You ready?
It’s homage to jarg MTV rap battles this weekend as east coast takes on west coast.
Obviously the USA does it far cooler than us as an accurate representation would be one of our ket wigged North Face lids splashed out in all black against a quiff haired farm boy with a double barrelled East Anglian name. And who wants to watch that?[​IMG]It’s also a short preview as time is pushed right now and to be honest there’s not too much you can write about East Anglia and their inhabitants who are a bit grey all over, or “Skelmersdale” if you like. But posher, obviously miles posher.

Last game out, let me think for a moment, oh aye it was the entertaining Palace game which would a joy to watch apart from the part where they scored and we only got a point. Everton’s continued speciality this season of winning without actually winning.

Still, two good teams on show and for the eighth time this season I have to note there’s a mighty fine TEAm brewing at Everton. Will they reach the boil though? Sorry I’m straining here and for a preview that tries its damndest to sneer at bell behaviour every week these poor puns are like the pot calling the kettle lazy.

Aye I meant that, you know who you are.

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Norwich then.

They’re utterly dump. That part of the world is just not made for playing football, only once in the history of that particular piece of earth has there been a decent team with Bobby Robson’s Ipswich. You put your Jeremy Goss and Mike Walker up your anus as they were a flash in the pan.

Norwich should genuinely stick to what it’s good at it which is being a bunch of particularly nothing. That’s not a criticism either it’s a tip of the cap to embracing being comfortably numb. If you want to spruce things up a bit then put on your best tweed and get yourself a barge ride through swathes of countryside that reek of freshly laid manure, and tory voting farmers driving Land Rovers angrily about. Maybe Skelmersdale was a little too hasty, we have our own Norwich right here on our doorstep in Ormskirk.

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There’s just something odd about the place and it’s a collection of things rather than one gaping feature. When this occurs the only solution is to fill it full of students who will find the place “cookie” enough to dwell for three years in the bars there without fear of getting their heads kicked in for being a little different, and that’s the number one quality students look for on their list when moving away from mummy and daddy for the first time. The entitled bastards. Some of us aspire to mere Polytechnics on our own doorstep.

So we’ve established that Norwich is weird, jam packed full of weird people who qualify for the register ban within 500m of all schoolyards and for all intents and purposes the appendix of Britain which serves absolutely no purpose.. Now we’ve qualified them in this manner we can look at their team.

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First we’ll start with their manager who like any good leader has to be an able communicator capable of clearly providing instruction and a sense of purpose to his team. Let’s have a read of what Alex Neil said to the official Norwich website today.

And there you have it, stirring stuff.

Do you want to even discuss their team? Me neither, they’re a fine representation of the place in that they’re all a big bunch of not very much.

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Love talking about Everton though, they so dreamy.

Speaking of dreamy it’s the Lukaku show at the moment as the big Belgian sex hunk is a juggernaut on a mission to punish opposition defences. He is just plain nasty to them. But what do you do? Step off him? Blammo he’s lashing one in from (or more accurately hitting the woodwork) from 25 yards. Stick close to him? Boosh he’s turned you and gone. Rough him up a bit? Seen the size of his hands?

Main thing to remember – particularly for the angry in Lower Gwladys St types – is that this is called “form” and like many of the best things on this planet its subject to change and outside influences like the rules of our universe so pertinetly thought up by Mr Einstein in 1916. Here we are just 99 years later and it’s took the force of Romelu Lukaku to teach Evertonians General Relativity. Thanks Romelu.

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Where do you go after that? I was going to extend the analogy to Deulofeu and his relation to the super black hole – no scrub that – of Lukaku but it would be taking it too far. Let’s just agree that Deulofeu even on his off days is boss and unpredictable. Maybe then he is the true super massive black hole in this now very tired two paragraphs.

Want more? Course you do. Ross f’ing Barkley. Ross Barklevegas. Back at the ground where he scored his first professional goal, do some more of that shiz young man. Kone is producing a wonderful foil to Lukaku but some are having trouble accepting it because he once missed an easy chance in the league cup and then got injured for over a year. More fool them.

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Barry has been excellent this season – in amongst all the excitement and sex of what seems to be have been dubbed the fab four it is prudent to take a moment to acknowledge that Barry has been as influential as any of them and long may we swerve Thursday night togger if we can squeeze even one more season out of him.

The Palace game gave some pointers of Cleverley’s potential place in the team, we’d establish his value early in the season as a useful and tidy squad player but in the middle of the park he can be very effective, especially if it’s Everton on the front foot. He moves the ball forward and wide quickly and efficiently and it gives food for thought particularly for those who don’t think that a defense minded Barry and McCarthy is the answer for picking up points against teams who sit deep against us. Only one game like so I’d need to see a lot more of it before I start demanding McCarthy lashed out.

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Stones is not bad at all, Mori is the foil happy to lash the ball into row Z but still learning the English game and will have challenges to overcome yet. Coleman had his best game for a long time against Palace and it’s nice to see Baines coming back in, but likewise good to see Galloway being more than assured this season. Howard had a good game v Palace but in line with the physics theme of this particular preview for every action there’s a reaction so hold your tongue when he lashes one in his own net real soon.

And that’s it really. No need for many more words, just smash them Everton. Because you should.