hope to keep it tight and nick a goalless draw? No. Are Everton likely to win? No.

Do something Everton.

My Cart Close (×)

Your cart is empty
Browse Shop