It’s late at night and you’ve probably lost interest after this first paragraph which is meant to be both an accurate surmising of our current predicament and have something that intrigues you to read on.

Well soz abar that.


How boss is it having Everton in Europe and looking forward to games in an Olympic Stadium though? This is what it’s about, even if the odds are stacked against us when that away goal comes back and pains us like adding that bit of strange on Facebook from that conference you had.

Hope the hazy memories keep you warm at night in the bedsit lad. You’ll learn for next time. No you won’t, you really won’t.

Two wins in a week have not exactly inspired us into a new age of positivity about Everton like, well, Everton exactly a year ago, but it has lightened the mood for many.


The problem with top class togger is that you’re only ever two or three games away from a crisis as Martinez has said himself and the fume factor will be back if Dynamo do turn us over. Very tough ask this too, it (perhaps sadly) would be one of our greatest European wins if we do put them to bed.

Hey select any reason you want for that. But we’re not bitter.

In the same way as stretching it’s always pleasurable to put the Geordie texans to bed without a minimum of fuss. They were coming to Goodison fully expecting us to breeze us away as though it was a four year period in the nineties rather than any other time outside of that in our entire histories. They’re utter crud though and Everton went through the gears without trying that hard.

I know a few of you going over to Kiev itself (but you don’t know it’s me writing this or you’d rip me) and my cap is doffed as on the scale of away day jaunts a trip to a country currently in the midst of civil war and with part of the stadium closed due to some good old fashion eastern European fascist induced ultra violence on the away fans is a hard act to top. How do you say beak and brass in Ukrainian anyway?


There’s a paragraph ripped right out of the Lonely Planet Guide below, should you need a helpful advice for enjoying a good time in Kiev. Thing I want to know though is why they all look the same? Loads of Skully hair cuts and weird eyes that look familiar but they don’t seem quite right. Like putting a Saab’s headlamps on a Ford Escort Mark II. Don’t you think they’ll be fazed by us either, the last exciting thing to happen outside our Town Hall was loads of lids celebrating Thatcher’s death. Outside there’s they staged a bloody revolution with pure snipers and stuff. Exchange Flags it is not, although hopefully they have a Rigby’s style pub near by somewhere.

They were subdued in the first leg thanks in the main part to Everton letting them have forty minutes and then deciding that that they would give them a pummelling to see what they have. They creaked and two goals later we had the initiative back, without really the confidence that we’ve done enough.

Fact remains though that they’re absolutely pissing their league, currently on the back of a seven game winning run and steaming through the might of Illychivets 5-0 on the weekend. Don’t be fooled by a tidy but listless team a week ago at Goodison. They’re going to be up for it and packed full of decent players.


The player who caught the eye last week was their lad on the wing Yarmalenko who was like what we hoped Bilyaletdinov would be, with some ace attributes but most of all you could just watch him and know that he is an appreciator of the footie. He’ll probably be mint on home soil.

Anyway I covered all their players for the first leg and rather helpfully there’s not many outlets previewing the game with up to date info about their likely starting team, so opportunities to plagiarise are in short supply. Think their captain Rybalka is still suspended which is sound if he is. And that Lens Dutch midfielder is touch and go. If both miss out then all the better for us. Now for the Lonely Planet bit.

Just take care out there blues, wrap up warm you know? Oh and don’t accept drinks from strangers unless you fancy waking up in a bath with absent kidneys. Pretty girls though eh? Get into them, well don’t as their mafia Lolitas trying to entice you to a basement room where you’ll be tortured with electrodes until yours and your father’s bank accounts are emptied. That beak you’re buying is actual crushed plutonium too. Oh yeah and if that doesn’t get you then roving gangs of fascist skinheads will. How good is your Russian? Don’t utter a single word of it lar.


But Everton are playing, and they may do something boss. So who wants to miss that?

Not me.

Who will Everton play out there then? I would guess that Lukaku is as close to first name on the team sheet as you can get, especially in Europe. Really nice to see him come alive of late, he’s started believing, seeing defences and keepers in green writing scrolling vertically. Or maybe he’s just in form.

I think with the game being tight then the two up front project will be scrapped for a more pragmatic five in midfield where if so Naismith will be tucked in just behind the striker. Mirallas is suffering from a dead leg apparently and McGeady isn’t quite there yet, so coupled with Lennon being suspended don’t expect much width. Atsu does look the best bet there and despite you not reading this Christian I’m urging this as your chance to shine.


McCarthy seems thankfully to be finding form again which is huge for Everton, he worked well with Gibson but we all know that Barry is probably going to be shipped right back in, we’ll see.

Alcaraz didn’t do himself any harm in the past two games but if you’ve been watching he is prone to looking really sound against average strikers, which is no shame as your average striker in the Premier League is usually a very good player. Do you fancy him against the quick cut and thrust of Kiev on their home patch though? No, me neither. So I’d expect Jagielka and Alcaraz to start as that’s how Martinez rolls, Stones is however fit for this. They will push us back but we really, really need our two full backs to remember that they’re miles better than 99% of the other team’s fullbacks they play. If they can exploit the space Dynamo are likely to give us then, oh what am I doing getting my hopes up?

Tim Howard in goal. Don’t you dare lid. Just don’t.


So strap yourselves in, choose your liquid of choice and if you’re there – enjoy. The Europa League is occasionally mocked by beauts who really need to stick to Rugby League and drinking their mate’s piss.

Away in hostile Kiev, on a midweek night, with the winner just being a couple of games away from a European Final.

Can you Everton?