A Saturday game at 3 o’clock at Goodison. If the sun breaks through the clouds then there’s not many more places you’d rather be. Yet many of our parish are not looking forward to it very much.

I’m here to write tripe not judge, no one can tell you how to feel about Everton. It’s very much a personal affair between you and your royal blue deity.

But what a week ahead. The Germans have a word for it: twattenweik.


Alright I made that German word up and hopefully you’ve scrolled down past the photo, newsnow defo won’t publish this preview due to the swear filter breach.

The midweek affair against Crystal Palace was a drab goalless affair that the Manager tried to claim some moral high ground on as we competed for half the game with only ten men. Polite applause for the pleasing resilience but nothing to really celebrate as it’s another game without a win.

The mood around Everton and particularly Goodison games at the moment is like that point in Gotham City where Batman is either under the cosh against an apparent superior foe or where he’s gone missing. Not that I’m into comics but some of you weirdos are when as adults. Same as fully grown males into Wrestling really, it’s a bit weird and I bet it’s awkward to tell your new partners about it if you’re a male. Put it this way their ex is gonna piss themselves that they’re shacked up with a man boy who practices suplexes on the dog when no one’s looking and stays up late night to pay actual money on pay per view to watch grown men act out daft scripts, wearing trunks.


Thing is that in a week that contains both an away derby at the shitpit and a semi final at Wembley against Man Utd we need everything we can get, including some momentum and confidence which you’d imagine is not so high right now.

No question about the fans being right behind the team for both these important games but it would be good to give them something to build on. Like a win against Southampton for starters perhaps.

Southampton are a weird one in every sense of the word. A prime spot on the south coast that’s devoid of any redeeming features. It’s got a marina you cry, yes so have Swansea and Hartlepool and I’d rather live in either than surround myself with the mutants of Southampton.


A shame that one has to refer to them as mutants as there’s much to like about Southampton the club but if you’ve ever been unlucky to sit by the away fans any of these games, or heaven forbid spend more than three hours in Southampton for the away game, then you’ll be acutely aware of the needy and complete beaut behaviour of the locals there. It’s almost as if they are trying too hard to overcome the fact that being from Southampton is about as interesting as a rain drenched cardboard box found round the back of a Sunday market. The cardboard box probably smells better and has a more pleasing appearance.

For mathematics fans out there the equation is something like The Inbetweeners x Green Street x Soccer AM + Birkenhead 1991 – personality = Southampton.

You’re gonna get plenty of what I can only describe as TK Maxx terrace wear with just a hint of Burberry for those unfortunate enough to see it. Weedy twenty something lads with worse tattoos than a Wigan social club walking in full formation and absolutely shitting it if any scouser makes eye contact but instagram diarying it all and about how they took over the home pubs, and by that they mean the Arkles. If you’re in the right hand side of the Park End then prepare for scouse songs by four minutes and some fat biff who lives with his mum holding his arms out to the entire Everton support buoyed by four and a half pints of Carling.


They’re the perfect parody of all we like to take the piss out of and you can guarantee they’ll be first to pack the pubs out for any tournament that England qualify for, the sad self loathing hanks. And they were fuming when the Cruise Ships started jibbing them off in preference of visiting Liverpool. How do you market Southampton in a cruise brochure? Would take a marketing genius, but then look what the Spanish have done with Benidorm, so perhaps I shouldn’t be so critical?

Nah sack them. Here’s to half of France collapsing into the sea just for the tidal wave that will cleanse the piece of rock we share with them.

Onto their team, albeit briefly.

Ronald Koeman looks like an undercooked biscuit pulled disappointedly out of the oven by an 11 year old in Home Economics. There’s a few shouts for him to replace Martinez based on his team and their football for the past couple of seasons, I still haven’t forgave him for his snidery in the ECWC campaign of 1995/96. Free kicks on him though. We need more centre backs wellying free kicks in for goals these days.


As with the recent previews there’s a list of assorted opposition players as it’s hardly likely you’d learn anything from me if I tactically attempted to preview them:

Pelle – the first lad to sprout pubes in high school and was straight in them showers with no towel for the journey there, Latino MTV’s version of Max Headroom, the fantastic grock.

Sadio Mane – the exact player you was looking for on Pro Evo 3. Faster than a dog in the morning on Formby beach and will trouble any defence that shows it’s nerves, a la Everton.


Steven Davis – how is this shitbastard even still getting a game in the Premier League?

Jordy Clasie – the lad who’s always got spare pills to sell at any European festival, ever. Your change is in jarg euro notes but you’ll pass them easily for a 20 euro bottle of water later.

Van Dijk – will have no have trouble understanding our local accent as he was trapped in space for ages with a scouser, a hologram and a neurotic robot with an angular face.

Forster – a face for rugby league but an ace keeper.

Onto Everton.


Lukaku is either not fit or being rested by this as it’s hard to tell what Martinez actually means in press conferences. Wonder who will take his place? I’m usually reluctant to go here but don’t be surprised to see him opt for a front two, which may contain one of Niasse and Kone. Or both. It would be worth it just for the Lower Gwladys to actually eat itself in indignation.

Barkley is also same as above so will miss out, so will Barry miss this so coupled with James McCarthy being suspended you’re about to witness a midfield that will have you having acute flashbacks to the nineties. Or cup games under Moyes. Lennon is also a doubt (who isn’t?) and so is Cleverley so expect to see two of Deulofeu, Mirallas, Pienaar and Oviedo.

Before you reach for Stubhub, the defence shouldn’t be too bad with Stones, Funes-Mori, Baines and an increasingly average Coleman lining up there. The sabre toothed Iberian who shouts a lot, makes saves and comes for crosses will play between the sticks.


So a week as an Evertonian you’re either going to remember for a long time, or forget for a long time. To stand any chance of anything good coming from it the players will need a raucous following behind them. Not wannabe Turkish ultra choreographed cringe like those shitheads across the park, but a snarling hostile and full on Everton support.

You’re good at that when the time’s right. And when the clock ticks 3 on a Saturday afternoon at Goodison, you know the time is right.

Right into these these blues.