Everton v West Ham Preview

As a mammal we are evolved to note various signs and signals which when reacted to or acted upon bring a reward or safeguard. It’s thousands and thousands of years of genetic programming that our ancestors benefited from, therefore giving them a competitive edge in survival or breeding hence you sat here reading this as the current end process, so congratulations.One of these signals is looking at the fixture list and seeing West Ham (H), it lets you know that a pleasant weekend is usually abound with three easy points on offer and that a limited time of relaxation and enjoyment is imminent.

Obviously that’s meant to change now as they have one or two decent players but mainly they are benefitting from an inconsistent and crazy league this year. It’s even gone to their little heads, bless them.

But West Ham sneering at Everton has not place in football or indeed reality. The last occurrence of this was the laughable Pardew – the cretinous shitpipe – after a midweek game at Goodison, not too long before he was eventually fired and now finds himself overseeing a talented Crystal Palace team in freefall. I’m sure the Bernabeu can wait a little longer Alan.

West Ham fans are of a needy and insecure nature – more of that to come – so they trawl the internet to find others true feelings of them in the same manner your insecure girlfriend is straining her peripheral eyesight to clock your mobile phone keycode so she can FBI it once you’re in the shower, the fattening mess (both of you).

Anyway, hold your horses, we’ll get into them later. Shame it is too as they are one of the few to usually benefit from an amicable preview but alas no more because some of us are fickle and we like to write utter tripe online.

Last game up was away to Aston Villa which ended in a comfortable 3-1 win amongst backdrop of angst and collective gnashing of teeth. The Villa fans also weren’t too happy either.

Seriously though I was agog at some of the reactions from our own over what was routine win where Everton never looked in any danger but presumably by some of our fans’ ultimate high standards (and lest you forget NSNO “lad”) it was an aggregate defeat in the compared-to-the-Liverpool-score-in-the-same-fixture.

Are we saved forever and ever? No. Is this the start of Martinez’s stride to glory? Probably not. We are on a run of five wins in six games so save the moaning for when it’s truly warranted. Lest we have some fans who hate Martinez more than they like Everton, and that would be just plain daft.

West Ham then.

OK let’s make it quick, and get right down to the point.

There’s eternal kudos on offer to whichever Everton player destroys Payet’s ankle again. Is that fair or right? No. But when you turn into the most kopite fanbase this side of Indonesia over a robust tackle on what seems to be your best ever player then you deserve all you get.

And that’s the top and bottom of it. Suddenly you went from a pleasant wee London club who we happen to like for the good working class fans and seemingly good traditional values to what appears to be fanbase made out entirely of a rather bitter cocktail of thousands of James Cordens and Kenneth Noyes.

It’s been an obsession that is still ongoing just because one of our males had the audacity to tackle demi God Dimitri Payet. I’d have hated to see them and their cotton wool over (der late, great) Bobby Moore or Geoff Hurst.

So for that reason Payet must pay and the same as when in school you react over the top to an insult it’s only more likely to be thrown at you but with increased regularity. I dearly hope Everton midfielders are targeting the lil bish Payet with a hard but fair straightener so we can enjoy watching you lose your little over waxed cockney heads.

One more thing, we generally don’t tend to get threatened by clubs who have never ever won a league title. So spare us it please, the Europa League next season will only serve to make your league placing a lot worse than it is currently, you texans.

Slaven Bilic, the dirty goggle eyed snakerat, makes his return to Goodison Park but as a manager. It won’t be easily forgotten how at a time when Everton were the standard of presumably West Ham’s second best ever team but didn’t stop Bilic bailing out for big cash and feigning retirement. We have long memories in this part of Walton and I’m sure the caravan dwelling lothario looking hank will be reminded.

They’re owned by truly detestable types in Gold & Sullivan who also tried, surprise, to look down their noses at Everton citing Birmingham as being a bigger shot than our good selves when Moyes (thank Lord) unsuccessfully tried to buy Robbie Savage.

As you can see it’s a lamentable soup they bring to Goodison Park, so with that in mind let’s touch upon their better players and not talk about any of their attributes:

Andy Carroll – a £35 million striker who looks like the big galoot in school who got comically bullied by the lads two years below him, and had a jarg note from his mum to excuse him wearing trabs.

Payet – sleazy entertainer in Tenerife hotel who slips the 16 year old girls sly cocktails and pretends he’s Spanish when he’s really Moroccan and the bar staff all hate him

Lanzini – ace goal against us but literally have not seen one other piece of play from him, Liverpool will pay £20m for him regardless and he’ll be a staunch boyhood fan of course.

Mark Noble – the type of bore you try to avoid while on business in a small market town down south at the Quality Inn bar as he’ll obsess to any unfortunate tit listening about taking care of business on his “manor” and how he owns three properties and can’t wait to get his keys out with an oversized BMW badge hanging off them.

Ogbonna – swerved Liverpool for London and good luck to him, why not?

Reece Oxford – looks a player but then so have 1,000 young West Ham players before him, will turn out against us in the cup playing for Basingstoke in about five years from now.

Adrian – if you painted him blue and sent him running through alien jungle in 3D you’d have a potential Hollywood blockbuster follow up.

And that’s it for West Ham.

Everton are playing at home against a team with more than half a brain which means you know the probably outcome of this fixture, or do we?

They will have to step up a gear from midweek you’d guess but we have a tasty squad to choose from with some genuine competition for some places that we’ve never really had for quite some time.

Apart from up front where Lukaku – who loves playing against West Ham – is currently out of form but breaking Everton Premier League scoring records like Graeme Sharp, Bob Latchford, Joe Royle, David Hickson, Tommy Lawton and Dixie Dean never existed (see how we can mock Geoff Hurst you beauts?).

Anyway we’ve seen little from Naisse but I do hope the big Belgian hunk starts another scoring spree, he’s got so many attributes that if he truly believes there won’t be many that can handle him.

Barkley is similar but homegrown which is a blessing and a curse from time to time. He’s added maturity to his game this year and it really shows. What we need now is him being the difference in tight games at home (not necessarily this in case West Ham gub us) by unpicking the lock of the most shrewdest and least ambitious defences.

Mirallas done enough to get another go and I wouldn’t be surprised to see Deulofeu play some part in this as his arse must be itching on the bench, but really Aaron Lennon has been much better than I ever anticipated. Maybe he just needed a change, how’s McGeady doing?

Besic is gently returning to fitness so we are led to believe and that will be a definite add to the team as sometimes that central two can look a bit deep. But for the time being Barry and McCarthy are time proven and effective, really good midfielders to have and have been important in helping shore up the goal conceding problem we had. McCarthy must be ready for some comedy booing from St John’s Stone Island bells.

Presumably the back four will stay the same with Coleman, Jagielka, the predictable fan favourite Funes Mori and Bryan Oviedo who has quietly and confidently put in a row of performances at left back which have been very effective. Martinez said Baines still has an ankle problem so it’s reassuring the Costa Rican quiff haired lid is doing his bit. Robles is putting together assured performances in the goal too, although there will be setbacks along the way and I hope he’d building enough goodwill to counter them when they come.

Far too positive of a preview so you can guess what’s coming next. Rich shareholders or not there’s something reassuringly fatalistic about following Everton and particularly this team right now.

Guarded pragmatism is the best approach for a remainder of a season that shouldn’t hold too much fear for us, and despite the media fawning that includes this West Ham team.

This is the first of three important home games in a row against London clubs. With a season now on countdown it would be a good time to showcase what this team can do.

Send a signal even.

Wrap up well and be alert fellow warm blooded blues, better times may be coming.

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