Everton v Chelsea

Fresh from the international bore it’s back to the nitty and gritty in our wee corner of Walton this weekend.

There are certain games we keenly anticipate every season and Chelsea usually is not one of them as you just know you’ll just get an expensively assembled machine who’ll come to Goodison and mechanically attempt to slowly bore you into submission, albeit with a few ace players.

There was however a tedious backdrop to our summer involving them so this one will have a little bit of needle about. And there’s nothing quite a bit of accumulated anger to energise Goodison into a good ol’ fashioned bearpitting.

Put simply: they’re mouth breathing southern bellwipes and Walton is no place for them this Saturday afternoon.

Before we get to unfairly typecasting a wide and varied fanbase we will take a look back at the game just gone and it was a drab affair ending in a goalless draw away to Spurs. It rounded off an alrightish start to the season with a lot of potential angst immediately ahead in this nasty run of games.

When was the last time Tim Howard was man of the match? It was also a game that we’d have lost last season although to balance that out Spurs weren’t great shakes and the season before we’d have probably turned them over.

Mourinho absolutely reeks of Brut, the sulky lipped snidey eyed Portuguese cockmonkey. Giving abstract comments to the press who are virtually penis in hand lapping it all up and proclaiming his genius. It’s a sad indictment of today’s society where thanks to balloons on reality TV and such you have to have an edgy opinion or persona to stand out and get your inches on the paper or internet. It’s become a parody of itself with players such as Mourinho acting like titheads and being lauded for his #bantz and general arrogance.

When have these values been lauded? It’s a very English affair and the antithesis of scouse culture where there’s ten different words for calling someone a tit (bell, knob, texan, ted, beaut, nugget etc) and all those around you can’t wait to pipe you right down the moment you start believing your own hype. Mourinho and his hangers on separate us from them, and that’s something worth celebrating.

Half of the fanbase is from Sierra Leone or Freetown and the club is a victim of trying to out market itself to gain more followers, merchandise and coverage. Some deem that as success, I’d rather it was done without turning ourselves into nothing more than a product, one which is carefully placed for commercial reasons and without due consideration of the people who follow it. Then again they probably allow AGMs…


The scruffy Nike Huarache wearing sleeve tattooed human clitorises that fervently “follow” Chelsea have more than a whiff of White Man March about them. For all their aforementioned marketing there is nothing quite viral as a load of fat middle age racists denying a black man entrance to a train in someone else’s country, and then singing proudly about it. Where were the others on the carriage piping them down? Shithouses, every single last one of them.

So it was duller than a winter weekend in Cumbria when Mourinho and his circus tried their best to unsettle our ace young central defender in the summer. Low offers leaked to the press, Mourinho having snide digs in press conferences, their mules in the press advising they want a written request from the player and low and behold we find ourselves in the middle of the press patronising Everton, still cock in hand, and counting down to us rolling over and passing them Stones without too much fuss.

Credit to Everton, they we’re having none of it. It was timely for many reasons too as those of us old enough to remember knew an Everton that had boss players and wouldn’t be bullied by no one. But imagine the plight of the loyal and staunch younger elements of the fanbase who have grew up watching Everton sell anyone of note who done ace things in a royal blue shirt. Shot in the arm for our younger lids, is right Everton.

That same defiance also piped down some titheads in the press – you know who you are – who deserve a good slapping any time they walk within ten metres of the stadium and reminded a talented young Everton team that it may be worth sticking around for a little while. Until it all goes to crap anyway, as it probably will.

It’s likely at some point a smited Chelsea will make an offer to Everton far too good to turn down and the player will agitate for the move. Despite the mardy words above it’s simply the way of the modern game, I anticipate greatly when the whole bubble goes pop. But for now John Stones is an Everton player and I have no doubt that will be reminded to the crap trabbed xenophobic anuses inhabiting the away end early this Saturday afternoon.

As for whom they will play, are you arsed? No me neither, they have better and more expensive players than us who do boss things for the Match Of The Day highlight reels every weekend. They’ll most likely beat us easily enough. I’m just hoping for some arl arse tackles to fly in on them and for them to feel the wrath of a a few thousand pissed up dars calling them every single shithouse under the sun when they venture too near the sideline. This is Everton you’re playing at lads, and no one cares about your massively retweeted instagrams you dull knobhounds. Seeing you wince at the end of our moody tackles will do us just fine.

Now pipe down.

Will be interesting to see how Everton line up and who will play. For sure it will involve Lukaku up front and it’s been pleasant to see a bit more service his way early on, although he was sulked off at Spurs. The lad nets and those goals mean points, hopefully he will be fired up for this. Barkley is a definite positive so far this season as he looks like he realises the player he is capable of being. This is a good a stage to shine as any, right into them Ross lad.

We now have a plethora of wingers thanks to the predictable late signing of Lennon on deadline day. Martinez indicated he will play a part against Chelsea and it’s the type of game he’s ideal for when you want solidity on the right hand side but I think his lack of game time will count against him. Sometimes you have an irrational quasi crush on a player and Duelofeu happens to be mine. He’s probably best suited to a sub role in this but I wouldn’t be surprised at a brash move to start him, then we just have to hope he’s beaked up that day, figuratively speaking. Mirallas probably on the left.

Barry and McCarthy will form the midfield protection with the former coming in for some criticism after a stinker against Spurs. I’m not sure Besic is the answer just yet, or if he will be, but Barry’s experience in these games is often overlooked. Unless he plays like he’s bladdered again in which case I take it back.

Left back is a problem. It’s very Everton that a position that we’re overloaded in becomes a problem. Galloway is struggling back from an injury and got a chasing against previously strong opposition in Man City, Bryan Oviedo is also injured and is struggling to look like the player he was, understandably, pre leg snap. Garbutt is on loan at Fulham, and injured of course, Baines is out for a while. So it leaves us with the prospect of new signing Funes Mori playing left back which is not ideal. Maybe Martinez will play three at the back where Funes Mori looked comfortable for Argentina? Who knows. Jagielka and Stones will defo play centre half anyway. Tim Howard in goal.

So that’s that then. You looking forward to it? Probably by half time you’ll be hating it.

But maybe, just maybe you won’t. And it’s those maybes that make the difference.

Right into these Everton. Unless that stubbled sulky Eldorado beaut isn’t flapping his arms on the sideline and getting arsey with the Fourth Official then you’re doing it all wrong.

What’s our name?

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