You signed Lambert, we signed Samuel Eto’o. Samuel Eto’o. Samuel Eto’o.

And with that finger-on-the-pulse-collective commentary from those of you who made the trip to Burnley, a solid week of association football was wrapped up for Everton in a most pleasant fashion.


The league still is incredibly tight and I somehow doubt this is the resurgent renaissance that we’ve been begging for, Everton don’t do things that easy, but as long as we are within a couple of games reach of the top four places in the league then we are at some point liable to pull ourselves together and go on a bit of a run.

So it would be folly to try and pretend everything is sound in the world of royal blue at the moment as I still have performance anxieties over our inability to tonk weak teams. Only when we see Everton strutting like a they’re wearing their first pair of Adidas from Gansgear will we know that things are gonna be OK.

A quick look back to our previous game then, and I was concerned for some time in the first half as Burnley came at us and our midfield yielded too easy. I was surprised to read the reaction from various Burnley blogs that popped up onto my newsnow timeline in the days after the game where they were less than complimentary about their team. Fair darts to Burnley, as they will defo get some points off teams in the division, they’re no mugs. It might even be enough, plenty of time left yet, they had us rocking for some time until we took the ball off them and smothered them with the pillow of our possession in a display of footballing euthanasia.

So it’s onto this week’s home game in the middle of a much-needed run of supposed winnable games. Winnable would do a disservice to Swansea who are playing really well this season, piped down a little in the media only because Southampton are currently pissing it. This is Swansea’s second trip to Merseyside in the week as they were cruelly cheated out of the Milk Cup with one of the worst red cards I’ve seen at Anfield. And believe us Swansea when we say the competition in that particular category is HOT.

That Eto’o goal though? Arl arse.

Swansea have established themselves as a progressive Premier League team and pleasingly have much less of an air of bellend around them as a club and fans. I’m very familiar with the landscape and nuances of South Wales before any chastises me over being too pleasant, but a fact of the world is that that particular part of Britain does have it’s more than a fair share of headers. It’s like opening Revels and moaning about the coffee ones, they exist but you can’t let them destroy your experience and taint the overall Revels experience, or in this case: Swansea.

I had a mind to write this preview and tear right into them as they did buck the trend for beating us lately and, well, that’s what pricks on the internet do in unfairly typecasting an area and it’s people. On sitting down to type this though I just can’t do it. I like them, and their weird ways down there. And they do have the bonus of being favourably compared to the northern Welsh, who Evertonians apart, are miserable inbred farm owning scouse hating welly wearing quegs.


Ever seen Eto’o head a ball like that? Me neither. Ace. Proper Everton centre forward’s goal that.

There’s far too many kopites in South Wales and that’s a poor starting point as Swansea are not exempt from this scourge too. But rather than blame the place I prefer to blame civilisation itself. There are certain types of people who are detestable trogs infected with more than a smattering of snide and ego. It’s natural in cultural voids – such as Swansea – that these type of football supporters will look to claim an identity that serves them better than their default shell of a personality and integrity. The big liver bird batsign in the clouds is an irresistible calling to them and hey presto before you can say “every single kopite male over the age of fifty is a telly clapping racism apologising dog bothering nonce” they are wearing a replica kit in the pub and sneering at anyone who has the balls to support their local club. Or any other club which doesn’t win much too often.

There’s an irony in typing this about Swansea as there’s a hard-core element of their support that are less than complimentary about the increasing following they’ve gained in recent years. There’s also some animosity in the lava bread scoffing rainy part of the land they dwell over the improvement of the two professional South Welsh clubs of late and the support of the younger generation being pulled away from a proud grassroots Rugby Union culture, with those local rugby teams and the Welsh league sadly dying on it’s arse a bit.


But the Premier League care not about such things, it just wants your money and for you to leave your morality at the doorstep before wiping your feet on the hard bristled mat.

All of this ultimately dull analysis of the area is leading up to the acknowledgement that the girls of South Wales are amongst the filthiest in the land. Much, much dirtier than your mother even.

You see growing up amongst sweeping valleys and questionable tweed wearing older men with overgrown sideburns may sound weirdly idyllic but it’s really really morbid. It rains all of the time, the pits are long closed and poverty crept in bumming the back doors of hope senseless. There is nothing to do but to find a steady job, aspire to buy a half decent ex council home and get so drunk on the weekend that you forget your name and eminent pain of existence.

Throw in said rugby clubs and rugby boys and as a female in South Wales there’s not much to hope for in the breeding stakes that you’re genetically programmed to do. The apple of your female eye – Dai – is a dashingly large fellow with dark celtic features and drives a tidy five door saloon. He kisses his mum and has a laugh and joke with the kids on the local estate so he’s scoring points on being a nice human being and potential partner. Post rugby game on the weekend though he’s in the middle of your downtrodden town drinking seven different spirits in a pint glass cocktail -which should be the sole preserve of 11 year olds stealing from their Grandparents teak drinks cabinet – and then getting down on his knees and sucking off his best mate in the middle of the pub all in the name of LOLs and sports club fraternity.


So what can you do? I’ve never seen Red Cross International do an appeal for the women of South Wales and it’s a shame, they’re in desperate need of help.

Garry Monk, who looks like someone painted a portrait of someone with only three colours, came in as a club “legend” after the last manager – sexy Michael Laudrup – took the piss too much on the back of winning a League Cup. At first it looked like he would be reduced to stop gap as Swansea’s league form put them in real danger of going down last season. This season has been a different story as their quick and smart footie has been effective although it should be noted that last week’s win in the league halted a bit of a winless streak.


Up front their current star man is the much admired Bony, and you can put a fair amount of Evertonians in that category too. He impressed at Goodison last season and is doing not bad at all this season, he appears to have all the elements in a forward that we like. But they want loads of money for him and we spent out on Lukaku so he’ll end up at either Liverpool or Spurs.

Sigurdsson returned to Swansea after a not so successful spell at Spurs and has clicked right back in with many assists already this season. He’s technically very proficient and a smart operator behind the striker, these parts are often overlooked in his game as his headlines are often created by his absolute crushing shot on him, should he get a sight of goal. I have no doubt that Gareth Barry will snide the living daylights out of him and take a yellow card at some point for blocking him with his big man arse while Sigurdsson tries to break. Barry doesn’t like anyone trying to counter attack us, no one at all. Takes that shiz personally.

It was just plain nasty though wasn’t it? Samuel Eto’o turning up at Burnley and spilling his sublime footballing custard all over their unfortunate faces. They enjoyed it though. For Burnley it was almost cuckold. How could you not enjoy it?


The adidas four stripe version of Joe Allen – little Leon Britton – is injured so will sit this one out.

I’ve got no interest in previewing the rest of Swansea’s team and I doubt even if you’ve read this far that you’re arsed about anything I type about them anyway. They’re Swansea and it was great amusement to read some analysis in their local paper online with someone saying that man for man there’s not much different between them and us. I mean come on, honestly. This isn’t a pat on the head either but they’ve just beat us for the first time in their history and we should absolutely cream them if we can be arsed, despite me talking them up for the purposes of the preview.

You’ve seen them on Match Of The Day and the like so you know all about them. So we’ll talk about Everton.

Samuel Eto’o though.

I’d find it doubtful if he sits this one out based on the hype over him this week. Mr Eto’o would do well to remember that as a fanbase we are adept at moaning about you as quick as we are to praise you, so key message here is keep doing them things, rather than remind us too keenly of Saha. Because that’s the territory you’re in right now Samuel. Actually no, I find myself falling for you a bit.


Lukaku is meant to be bettered by playing alongside Eto’o and took his goal well last week, really big that too as it was only a few minutes after he’d gifted Burnley the equaliser – and that could have hung around his neck like a filthy fat tie from the seventies. The big Belgian similar to his team has failed to really get going so far this season. Playing alongside someone he clicks with could be key and we’re lucky to have both Eto’o and Barkley in that category to be his personal muse, although I wouldn’t be surprised at all to see Lukaku start a few games on the bench where he will be a right nuisance for the last thirty minutes against any team. Just until he’s firing like we know he can.

The Aiden McGeady experiment is producing mixed results so I’d rather see Pienaar out wide or Naismith shunted there with a license to move inside. It will be worth remembering that we have a game midweek to contend with so we may see one or two changes, and that should include Osman who was largely crud against Burnley and seems to have got the more animated of you in a right tizz over not saying Cahill is the best thing ever ever. Words eh?

Gibson has hurt his knee but it was hardly as if he was getting a look in, sad too as I am still obstinately holding out that he’s ace. Besic is likely to be saved until Lille in midweek so prepare yourself for the latest instalment of the mostly boss Barry and McCarthy show in the middle of our park.


Jagielka is playing well and apparently took his game to another level, not sure I’m in full agreeance with Roberto over that but that’s just him isn’t it? And to be fair to Jagielka (never Jags you whoppers) he is doing well. I really can’t work Alcaraz out so any thoughts I have on him are redundant, dear reader. Coleman was deployed very deep on his return against Burnley so I do hope to see him galloping freely – like an escaped border collier – against Swansea for this game.

With just two more assists Leighton Baines will go down as the full back with the most assists in the history of the Premier League, and he’s not yet thirty. Sometimes you need to have a moment of hush and appreciate what you’ve got. And he’s a blue. Tim Howard, who is reassuringly quiet at the moment, shall play as our number 13.

Sincerely sorry for going on in this preview, I’ll cut it down next week to offset any pain endured. We should find out a bit about this season’s Everton on Saturday, I do hope I still harbour positive Everton feelings come Saturday evening as it’s dead nice. And what a lot of our obsession is about; it’s the pay off of sorts. But anyway I’ve waffled on about nothing much a bit too much. Have some of this (does point down sign)


At least we’re not going to die of Ebola now though apparently. Oh and Apple’s boss is gay, no honestly he’s gay everyone. What’s everyone having for dinner anyway? Oh and have you seen how serious Americans take Halloween? Hahahaha. AHAHAHAHAHA. Sorry about that. Anyone have a tissue. Chest infection you see?

Ricky Lambert though.