Like a bird you’re not sure of returning from two weeks away and wanting to meet up with you same day, it’s Everton. She’s probably been at it with the Club P.R. with the fluorescent t-shirt who you’d lamp all over the place just for looking at you back home, but it’s holiday rules. The titheads and the brazen take the prizes on holiday.

There’s probably a preview somewhere inside this wall of text, and it’s less enlightening that any of the others you can read to “prepare’ yourself for the big game this weekend.

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Or maybe like me you can wistfully remember the days when Everton, and symbolically the girl back from holiday with the crap tits and unreliable masturbation technique wasn’t there and your weekends were beautifully uncomplicated. Your destiny clearly is to be found by the emergency services with your face half chewed by cats in your bedsit anyway. Alerted by the neighbours complaining of the lingering smell.

Complaining about the smell lead us rather nicely onto this week’s opponents, as we unfortunately have to host them scruffy south coast testes who honk of Joop and think they’re really something on the back of a few passes, goals and dreaming of fourth place. Take it from us, it means nothing.

First a look back at our last game and I’m struggling to recall it, got it now, it was a much needed nine pointer or something victory over QPR which allays our fears that we’ll be relegated this season. Have we really been that bad?

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It will be a difficult game against Southampton who still have something to play for and have amassed a half decent team out of the embers of a supposed firesale at the beginning of the season and apparent meltdown. Good on them.

The goodwill stops there as really we should be ambivalent towards Southampton and that would be a great compliment as it means they’re pretty ordinary. Nothing wrong with that as we’ve been practising it for a long time. Problem is that that they followed by legions of utter shitpipes. Fudge haired, banter ridden, G-Star jeans wearing, walking talking football following, absolute labias of humans who are the epitome of everything any self respecting adult football fan should dislike with great fervour.

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ONLY SING WHEN YOU’RE WINNING! Yes we do, you half-baked flutes. We’ve come to watch the footie and spend some time with our mates. And pipe down Mr Burberry at the back or you’ll get slapped back into your yokel settlement of a town-come-city.

Seriously have a word. If you do support Southampton and you do have an inkling of self-awareness can you please tell your mates to stop making us cringe? It’s why we can’t be arsed with England, who in their right mind would want association – no matter how loosely – with beauts like that?

Here’s hoping ISIS have territorial ambitions extending from Turkey’s border to the south coast of England. They need a piping down for a while, give or take a millennium. Just in case.

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Footie wise they have a load of players that pundits clamour to over rate, missing the point that they’re so successful as the sum of the parts is their resounding quality. Hungry players, with a smattering of youth, with something to prove and devoid of previously overrated quegs like Lallana and Lambert.

All managed by cool Dutch goodness itself in Ronald Koeman.

They continue to play some good stuff and have the teams above them twitching like a pilot taking a piss over the Alps this week. Sadly can’t wish them anything more than that until they declassify at least 85% of the fans for reasons explained above.

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Pelle was a gamble and one that paid off as he’s splurged goals all over the shop in his first season, including netting against England for his native Italy midweek. He’s the type of striker Evertonians like to see – strong, good in the air and with a more than useful touch. They often opt for three up front so fellow nuisances to our weekend mood should be Mane and Shane Long with his tiny legs, or Tadic is he’s fit.

They have a very good midfield, as do most sound teams. Schneiderlin is the hub of most of it but is equally assisted by the likes of Wanyama and Davis or Ward-Prowse. They can play footie all day and also put their foot in when need be.

At the back they’re tight, Alderweireld getting more confident as each month passes on his loan. Fonte should partner him with Clyne and Bertrand two very astute attacking full backs who will enjoy a good old fashion pillaging down our wings and make us wish Baines and Coleman were as good as last year. Looks like Davis in goal.

And that’s your Southampton. They must be at least hurt if we can’t beat them.

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Playing for your royal blue enjoyment this week will be a bunch of players who are apparently fighting for their Everton futures in the last eight games of the season. That’s more like it Martinez, call them out on it. Yourself too. It’s been a really crappy season so the club/manager have the mandate to make all the changes they want, old ties with longer players can be severed with less sentimentality, and changes made as they’re very much needed.

Talking of changes it may have come to your attention of Lukaku changing agent of late and predictably his new fat little beaut of an agent has chirped this beauty up already:

“If we had met each other earlier, he wouldn’t have played for Everton, Maybe somewhere else, maybe he would still be at Chelsea. I want to be clear: Romelu is a better striker than Diego Costa…”

Now two way of looking at this, obviously no surprise being the first place and if you think anything different then you’re setting yourself up for a fall in modern footie. However it is a bit rum that his selected mouthpiece is rocking the boat less than one season after we made him our record signing and he’s not been at his best.

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Quite possibly Lukaku doesn’t want to control the mouthpiece as it’s doing his bidding. We don’t know. But if you took home a lapdancer from Dreamers and smashed it, and following day she’s telling you that you’re the biggest and best she’s ever had then maybe it’s just me and my acknowledgement of self inadequacy but I’d be thinking she’s a bit looped. It’s clear that many brutal things have been through it before you on super flake performance enhancing beak. And I’m not sure where this is heading but I’m not going to like you so much any more Lukaku, and I’m sure you’re dead disappointing when you’re not reading this.

Do you reckon Barkley can play up front then? Kone it is for next season.

Anyway Lukaku is touch and go for this so it will probably be Kone on his todd as Southampton will play three up front and you can bet your bottom dollar we will flood the midfield with spoilers who can drop back and pick their lids up.

I’d also expect Naismith to be in there, along with Lennon to see if he can string a couple of productive games together to make us think six million pounds needs to head the way of Tottenham.

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McCarthy and Barry in midfield isn’t it? And you can guess the defence, and certainly the keeper.

And in the same way that preview broke down like an old Cortina in the winter when you forgot to use the choke, you can expect more from the remaining seven games as Everton play for not very important places.

So as our bird does return and maybe she does look sound with a tan then it would be rude not to make the most of it. Least until the itching starts, or Dazza “Crazyboy” McGlinty adds her on Facebook during the week, and you recognise the fluorescent t-shirt.

Into them Everton.