Firstly I want to apologise for the title which in no way reflects any opinion that follows afterwards, it was just too corny to turn down for this particular internet idiot.

So that’s it, Ronald Koeman has agreed to become the 20th man ever to be able to call themselves full time Everton Manager. It was a long drawn out thing but we are assured that he was our number one target from the off, and that is heartening to learn as the longer it went on I was expecting Andy Gray to jib us off and David Moyes to be be unveiled with an upside down scarf sometime late in July.


Modern day football fans are animated by tokenism, and signs of ambition and signs of intent and AMBISHUN LAR so to nail your number one target, from a club five places above you in the league and to make him eschew European football to join your low grade brand of dirge is quite some achievement.

Note to Southampton fans: this is not a signed confession that we’re not as a big as you. You could do with some help for size anxiety though judging by the last few weeks.

Here’s a question: name a single player or manager that’s moved from Southampton to Everton in history to further their ambitions and aspirations.

Got it yet?

No me neither. End of chat really.


You’ve got wikipedia if you want to read about the microcosms about Koeman’s life and career. Details isn’t a thing of mine so I’ll just reflect on a playing career in which I remember a fine central defender who absoutely wellied in free kicks in the name of winning trophies. Leagues, Cups, couple of European Cups with different clubs. But Ronald Koeman has not come to Everton as a player, albeit regretfully.

As a manager there’s been leagues and cups too, and as you’ve probably read some downturns too, because that’s what people like to focus on looking for harbingers of imminent doom.

No predicting the future here so we can only wait and see, and if it doesn’t work out then we’ll simply seduce someone else’s ace manager or if it does work out then we’ll all hail Ronald Koeman. Until Barcelona takes him and then we’ll lament our luck and try not to meltdown like Southampton fans because Barcelona have won much more than us and have a bigger name to attract players and managers and that’s just how football works, particularly these days.


Seven million pounds a year is a powerful seduction and no mistake, it’s an eye watering amount for any Everton employee to ever earn but with that paper also comes expectation. If you’re paid top buck then you’ll be under no illusions that the paymaster will be expecting top performance, and thus starts a cycle that either drives you to success or drains your resources until you’re bankrupt and playing at Elland Road every second week. You sloth pug faced no marks, remember trying to look down on us because you made it to a European Cup semi final?

We’ll see a few changes over the next few weeks as it will be presumably all systems go with the largest amount of money – oh ok then “a warchest” – is apparently on offer to Koeman to start that being ace process. Again that’s not a guarantee of success as rather wonderfully them dull half Scottish lizards have shown wearing black and white in the North East, and even closer to home the small African country GDP spent annually by Liverpool chasing their next Paul Ince sized final piece of the jigsaw.

The modern game is helped somewhat by having money to spend and more than that it excites our younger generation in a crazy manner as we sign some apparent “ballers’ who they won all sorts on FIFA Career with. Got to keep all factions happy you see.

Ronald completed his first Everton interview in which he said some stuff, and then some more stuff, and with there being no obvious ambiguity to read into – like the John Stones body language readers – he was declared sound and then lids can start getting excited now.


I never comment on photos but Christ, them kits. Boss.

Indeed Koeman has had a no nonsense approach to his career consistently. There’s been some noted fall outs with colleagues and staff and there’s a certain bluntness to words to the media about his own side’s deficiency. Just as we went for the opposite of the pragmatic Moyes to the blue sky thinking Martinez, as we have now reverted from everything being phenomenal to hopefully some of the overpaid pampered beauts being verbally volleyed up the arse when their titty lip is out. It’s very much in line with the Everton fan base to not beat around the bush or try to blag stuff. Call it what it is and do what you say you will and it gives you a solid foundation for even the most angriest of dars giving you an easier ride from the Gwladys Street.

With a face like a bee stung Eskimo, Koeman has shown adaptability in his approach to the game which hopefully means the opposition will not be turning up smug to Goodison knowing exactly what to expect and too often achieving their aims. He also has more than a fair smattering of arl arse about him so that should manifest into Everton players snapping into tackles on the pitch of which there’s no greater aphrodisiac for the loyal masses watching. We love a snide shithawk antagonising the various shitheads that have the temerity to try to play on our pitch every fortnight.

He will also hopefully address the cult of superstar hanging over the club which has seen certain players have their ego boosted on a weekly basis and think it’s fine to talk up their own ambitions at the expense of plucky lil Everton. Anyone who doesn’t fit into that element of team can quite frankly do one as the togetherness of a snarling Everton team has been sorely lacking for a while now.

There’s glaring imbalances in the Everton team which we can hope gets addressed, such as lack of creativity in the midfield, no striker capable of holding the ball up, a keeper that doesn’t win us points and a defence that can neither stop a cross or deal with one. That’s for starters.


There’s also lots to build with including some genuinely class young players already in the team and on the verge of breaking into it. Rather sourly Southampton fans were bemoaning Koeman’s lack of opportunities for the youth but that’s out of sync with the clubs the Dutch man has managed where he’s been a keen advocate of young players being given opportunity and developed.

There’s also a question of retaining some of the afore referenced players who may see their future away from Goodison Park. Any player not wanting to be paid a small ransom and play for Everton should be quickly shifted from the payroll but in the instance of John Stones can you think of a better ball playing centre half to learn from? It will all come out in the wash in time.

A new, bolder Everton is seemingly here. If that doesn’t stir your cockles than on you go. If you stick around and do well there’s every chance you’ll get a payrise. Still not good enough? Then hope the Juventus and PSG scouts were too busy playing Score Hero or bashing numerous brass off their tits on flake rather than being sat in the stands as you’re being subbed for Divick Origi. Some of us have seen Dixie Dean, Tommy Lawton, Dave Hickson, Alex Young, Joe Royle, Bob Latchford and Graeme Sharp play for us. Hopefully that’s considered next time a Belgian microphone is put in front of your entitled grid.

Or maybe this piece has gone down the road of misplaced optimism, maybe it will be “vaulted” in years to come as Everton are left in ruin by the next Randy Lerner or Hicks and Gillett, or proclaiming Le Tallec to better than Ronaldo?

It could easily happen. That’s the interwebz.


Which would make you more anxious than when the captain turns on the seatbelt sign as your Malaysian Air flight hits turbulence over open seas. Or maybe even spotting a bog eyed youth with over gelled hair and a t shirt with what seems to be cyrillic text posturing on the nearest French corner to you and your friends while you’re sat having a leisurely beer.

There’s a tendency amongst all the tokenism I mentioned before to declare turning points and the birth of new glory yet many of these changes rarely end up in the fairy tale predicted. As a group of fans we are continually studying sequences to herald our new Kevin Brock moment, even though there has only ever been one in our history. The best progression generally is built with precision and in good time which in turns makes it sustainable. That’s a bit at odds with the urgency and focus on Premier League football but we’re a patient bunch at Everton, right until the point you get laced at Hull or Newcastle. Or you make Baines apologise for comments.


So this season should be one of progression no matter how slow it may seem. You can seldom fool the Goodison crowd, they can see good things coming. Like a team playing for its manager and snapping into tackles to try and win the game by sheer will.

Throw in a few exciting signings to address the flaws in the team and an upbeat Christmas ditty on the official site and we’re heading in right direction. A win at Anfield would be most welcome too. We’ve finally a manager who’s seen bigger days and venues than that particular antiquidated plastic shitpit on a midweek night. It’s no thing really.


I would guess Moshiri’s sights are somewhat higher and for just four months in charge so far we’ve seen some genuine needed change that should hearten blues more than any token manager appointment.

Yet we identify with those leading the players the most. And our greatest teams have been full of verve and aggression, as well as some good football thrown in. A reflection of the working class and proud fanbase that turns up through Everton’s turnstiles most weeks. If not sometimes a little prone to lethargy on early kick offs and calling Lukaku lazy. We have our quirks like anyone else.

These same Evertonians have always been a little more in tune than to fall prey to hype. We’ve a natural pragmatism in the fan base no doubt built from years of crushing disappointment and many false dawns. We tend to believe it when we see it, and even then we are looking for it all to come tumbling down.


Maybe this time is different though?

And that maybe is what keeps you going, or maybe just habit. Or that first bevvy on match day. Or Everton doing all manner of things that makes your heart go whooooah.

Here’s to a lot more whoah.

And I don’t know why, anymore. Oh no.